I’m not sure this is something that’s easily generalized. On one hand, if you’re not giving someone a chance who could be perfect for you, you’re just shooting yourself in the foot. On the other, if you’re the kind of person who will never be happy “settling” and will always be looking for someone better, than staying with Mr. “Good Enough” will just make both of you miserable in the long run.
But rejecting someone just because he has red hair? Unless you find red hair utterly repellent, that’s just bizarre. (I’m slightly disappointed that there are no redheads in my husband’s family. My mother has red hair, but because my husband almost certainly doesn’t have the gene for it, I have no hope of a redheaded baby. Oh, well.)
A lot of the marriages that I’ve personally witness dissolve were a result of one spouse (usually the woman) coming into the marriage with idealized notions marriage as an eternal extension of the courtship – with flowers and romance and butterflies in their stomach every time they saw him. And once they woke up from the dream and realized that their spouse had bad breath in the morning, that their mother-in-law was batshit crazy, and that he had no idea how to fix the toilet/cook, they become disillusioned and unhappy.
So, rather than say that they should “settle” I think they should go into marriage with open eyes as to what will happen to the relationship once the butterflies have settled down, their spouse’s assets are minimized, and their flaws magnified. And then, if they think they’d still enjoy growing with this person, then they should go ahead and marry him/her.
People who value themselves too highly tend to have this attitude that they ‘deserve’ someone better. Kind of like the extreme oppsite of poor self-esteem/insecurity. Its really glaring when the person themselves isn’t particularly remarkable, but demands a partner that is.
Ladder theory aside, people tend to date within their own ‘range’ of individuals based on the things they value- appearance, intelligence, ambition, personality, etc. These particular women don’t want to ‘settle’ but it seriously seems like they’re not thinking about how the guys they would go for would be actually ‘settling’ for them in turn.
Many people, particularly women, want to date upwards. But depending on their lifestyle/career that can sharply narrow their field quickly. It sounds like the author really shot herself in the foot with this strategy.
I think Ms. Gottlieb has a valuable message, but reading the interview with her, I’m not sure she understand the message herself yet. It sort of reads like, “Well, being incredibly picky didn’t work, so I think I’ll give being less picky a try,” like it’s a new hobby for her.
I do think Hollywood has a lot of the blame in people not being happy in their love relationships, though (which I guess is basically her message). Most people aren’t going to find Movie Love. Most of us are going to find a compatible companion to build a life with, and that’s more than good enough.
I think an important collary to this idea is the common sentiment among women that they “wasted time” with an ex.
Now, if you were miserable the whole time, then yeah you wasted a few years. Most of the time, though, I ask if that’s the case, and they say, “no, I was happy for most of it”.
Well, then you didn’t waste any time. You spent time with a person you enjoyed spending time with. Remember that time you went to Disneyland? You had fun, right? Did you move any closer to meeting and/or marrying the man of your dreams while you were there? No? So was that time wasted?
My wife’s best friend was really hung up on money. She dated a guy with a Rolls for a long time, and was kind of snooty about those who settled for less. Then he dumped her for someone younger. She finally married a nice school teacher, but too late to have kids, which she did want.
You need to know which things are deal breakers and which aren’t. Missing out on a few non-deal breakers is better than missing out on everything. I’ve been involved with evaluating expensive software packages, and it is the same thing - except for the falling in love part. (And the fact that the software salespeople take you out to lunch.)
I agree. In addition, I think the time you spent with that person was part of you developing in to who you are now. I know that I would not be the same person I was if I had not been through all that I had. So if I had to do it over again? Well maybe my path would not have led me to who I’m with now - and that would really be a shame, because he makes my world a very, very happy place.
I think for certain values of good enough, yeah, women should be looking for Mr Good enough instead of Mr. Perfect. Especially since Mr. Perfect doesn’t exist–nobody on this whole round world is perfect. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have standards, of course, but those standards need to be reasonable and within the realm of human possibility. You need to understand and implement the difference between having standards and being picky.
I have standards, ones that are high enough that my friends in high school despaired of me ever going out on a date in my whole life. I didn’t think they were such high standards, really–someone who was fairly smart, not totally repulsive, and kind to people and critters, that I didn’t think of as one of my de-facto brothers because they were always in my house playing D&D with my brother. Okay, so this knocked out pretty much everybody who was remotely interested in our fairly small high school, but it kept me from wasting time with stuff that had no chance whatsoever of ending happily. And I met plenty of people who fit the bill and then some in college.
One of my acquaintances from college is picky. She wants somebody fairly smart, but not too smart, taller than her by a couple inches (she’s 5’10"), classically good-looking, church-going but not too religious, with a professional job earning at least as much as she does as a lab tech. That job musn’t be one of the trades, so no plumbers or electricians or other people who earn good money working with their hands. And he has to be right there under her nose or else seek her out because God knows she isn’t going to go looking for him. He must love cats and be willing to live within a 50-mile radius of her parents for the rest of their lives, and he cannot drink, smoke, or ever associate with people who ever use recreational drugs. She has never, to my knowledge, been on a date or kissed a guy because the tiny handful of men she’s ever met who met her standards have never been interested in her, and the ones who have been interested didn’t meet her standards.
Yeah, pretty much. I want to feel bad for the previously mentioned acquaintance because she’s lonely, but it can’t be denied she brings it on herself. In college I asked her about trying to set her up with one of my friends, this really sweet, smart, funny, cute pre-med student. She wouldn’t even consider the possibility because he was short and not classically handsome. Sucks to be her–he’s still short and not classically handsome, sure, and he snores like a buzzsaw and he’s going gray and his back has gotten hairy, but he’s also still funny and smart and sweet and cooks dinner most nights and makes no objection to me bringing critters home from work so long as I keep the total number at 4 or less.
I…I think I love you.
I don’t think it’s a matter of settling for Mr. Good Enough, rather it’s a matter of ratcheting back the specificity of their Mr. Perfect.
It reminds me of the conversation between the younger and older woman in Up In The Air.
The young woman goes through her list: White collar college grad, loves dogs and funny movies, over 6’ brown hair, works in finance but is outdoorsy on the weekends, single syllable name, drives a 4Runner.
The older woman’s list is: hope he’s taller than you, not an asshole, good family, pleasant company, also wants/doesn’t want kids, hopefully some hair, and a nice smile.
I suspect you might have to give this woman your user name one day.
Divorced with kids middle-aged woman’s list - not an asshole.
But…sexy toolbelts!
breathing optional.
Based on the males I see women with, I’d say the problem is that they are settling too easily and too often, thus causing them to be attached and therefore not likely to flirt with [del]me[/del] a better catch should he come along.
Dan Savage has this great notion about the “price of admission.” Everyone has some flaw or flaws that drive us crazy. He advises to have a VERY SHORT list of dealbreakers, but otherwise accept that one little thing that bugs us can be the price of admission for hanging out with someone.
I don’t think they should necessarily settle, but have realistic goals. If you’re late 30s divorcee in a dead-end job who’s attractive, but not knock-out gorgeous, you should probably stop waiting for the buff doctor/lawyer who wants kids and loves to drink wine and go out to eat.
I don’t think these women are honestly looking at themselves and reflecting on what they have to offer.
Everyone else has pretty much already said what needs to be said for having realistic expectations.
However, you really can’t help who you are attracted to, and if something doesn’t click, why would you try to force it? To me, settling is being with someone because you’re lonely, bored, or figure you can ‘live with’ whatever things they have/do that might irk you, rather than being with someone because you have things in common, get along with them, and actually have feelings for them. Obviously compromise is a big part of having a relationship, but there should be an interest/spark/chemistry already there that makes you want to put forth the effort to make compromises.
So no, no one should settle. But there’s also no such thing as “Mr./Mrs. Perfect”. It’s just about finding a good match, someone who really clicks with you. It never hurts to give someone a chance, but within a few dates (maybe even just one) you generally know if something is worth pursuing.
I know a guy pushing 40. Single, college education, worked as a schoolteacher. Not stupid, kind of pudgy, but easygoing and has a good sense of humour. He’s going to stay single, because he’s holding out for a hot young chick of about 20. He is not interested in any of the many attractive divorcees, with or without kids, or even single women who are close to his age, that he’s been set up with. Nope, he’s gonna hold out for a hot young chick of about 20, even though he lives on a farm out in the middle of NOWHERE with his semi-senile father. I think he ought to just get himself a mail order bride from a catalog and be done with it.
The funny thing is that when you come to accept the reality and love the person anyway, the butterflies come back, and stick around for the rest of your life.
Hey, it’s only 1870 miles.