Have I lost my mind? You be the judge!

In My Humble Opinion
1

Ok, a little background is necessary here…

I have a friend, whom I’ll call Holly, that I’ve known for about 25 years. We first met when we were freshmen in high school. While growing up, Holly had a best friend, whom I’ll call Sara. They’d known each other since birth, as their parents were (and still are) very good friends. Sara was a year older than Holly and I, and also went to a different school. I met Sara a couple of times while in high school, but it wasn’t until Holly brought her along to a party, not long after graduation, that Sara caught my eye… long story short, Sara and I started dating, and were together for almost two years.

During those two years, I was on the road to becoming an alcoholic. Towards the end of our relationship, Sara nagged me about my drinking quite a bit - and rightly so. But at the time, of course, I didn’t have a problem, and couldn’t see what her problem was. I actually broke up with her; my reasoning at the time was that I felt we were incompatible, she was psychotic, and I couldn’t see spending my life with her. Today, I don’t remember why I felt those things. It wasn’t until I sobered up, at the age of 33, that I thought about it and realized that I chose alcohol over Sara. I rolled up all sorts of little things into an “incompatibility” argument and convinced myself it was true.

A couple of years after we broke up, Holly and Sara had a major falling out, and they’ve hardly spoken since - it’s been 16 or 17 years now. (I have had zero contact with Sara since we broke up.) Holly and I, however, are still friends. Holly still hears about Sara from time to time, by virtue of the fact that their parents are still close.

So, with all that out of the way…

I’ve got a couple of pictures of Sara and me in an album on Facebook covering that period of my life. A couple of days ago Holly wrote me, saying one of those pictures popped up (I guess in that “Photo Memories” thing), and it got her to thinking… would I like for her to ask after Sara, put me in touch with her?

WTF?! That was totally out of left field!

The thing is, from time to time I have thought about trying to get in touch with Sara. I’d kind of like to explain why I really broke up with her, and apologize for that, and some other shit. And, I admit, part of me is curious to know if she might be single, and if there is any possibility… But, OTOH, my logical side says this is all ancient history, and I should leave it the hell alone. And who would I be trying to make feel better by apologizing, her? Or me?

Something else I should probably mention here: once my alcoholism became complete, I became something of a recluse. I did all of my drinking at home alone, I never had a social life; I went to work every day, then went home and got drunk. I’ve been sober for almost six years, but I’ve also been living in a city where I don’t really know anyone, and I’ve been concentrating on school… anyway, the point is, my relationship with Sara was the only serious one of my life. It was over before I turned 20, and I’m almost 40 now. Sara, OTOH, got married, had a kid, and got divorced. So, I bring this up because I recognize that since Sara was the only real girlfriend I’ve ever had, perhaps my judgment is clouded… and since she moved on to other relationships, it’s likely she barely remembers me.

So anyway… I’ve never shared any of this with Holly, or anyone else for that matter. So it was kind of a shock when Holly wrote me. I realized, of course, that perhaps Holly kind of wants to get in touch with Sara, and is using me as an excuse. I told Holly as much, and she didn’t deny it. I also told Holly everything I’ve written here, about the real reason I broke up with Sara, and my thoughts on possibly trying to contact her. I also confessed that from time to time I’ve looked for Sara on Facebook, but she didn’t join up until some time in the past couple of months. So, if either of us really wants to contact Sara, it’d be as simple as sending a message.

Holly decided that, since Sara is on Facebook and hasn’t contacted her, Sara must not want contact and thus Holly will respect that. I told Holly she’s full of shit, and that it’s likely they both may want to bury the hatchet, but are waiting for the other to make the first move. Holly was again kind of evasive, but didn’t deny it.

That’s were it all stands… I’m seriously considering writing Sara. Even though it seems like an insane idea. I’d like to point out that it’s not like I’m pining after her or anything; everything I’ve written here is stuff I’ve thought about periodically, not on a daily basis or anything. Well, until the last couple of days, anyway. :slight_smile:

Oh, one more little wrench in all of this: as it turns out, Sara lives in the same city as me, 600 miles from where we’re from. I’ve known this for a few years - Holly informed me after I moved here. This could be twisting my judgment as well.

So… am I crazy?

2

Crazy? Nah. Thinking about the past and how things could have been is actually very normal. A while ago, I did a search on Facebook for a ex where the breakup was on bad terms. It brought out a petty sort of comfort for me to see that he was still in the same dead end loser job and still under the delusion it was as important as a doctor’s job. Oh, and he had a stupid smug photo of himself in his stupid poseur (fake) leather jacket with his arms crossed trying to look all cool and stuff. I wanted to send him a message just to say “See? See? Us breaking up was the best thing that could happen to me!” But I didn’t… because I saw that I was being petty and there’s no point.

Of course, my anecdote is from a negative place. Yours seem a little more positive. The thing is, are you really just asking if it’s a crazy idea? Do you want someone to talk you down from it? Or are you looking for people to say “Go for it”? Honestly, when I see these kinds of threads, I think the OP usually has his/her mind made up.

3

I don’t think you’re crazy for wanting to meet up with an old friend when you’ve been alone as long as you have been. Maybe you and Holly should extend an olive branch. Plan to do some apologizing, and know that after the first round of conversation settles down, she may not choose to socialize with you again.
I do think hoping that you and the ex-girlfriend will get back together is a little crazy. She remembers you as a 20 year old alcoholic, and it’s possible she’s used you as crazy-exboyfriend-ruler that all subsequent men have been measured against.
If you are willing to take advice from strangers on the internet, please sign up for a dating service and meet someone new. Or look around at school for another student or junior professor your age and ask her out.

4

Wanting to contact someone from your past is not crazy, expecting that you will click the same way you did, is. If she is open to meeting realize that both of you have had different lives, and different experiences that have helped form who you are today. You have no idea who she is anymore and expecting her to be the same person she was 20 years ago is unrealistic.

If you meet and you have both changed in a way that compliment each other, great, but I would go into any prospective meeting with zero expectations.

5

Sara may look very different today from what you remember.

More seriously, though, are you in a recovery program? If you’re in a 12-step program, it might be a good idea to think about where contacting Sara fits into those steps. Also, your group or your sponsor may have advice for you.

6

So the first time around you reckon you were in denial over the booze and wrongly laid the entire blame for the break-up on her personality. I’m not sure if this is what’s called a ‘false dichotomy’, but it would be very unwise to now believe, in your sobriety, that all the blame can be pinned on the drink and that she was actually perfect. The likelyhood is it was a bit of both.

7

So we are talking about an on-line contact here? I’d go ahead and do it. Just be prepared for silence or a polite “Hi” and no follow-up. That will hurt but its better than spending your life wondering.

I’ve done something similar which resulted in many months of bliss but a great deal of pain too. Do I regret it? No.

This is a sensitive subject and if you’d like more input try LoveShack.org Community Forums which has many wounded and wise souls.

8

Do it!