I expect opinions to be all over the map here, but hopefully one of them will mix right with the way I’m thinking and allow me to feel good about whatever decision I will make. So here goes:
Several weeks ago, my brother called me to let me know that he and his wife, who have been undergoing fertility treatments for nearly a year, were expecting. They were 5 weeks along at the point they announced, and were due on April 17th.
I was ecstatic for them because they have been wanting this for so very long, and I was also ecstatic because (though I did not tell him at the time) my wife and I were also expecting a baby at almost the same time (April 12th). Now, we had a miscarriage in January, so we were holding off on any announcements until we were well along, so we were planning on letting everyone know the news sometime before my brother’s birthday on September 30th. I’m sure some of you can see what’s coming…my brother contacted me on 9/13 to tell me their lates ultrasound showed no heartbeat and that they would have to go in for a DNC. It was (and is) devastating for them, and I feel absolutely heartbroken. I sort of know what it fels like, given that we went through it very recently, but this would have been their first child, so I know it’s harder for them.
So now I have a dillemma. We’re going to his birthday party on the 30th. My wife is getting to the point where it’s difficult to conceal that her body is going through some changes (happily there has been a minimum of throwing up), so showing up at the birthday party could present awkwardness in a couple of ways. If I tell them before the party, it becomes a focus event (people always want to talk about names, gender, room colors, etc) and is likely to cause them pain. If we leave it unsaid, but they figure it out on their own, it’s likely to make them uncomfortable, too. I am right now leaning toward not telling them and waiting till after the party. I know it’s going to be hard on my SIL no matter what, but I think she’s still pretty torn up about this. At the same time, though, if someone figures it out and asks at the party, it’s not like I’m going to be able to say “naw, she’s just put on a little weight recently.” And then it’s going to be out in the open at an uncontrolled moment.
I would go and not say anything. I highly doubt that anyone will publicly say anything to you or your wife, especially if she is just starting to show… Who wants to go up to a woman and ask if she is gaining weight?. Really?.. You might want to consider confiding in your brother and asking him not to say anything, but only if you really trust him to not make a big deal about it… I sure wouldn’t show up flaunting that you are going to have a baby right after their heartfelt loss, but I doubt you would do that anyway…
Dude - it’s your brother. Just be up front about it like this:
“Hey I feel really bad about everything that’s happened - I’ve been there, and I know this is bad timing, but I have to tell you something before the party, and it would be awful if I just showed up and hadn’t told you…”
Well, my wife is not “just starting to show” She is almost 12 weeks along, and fairly noticeable.
Also, my brother is a controls engineer and is out of town, working ludicrous sort of hours and is flying back into town on 9/30 for the party and then flying back out again.
Skipping the party really isn’t much of an option. He’s my only sibling, and we’ve already RSVP’d, and it would kind of stink for him if I didn’t make it.
If your wife goes, women will immediately notice. And as it’s your brother’s party, you can’t not go. So, in theory, you should go but your wife should not.
But how would your brother and his wife feel if they knew you’d kept this information from them? And given that she’s going in to hospital, is the party still going ahead?
I think you should go, but make the announcement well beforehand. I think it will cheer them up, and distract them.
OK, I’ve never been in this sort of situation (no kids), but what is the bigger deal to you? Telling people your wife is pregnant, or the fact that your wife is pregnant? For me, #2 is the bigger deal. Tell him now, but let him know how sorry you are for his misfortune. The fact of the matter is your wife is expecting, and if it is hard to hide, I don’t think the where/when/how of teling people is a big deal if most will guess anyway.
I agree with Doctor Who that you should break it to your brother beforehand, quietly–a day or two before. If you don’t, it’s going to be awkward when he and his wife see her and spend the whole party wondering. This way, they can get used to the idea and your SIL can do her crying in private (because she’ll relive her whole situation, again, and it will cause tears, even though she’ll want to be happy for you). I’ve been there and this is really what I would prefer to have happen to me.
As for the party itself, your wife should wear a loose shirt and hope no one notices. It is to be hoped that no guest will be so rude as to ask out loud whether she’s expecting. I agree with you that if you tell people at the party, the whole thing will promptly become about the baby, which you really do not want.
If she’s really showing so much that it’s obvious, you might want to arrange with your brother beforehand for her to have a cold and have to stay home, while you attend the party. Not so much fun for her, I know, but less awkward all 'round.
I agree. Telling them privately beforehand is really the only kind option, IMO. Then they have time to process it and are prepared, and hopefully they will understand your intentions, especially since you went through a miscarriage too and understand how hard it is. If she found out about it accidentally or suddenly at the party I think it would be much worse, and it sounds like you can’t count on hiding it.
12 weeks along is a reasonable amount of time and a stage when many people start sharing the news so it’s not like you are telling them about it when she is 3 weeks along. Then if I were her I would wear something not too conspicuous and not bring it up once there. If someone asked, I would be honest and polite and then change the subject to the party.
You shouldn’t have to hide it or lie, of course you feel bad for them but you can’t plan your own pregnancies around other people. I know it is difficult though, I got pregnant while close friends of mine were going through fertility treatments as well and breathed a huge sigh of relief when she got pregnant too. I know how awkward it can be.
Doctor Who nailed it. The sooner, the better. Will other close family or trusted friends be at the party? If so, prep them after telling your brother to steer conversation away from your wife’s pregnancy.
Thanks all, I appreciate the advice. I have decided to try to call my brother while he’s out of town and talk to him about this so he can talk to his wife before the party.
I have been in exactly the same position as your SIL recently. I miscarried; my So’s sister is happily pregnant.
My biggest worry, actually, was how uncomfortable my pregnant SIL would feel at my “misfortune” and how uncomfortable her discomfort would make me, if you can still follow me.
So, I’m with doctor Who, like everybody else. Tell him, and the sooner the better. Don’t worry that your brother will be jealous or heartbroken. He might be, for a few minutes. But really, those feelings are peanuts compared to what he and his wife already have been through.
Why should the crazyjoe’s wife stay home? She’s pregnant, and yes it will be tough on the SIL, but they both know how each other is feeling, considering both families have suffered miscarriages.
I think a conversation before the party, with your wife also talking to your SIL, will be the best way to handle it. It’s going to be an awkward situation, but as long as your brother knows you and your wife will be there for him and his wife, you’ll all get through this.
Yep, that’s how I’d do it. Tell 'em beforehand. They may even have some ideas on how they’re going to want to handle it.
On the other hand, I definitely think you need to schedule a different party time when your wife can be the center of attention for a big announcement (if she wants), because you don’t want to make her feel as if you’re ashamed of her pregnancy, either.
