Announcing a preganancy vs family vacation (need answer fast)

In My Humble Opinion
1

So my cousin is getting married in the Rockies in August. That side of the family doesn’t get to get together en masse all that often, so everybody’s excited for the excuse to make a long weekend of it.

As it turns out, Mrs. Rabbit and I, after a couple of years of trying and a miscarriage at 7 weeks last year, are expecting a little bundle of joy. She’s currently at 11 weeks and due the weekend of the wedding. This will be grandkid #1 for my parents.

We’ve been hesitating to tell my parents the happy news because of the way they reacted to the last miscarriage - e.g., in nearly the worst way possible. In her grief and general sense of superiority over the rest of humanity, my mom sent me a rather shitty, passive aggressive email shortly after the miscarriage implying that certain lifestyle choices on my wife and I’s part (history of smoking, waiting until our mid-30’s to settle down, etc…) were to blame for the loss of the pregnancy.

Needless to say, I ended up not speaking to my folks for several months after that.

So anyway, Mrs. and I were going to wait until AT LEAST after the Trisomy bloodwork and the nuchal to say anything, figuring that nobody would be thinking about booking plane tickets or making cabin reservations until the wedding invitations were in the mail and/or six months out, which means we thought we had a couple of more weeks.

However, this morning, a group text thread started up among my folks, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Everybody is very quickly making plans to book flights, put down deposits, etc.

I’m waiting for my wife to give me a call to work out what we want to do now, but I could use some advice in the mean time. What would you do?

2

I’m not clear about the relationship between the wedding and the due date. It sounds like you and your wife will likely opt out of the trip, but how will other people’s plans be affected? Wouldn’t they go to the wedding either way?

3

Me? I’d just lay low, and hope I got overlooked, and if they did try and pin me down, I’d say I’d been busy, or something like that, and then lay low again until they did actually manage to pin me down.

4

You went several months of not speaking to your family over a thoughtless email. They shouldn’t be too surprised if you just don’t say anything about the wedding plans for a few weeks. Just wait and make your announcement when you are ready and just ignore the wedding planning texts.

5

My parents would likely elect to stay in town. Remember, it’s their first grandchild.

6

But would it even be good if they did? Your poor wife should not be subjected to their potential abuse at a time like that. What if the baby has problems and they accuse her of causing them? Seems like keeping them away for a bit should be a goal, not something to enable them to avoid.

7

What’s wrong with “Hey parents, good news! Having a baby, due <insert weekend>. I know that’s the same weekend as cousin’s wedding, so obviously we won’t be able to make it. If you want to miss the wedding to be around the birth, that’s cool. If you still want to go to the wedding and see the baby afterwards, that’s cool too. Whatever you decide is cool with us. You don’t have to let us know, or ask for our opinion, or anything. We will hopefully be giving birth that weekend, so that is our plan.”

8

Meh, with the way your mom reacted to the miscarriage (holy shit - in the worst possible way!) I say she loses any possible privilege to be at the hospital or see the kid in the first few days. So she should go to her family get-together and not see the baby until it’s a day or two old.

“We’re having a baby and it’s due on the same day as cousin’s wedding!”
“Oh you should have told me, I would have stayed home!”
“Well, wife and I have decided we want the birth to be private and to start our new life together as just the 3 of us, so you go and enjoy your trip and see us as soon as you come back.”

9

They can’t tell the parents yet, it’s too early. So the parents’ plans will be made before they are ready to announce the pregnancy. The question is do they tell the parents before the parents make plans or not.

10

If I was still pizzed at my mother, I’d be tempted to wait until they bought plane tickets and booked hotel rooms. If you are lucky, those things wouldn’t be refundable…

11

How is your relationship with your mother right now? Is she still blaming you for the miscarriage?

If she has apologized and your relationship has been repaired, I would tell her now. If not, I don’t think I would say anything at all until you’re ready.

12

I think that the baby will come when it’s ready, probably not on some official due date. Your parents should go to the wedding for the weekend and see everyone. Worst case, they come back and see the two-day old bundle of joy, but chances are they’ll be there for the birth anyway.

So, unless your parents start talking about making a two-week trip out of it, I say don’t tell them anything yet.

This all assumes that you’re not happy for something to pull your mother away from the birth. For instance when our sprout was born, we told my parents (who live out of town) to not come visit until a week or two later, when we were more ready to see them (and could really use the help/chance to sleep).

13

Seems like there’s a good chance that Mom could misspeak again, should things take a turn, or just in the excitement, should she stick around waiting for baby. As her last interaction upset both you and your wife, having her at the birth, though traditional, may prove to be not a great idea.

If I were you, I’d see this as the universe sending you a sign, that you SHOULD take this opportunity to prioritize your wife and child above your cousin’s wedding. Or your Mom’s desires!

There is nothing wrong with wanting the birth of your child to be your way. Not wanting any unnecessary family drama.

I find it hard to believe she won’t be far too enchanted with a grandchild, to lapse into a silly miff over who was where, during delivery. At least not for long anyway. Plus, you survived the last miff, you’ll get over the next, I’m sure.

Also if pushed on ‘why’, I would hesitatingly, and as gently as I could, point out, though you’re sure she never intended them to be, her words following the miscarriage were found extremely hurtful by you both. And we really feared what might be said, small though the chance be, at the birth.

You shouldn’t say any more. If she pushes for you to defend your position, refuse flat out. She wanted to know why, this is why. She shouldn’t ask questions if she doesn’t want to hear the answer! But don’t debate about whether or not her words were appropriate. You simply see it differently. That is all. Just keep changing the subject or remain silent, in the face of all pushback.

If she wants to rant, let her wear herself out. Are you done now? “So yesterday…” Simply refusing to engage with her on this could help to change this dynamic. But don’t kid yourself, as empowering as not engaging is, it is not so easy to practice that first time, be aware. But it will be easier the second time, like with anything. And you may find she changes her approach after a few times.

Wishing congratulations on your baby, and great good luck with your Mom, too!

14

Firstly, congratulations and best wishes for your baby! :slight_smile:

Secondly, yes, your mother was way out of line in her reaction to your wife’s miscarriage. But, if she is to be a part of your baby’s life, you and your wife are going to have to find a way to truly forgive her and not let that affect her relationship with this child.

Thirdly, my experience: Hubs and I do not live near family. Both children were born with only Hubs in the room as “family witness” or whatever. We decided that we wanted to spend the first two weeks of their lives intimately. We had no help from the outside save a couple very short visits (dropping off meals, etc.) from neighbors and friends. For us, it was a lovely time of interdependence and bonding with our babies (and the second time, for the older child with the baby, too). After those two weeks were up, we welcomed our parents to come, stay, and visit the baby.

I tell you this because you have options here. You can create a “babymoon” for your new family if you wish, and tell people that you will not receive any visitors for whatever length of time you decide. In this way, you give yourself time to bond as a family. You also prevent any issues with your parents not attending the wedding.

It’s just a thought. :slight_smile:

15

What does your wife think? More specifically, what is the opinion of the woman who is going to go through labor and push 5-10 lb. of human being out of her on the location of her mother-in-law during that process? She may not want your mother anywhere near her during the delivery, regardless of whether your mother is in town or not. And you would be a fool and a cad to not back up your wife’s decision on that.

16

I don’t see how it’s too early. There is always a potential for problems, no matter WHEN you tell them.

How about this: Do you want your parents at the birth? If so, then tell them immediately. If not, then wait and suck it up when they complain you didn’t tell them in time.

I would still just tell them and let them make up their mind. If you don’t, and wait until after they make plans, they will be pissed no matter what happens. At least telling them up front puts the ball in their court to decide what they want to do.

17

It’s what people do. Especially if when something goes wrong your mother sends you a nasty email about how it’s all your fault.

I don’t think you’re paying attention here.

18

Congratulations!

I’m a bit confused. You haven’t actually said whether you and your wife want your mother to be present or in town during the birth of your child.

19

I am paying attention here, thank you.

When is the opportune time to tell them, then? What point in the pregnancy are they past the possibility of “something going wrong”? There IS no point, that’s MY point. So, it’s better to tell them right away and let them decide what to do.

And if it were me, I would have told my parents off if they sent an email like that, and warned them never to send another thing like that again.

20

Due dates are just estimates. It’s probably more likely that you guys will have the baby sometime the week before or sometime the week after that due date, than on the actual due date. More likely, is that your parents will be able to do both. You and your wife however will not.