I apparently have a habit of “helping” people bring up difficult topics with important people in their lives, whether they’re ready to talk about it or not. Let me provide some examples:
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A friend wrote to me saying that he was going to propose to his GF. It sounded like it was a done deal, he had the ring, etc. So I wrote back, congratulating him. It turned out he was *thinking * about proposing, and she saw my email. Ooops. He wound up stammering out a proposal before he was really ready. (She accepted and they’re now married, happily I hope.)
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A co-worker told me that another co-worker (a close friend of hers) was pregnant. I assumed that co-worker #1 wouldn’t be sharing this info with me if it wasn’t for public consumption. So when I saw the pregnant co-worker in the hall, I congratulated her. Her boss heard me and was very surprised since she hadn’t heard the news yet.
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My old roommate came to visit with her BF. Late in the visit I realized that she hadn’t had a cigarette the whole time, and congratulated her on quitting. Her BF looked pissed and said, “I didn’t know you smoked.” Apparently his dad had died of lung cancer recently. Oops again. (They’re also married now, and apparently quite happy.)
So–is this me being dense? I would hate to think that I’m putting my friends and co-workers in uncomfortable situations without meaning to (it’s much more fun to do it intentionally, but that’s another post…). Does anyone else do this?
Well, I don’t know that you’re being dense per se, but you do seem to be forgetting what I call the “gossip factor.” Sometimes people just can’t help sharing something that’s not really intended for public consumption or is meant as a surprise. Personally, I never assume some bit of personal info is meant for public broadcasting unless I’ve been specifically told so.
In the proposal case, it sounds as though your friend could have been clearer in his explanation. Still, announcements like that are like the symphony–you hold your applause till the end. There’s the chance he’ll change his mind. There’s the chance she’ll say no. There’s the chance you opening your big yap will ruin a carefully-planned surprise. And, as you’ve seen, there’s the chance of this being a failure to communicate. So it’s better to wait until the actual engagement is announced to start spreading congratulations around.
In the baby situation, the gossip factor is HUGE. There’s just something about knowing someone is pregnant that makes people physically incapable of keeping the news strictly to themselves. And, of course, a lot of people prefer to keep news like that within a close circle of family and friends in the early stages while there’s still a high chance of miscarriage. It’s hard enough to miscarry, but then to have to go around and tell people who are all excited about the baby that you’re no longer expecting is just horrible. Folks tend to especially wait to tell their bosses. Again with the symphony routine.
The last one you had absolutely no way to know about. Most people don’t hide being smokers/former smokers, and if she didn’t want you to say anything, she should have warned you ahead of time.
Before you open your mouth about anything, anything:
Is it true?
Is it fair?
Is it necesary?
This is a modification of Dear Abbey’s rules. I forget her real ones. Anyway, if you keep something like this in your mind all the time, you won’t ever make these mistakes.
^Yup.
I didn’t know that was derived from Dear Abbey, but I’ve always had a somewhat similar rationale in my head. I can keep a secret like it never happened.
I’m actually good at keeping secrets if I know they’re not for public consumption. For example, I overheard a co-worker (open cubicles ya know) telling a friend on the phone that she was pregnant. That was one that I didn’t mention to anyone, including her, and she announced it to the company a few weeks later.
I guess in the first two examples I didn’t consider a “congratulations” inappropriate, but I also didn’t think about other people being around to see/hear it. Guess my enthusiasm gets the best of me sometimes…