In need of rescue: stupidly put myself in the middle of a spat between two women

In My Humble Opinion
1

Please see my OP here for the needed background.

Here’s the deal: I grew a pair and wrote Sara. Not only did she answer, much to my surprise, but her response was positive. We’ve been chatting for the last few days, and have plans to meet in person. But that’s not what this is about.

When I wrote Sara, I told Holly I’d done so, and asked what she wanted me to say if Sara should ask about her. Holly said to just tell Sara she’d be open to the idea of communication, but that I shouldn’t worry about that, as my communication with Sara is about me and Sara, not Holly and Sara.

After a few emails back and forth, Sara hadn’t brought up Holly. So I asked Holly if she wanted me to bring up her name. Holly said no, don’t worry about it, because again, this whole thing is about Sara and me.

Now, if I had any brains in my head, I would have listened to Holly. But, no. Sara mentioned that she hasn’t been very active on Facebook, as there are people out there she wouldn’t want to chance running into. So, I took my brain out and set it on the coffee table, and proceeded to bring up Holly. Before seeing Sara’s response, I let Holly know that I’d brought her up.

Sara told me that she has no interest in talking to Holly, and explained why. Fair enough. I did my part (unsolicited as it was), the subject is now closed between Sara and I, and we’ve moved on to other things. There was just one little problem…

I wrote Holly, and basically said “look, I’m sorry, but I don’t think she wants to talk to you.” I then apologized profusely for opening my big fuckin’ mouth in the first place. Holly’s response was that she wanted to know what she did to warrant a twenty-year grudge, and if I ever find out she wants me to tell her.

Fuck. Great. I can’t do that, and Holly should know it. My saving grace here, I thought, was that I said “I don’t think she wants to talk” instead of “she doesn’t want to talk.” At least, this allows me to pretend I don’t know the reason. So I wrote Holly back with a simple response: “okay.” Yeah, like Holly won’t see right through that.

Well, now it’s been almost two days, and Holly hasn’t answered any of my emails. I know she’s pissed at me. At this point, my friendship with Holly is more important to me than Sara, who I haven’t talked to in twenty years. I don’t know what to do here. I had good intentions, but I totally fucked things up. Twenty years ago, when we were kids, Holly and Sara would get in fights, so of course I would take Sara’s side and Holly’s boyfriend would take her side and we’d all duke it out for a bit. I don’t want it to be like that again, or for it to seem like I’m taking Sara’s side. Because I’m not. I’m respecting confidentiality.

Sigh… I feel like I’m back in fuckin’ high school again. If anyone can give me advice on what I might say to Holly to make this right, it’d be much appreciated.

2

Well, you know the answer really was not to have got involved in the first place, but having mended bridges with Sara, I can see the motivation to try to fix the other broken side of the triangle. But if one of the two is not interested, there’s nothing you can do there. You can try continuing with the ‘she didn’t say exactly what it was’ thing only when she asks, and see if it gets dropped otherwise.

I guess it would be helpful to get an idea of what it was that caused Sara to not want to talk to Holly. It sounds like Holly really doesn’t know what it is, and if I was her I’d find that kind of unfair and upsetting. Someone is that mad they stay mad for 20 years and she doesn’t know the reason? I’d be really surprised though if Holly didn’t have an inkling, and by delving into it more you could really get yourself stuck in the middle.

3

I assume that Holly’s an adult with big girl panties and can take whatever reason Sara’s pissed at her and deal with it.

You say she’s your friend, well, do what friends do and be honest with her. You may think that Sara’s problem is confidential, but unless she’s specified that you shouldn’t talk to Holly about it then you’re all clear. In fact, she may be expecting you to run back to Holly and spill.

This does seem very high school. If you don’t want to be in the middle, quit being in the middle.

Alternatively you can try to work out the problem between these two women so they can be friends again. But sounds like a lot of work and drama to me.

4

Drop it and it will go away. Holly will get over her sulk soon enough.

5

I’m not Holly, and I’m pissed off that I don’t know why Sara won’t talk to her.

Is there something about this incident that is super secret confidential, did Sara swear you to secrecy, or are you just assuming the role of official confidant?

Sara knows you’re in contact with Holly, and probably assumes one of two things. Either that you will tell Holly what she’s pissed off about, or that Holly already knows what she did to Sara, being that she’s the one who did it. I’m not seeing how this particular fact is any more confidential than everything else you’ve been telling Holly about your interaction with Sara.

6

Well, since you know why Sara is pissed at Holly, do you think that she is justified?

Also, I failed to see where Sara asked you to keep here comments confidential. If she didn’t, explain to Sara that you and Holly are still friends just like her parents and Holly’s parents are still friends, and still pass along information, just as Sara’s parents probably do for her. The rift between Holly and Sara makes it rough for those around both of them that continue to have relationships with them. Set your boundaries, explain that you’re not good at keeping secrets, unless specifically asked to, and that you want to try and make your relationship with her work. In short BE HONEST AND UPFRONT.

7

After all that you’re not going to tell us why?? I’m burning with curiosity now! :frowning:

8

I couldn’t make it all the way through the o.p., but I will just say that putting myself inside of a disagreement with two women is what got me shot. I was fortuitously wearing body armor and suffered only a giant blossoming yellow flame zinnia tattoo growing on my mid-torso along with some seriously bruised ribs, but it was still seriously unfun.

My approach now is to stand back, look for cover, and let them fight it out until the survivor is exhausted. Negative experience is a powerful motivator.

Stranger

9

If you don’t come back and explain what Holly did, I am going to freak out!!

10

+1

Must … know … now now now!

11

Get someone to pass her a note in study hall asking why she’s mad.

And get some body armor.

12

Well, I never really knew what their fight was about. There was a period of more than ten years where Holly and I lost touch; the Big Fallout happened in the meantime. After Holly and I were back in touch, we never discussed Sara. Until this recent thing, Sara came up in conversation exactly once before, three or four years ago. We were reminiscing about old friends, and I asked Holly if she knew whatever had become of Sara, and that I’d heard there was a falling out. Holly confirmed this, and said she felt at the time as though she was doing all of the work to keep their friendship alive, but didn’t offer up any more details, and I didn’t ask. In the past week, Holly has made it sound like their friendship just kind of faded away, and says she doesn’t remember any harsh words or anything, and her husband doesn’t recall anything major either.

Sara, OTOH… first of all, when I brought it up to Sara, I told her it wasn’t my business, I wasn’t asking her to explain what it was all about, and I didn’t want to be in the middle of it; I was just passing along the information that Holly would be willing to talk. Sara explained it a bit, but I didn’t ask any further questions. She feels like, even though she and Holly were best friends all through their childhood, she felt like Holly was always cruel to her, and once they got into their 20s Sara felt like Holly didn’t really even like her. Sara decided she was done with the friendship and says she was rather mean to Holly about it. I don’t know what that means, and again, I didn’t ask. :slight_smile: Sara just isn’t interested in going back to all of that.

As you can see, there seems to be some contradiction between each of their sides of the story, and that’s just from what little I know. As for what I think… I will say that the Sara I knew twenty years ago was a rather insecure person, though she seems much better now. And Holly has a sharp wit, and always been the type to poke fun at people, though it’s good-natured. So maybe that’s why Sara saw Holly as being cruel; I don’t know. I honestly can’t remember Holly ever being outright mean to Sara, nor can I imagine her acting cruelly towards anyone now.

Sara did not specifically tell me not to repeat what she said to Holly. But I don’t believe it’s right to go gossiping back to Holly, either. I haven’t been telling Holly anything else about the correspondence between Sara and I, other than the fact that we’re talking and plan to meet up. My biggest fear is that if I tell Holly the reason, she’ll confront Sara with it. I really don’t think she’d do that, but I can’t be 100% certain. If that happened, I’m afraid I’d be in hot water with both of them, and I don’t want to go there.

13

I vote for communication. I’m assuming Sara knows you’re in touch with Holly, at least to some degree, so simply ask Sara if you can tell Holly why she doesn’t want to talk to her. If she says yes, then great, tell Holly. If she says ‘no’, then be honest with Holly that Sara has asked for your confidence and out of respect for her you are giving it. If she’s a true friend she’ll appreciate the fact that you have a sense of honour and that if she tells you something in confidence in the future that it will remain safe with you.

14

Listen to this smart woman right here.

15

I think the problem with that advice is that it assumes facts not in evidence. Namely that Holly is a reasonable person who will react reasonably if and when you tell her that you are choosing to respect Sara’s wishes. People aren’t reasonable.

These people are pissed at one another. If you continue to fuel this it’ll only make things worse. Eventually you’ll have two women ready to kill one another and you’ll have to choose one or the other. An old friend or an old flame? You’ve already fucked up by digging up old drama. Stop digging. Just let it all drop. If Holly asks just tell her (truthfully, if you’re doing it right) that you and Sara haven’t discussed her again. Hopefully things will eventually settle on their own.

16

This is exactly what I’m going to do. I hadn’t wanted to bring the subject up again with Sara, because I know she didn’t want to dwell on it… but, I just got home from my face-to-face meeting with Sara (first time in 20 years!), and now that the massive nervousness is fading for both of us, and we’re a little more comfortable, I think it’ll be ok.

17

Careful, bro.

18

Ok, that’s a good point too. Perhaps doing nothing, at least for a few days, would be the wisest course of action.