A while back I asked a girl who worked where I did in fact we were the only two people who worked in that department. I didn’t even realized when I developed feelings for her but I knew I needed to tell her how I felt as I couldn’t hold it any longer. Unfortunately she said no and what was worse that whatever “relationship” we had before was ruined as well.
So fellow dopers if you did ever asked out a colleague how’d it go was it a yes/no did the no turn into a yes later down the road or did you ever regret disclosing to that person about your true feelings for them?
I had a serious relationship with a colleague for two years.
In terms of asking out, I would say forget all that movie shit of asking someone out who barely knows you as a sudden dramatic thing.
I never ask someone out for an obviously romantic meeting if there is a significant danger of them saying “no”. (OK, talking to someone on a dating app is an exception for obvious reasons).
How do I achieve this magic? Well I start with politeness, then friendliness, then I show a basic, non romantic interest in a person, then I show more interest and so on. At each step I’m listening for feedback that she’s not interested in me, which happens with most women, in which case I stop there.
But occasionally we ratchet up to the point where she’s asking me what I do outside of work and showing an interest in joining those activities (as well as flirting). That’s the time to ask her out.
I know some dopers will say just never, ever date a colleague, but, depending on your industry such hook ups can be very common and, as in my case, can absolutely lead to serious relationships without harming your career.
I actually kind of poured my heart out to her which I later regretted doing and thought I should’ve just asked her out for a movie and if she said no I would’ve get the message and I would stop there. But I also think I maybe made my move to early.
But you live and learn. It took me many years to get comfortable starting relationships, which is why I try to give advice on the dope; so the next gen don’t waste time like I did.
And I still make significant errors in other areas of my life.
Live and learn indeed and I also think that it’ll take a good many years for me to before I’m confident and comfortable in starting relationships. Thanks for the advice buddy. Mind if I ask how old are you?
I’ll be 31 this month.
I was utterly hopeless at talking to girls in my twenties. Girls would either abruptly reject me or show sympathy for someone with an apparent mental disability.
Then at around age 30 I had a friend who was very charismatic, plus I got into the “pickup artist” thing (which I know is seen as manipulative and misogynist by almost everyone now, but that was not my experience of the materials I came across; I just got advice for improving conversational skills from it).
Gradually I gained confidence, and at about your age I had my first serious relationship. And I discovered that relationships also have their own learning curve.
So finally by my mid-thirties I was finally in a place where starting and sustaining relationships was “just fun” and not something that took conscious effort or risked rejection.
That’s about the time I had my relationship with the work colleague. She was 15 years younger than me btw, but she was from a different department so there was no “abuse of power” or whatever.
Not sure if you wanted my life story but seemed to follow naturally from talking about my age
Kind of was hoping the life story part actually gives a me little hope. And that’s a great story indeed buddy you have no idea how much it means to me that you shared it.
I typically have dated women I worked with. At work you can see someone at their best, and at their worst. You see how they handle stress, and you see their work ethic.
The last woman from work that I dated, we dated for 3 years before we got married. That was 19 years ago and we’re still happily married.
I worked various restaurant and service jobs in my late high school and college years, and I asked out a few coworkers along the way, at least one of whom I was serious with for a longish period of time.
The nice thing about dating people you work with is that you get to know them first, and shared work experiences and cooperation create a sense of camaraderie. Then, when you do ask someone out it can be more casual than an ‘official’ date, it’s more like “want to grab a drink or something to eat after work?” and see where things go from there. Less pressure.
Of course, the potential bad thing about dating a coworker is if there’s a bad breakup, you still have to work with the person. But, that’s life, in all its wonderful messiness.
No, but I have been asked on occasion. I express warm gratitude for the thought, but I always refuse with a simple, “Oh, I never date in the work place because that can often lead to real problems.” We do out in groups, though, as “buds”. It’s fun, and I think it’s much better for everyone concerned.
A gazillion years ago, when I was still in the Navy, I went on a double date with a couple of coworkers and the wife of one. I’m not sure why Ray asked me out - we weren’t particularly close - but I agreed. I wish I hadn’t.
The married guy was rolling and smoking his own cigarettes. Yeah, I was dumb. Yeah, it was pot. Ray had to clue me in. And that really pissed me off because I had a security clearance and I should have reported him. Had we gotten stopped, I’d have been guilty by association and that would have ended my career. The one and only time I dated a coworker.
And once I was out of the Navy, I was married, so no chance of asking out coworkers at that point.
I’ve told the story here a few times of a co-worker I asked out. She said “yes” and I was quite happy, then she sent me an e-mail and asked if she could bring a date.
I originally invited her to a play. She sent me the e-mail a day or two later asking if I could get another ticket so she could bring a guy she was seeing. Not only was it clear that she wasn’t interested in me romantically, but she had no idea that I had even asked her on a date.
We wound up going to the play without the other guy. She and I still keep in touch long-distance, but I haven’t seen her in years.
I dates someone at work when I was 19/20. We worked together in a pharmacy part-time while going to school. Started out we’d hang out together with fellow co-workers after work. Found ourselves trying to get on the same work shifts just to spend more time together. One thing led to another and we dated for about a year.
Never been involved with anyone from work otherwise. As you get older and a “job” turns into a “career”, it begins to seem like a worse and worse idea.
I met my first two wives at workplaces (several years apart, obviously). By the time the relationships ended, we didn’t work together anymore, so at least there wasn’t that awkwardness.
Twice. One was a single mom, which in and of itself wasn’t a problem. But she didn’t seem that interested, so I never asked again. She later married another coworker, and they had a kid together. Considering what I wanted in a relationship, I think I “dodged a bullet”.
The other seemed eager and willing, and we were supposed to go out that same evening, but by four she disappeared and wouldn’t return my calls. What a flake. Next day acted like nothing changed. I stopped talking to her.
