Whoa. The way the shrill, psychotic claws come out when someone mentions she sleeps/has slept with a married man, you’d think no woman here has ever done anything similar to it even once. There might be actual human beings lurking here after all.
The girl I’m beginning to see will be the second whose preexisting relationship I’ve wrecked.
I have lived in a soap opera.
At the start, I was married, she had a crush on me. We escalated things for a few months, she wanted me to leave my wife. I was too scared to do that, so she left.
My wife had suspected, and later I confessed to the affair.
Fast forward five tough years.
My wife and I divorced, I contacted the old flame.
SHE was now married, expecting a son. We kept in casual touch for 4 years, then we started the romance again. 3 years of torrid, crazy life. She would come to my house in the evening, and leave at 2 in the morning. Broke my heart every time she left. I wanted her to leave her husband.
I finally ended it in 2000, and she showed up and contacted me a few times since.
I told her, “Goodbye means goodbye.”
Sometimes, I still think of her.
I’ve never been the other woman, as far as I know. I did some heavy flirting with a few married men when I was younger, but that’s where I’d draw the line. Anything more than flirting and the other person being in a relationship becomes a turn-off.
Never have been, and unless something fundamentally changes about my personality, never will be. Commitment is commitment, even if it’s someone else’s. You don’t get to have your cake and eat it, too.
Thank you Dr. Phil.
I have not, but I completely understand how it can happen. One of my best friends was, and knowing what a fabulous person she is, I can’t judge anyone else.
Yes, but I didn’t know at the time.
I have, on both sides. It was a really, really dark time in my life that I’d just as soon forget. It did teach me an important lesson about being judgmental, though. You really never know what you’re capable of unless you’re actually put in any given situation. Life really isn’t black and white.
I suppose I was “the other man” once. I got involved with a woman who had packed up her kids and ran away from her abusive husband. There wasn’t any chance that she was ever going to go back to him. After six months or so, she got a divorce and custody of the kids. We ended up living together for a year, but I was kind of the rebound/rescue guy, and we both realized it. We ended up going our separate ways on friendly terms.
I think the “shrill, psychotic claws” come out when someone sleeps with a married man (or woman) and minimizes it or makes excuses for it. Everyone makes mistakes, but continuing to engage in behaviour that you recognize is wrong is different from making a mistake, owning up to it, and resolving not to do it again.
Oh, that’s just cruel.
Question was asked; question was answered. I’m not going to pussyfoot around my own position just in case someone thinks I’m directing some kind of judgement at them personally. Chances are, either they already feel bad about it, in which case I’m not going to make them feel any worse; or they don’t feel bad about it, in which case they couldn’t care less what I think.
I was sixteen years old and had a huge crush on an older fella who got me high and we’d fool around while his girlfriend was out of the house.
I thought we were in love, and stupid enough to believe him when he said they only lived together because they had a child together. His girlfriend never looked happy when I was around but I was also so stupid I couldn’t put two and two together to see that she wasn’t happy BECAUSE I WAS THERE but she was so in love with him she put up with his behavior. I just assumed she wasn’t a happy person.
I would never do that to another person now that I know better.
Bi female; hasn’t happened to my knowledge. I would never get involved with someone if I knew they were in a relationship, and if I had ever started a relationship with someone not knowing they were committed, I can’t imagine not dumping them once I’ve found out.
I’m very judgmental about cheating/emotional betrayal, but more so about the cheater than the person they are cheating with. But most of my friends have cheated on boyfriends, and been the ‘other women’ to various degrees. I think it causes unnecessary drama and is morally reprehensible (and I refuse to let them whine about it all to me), but I realize it’s a fairly common thing for people to do, and there are worse things they could be doing…
I’m fairly certain I’m not capable of cheating. If I didn’t want to be with someone 100% I’m the type to leave them right away, rather than looking for a better relationship, as I much prefer being alone to the company of anyone other than a person I’m madly in love with.
Mhm…and how’s that workin’ out for ya?
Sorry, couldn’t help myself.
Fooled around with an ex a couple of times whilst he was with his new girlfriend (he still is AFAIK). Stopped it the first time, carried it to its uh natural climax the second.
Not exactly an affair, but she’d have reason to be fucking angry. I’m not proud of it, and I think the second time basically killed our messy attempt at friendship.
Quite different, but I do see a lot of claws, and I don’t see a lot of threads around here with people going, “Sure, I’m banging someone else’s guy. BFD, sue me, it’s not my problem.” Well there was that one fairly recently, but the less said about that, the better.
Edit: Claws in general about this kind of thing. Not in this thread.
I used to be quite judgmental about that sort of thing until I experienced the situation myself. I think Dopers who tend to be vocal about the subject are those who haven’t been there. I’m not saying that my experience makes me think that it’s okay to be the “other” person, because it isn’t, but once you’ve been in those shoes it tends to give you more perspective.
If anyone had asked me my opinion five years ago, I probably would have gotten up on my high horse as well. It’s just that you can only empathize with people if you can imagine yourself in their shoes, and I think it’s very difficult for most people to imagine themselves in such a position unless they’ve actually been there.
Not making excuses for anyone on either side, just contributing my two cents.
As the one cheated upon, I will abstain from this thread except to say that honestly–how is it that hormones become more important than relationships? It’s one thing if the guy (or woman) lies to you about being married/involved. But as soon as you know… how is it ok to keep going?
I’m not saying it’s not painful or hard; I’m saying boundaries need to be respected. If they’re not by the spouse or SO, what makes the “other person” think that said spouse or SO will honor the relationship boundaries between the two of them? How is trust established in such a situation? That’s why I mentioned hormones aka lust/need for gratification.
IOW, don’t stick your hand in the crazy and a triangle can make anyone crazy…
Lady, you are this close (holds fingers close together) to getting me on my soapbox. Suffice to say, here are my two cents… scratch that, one cent: I think in general Dopers who tend to be vocal and hyper-judgmental about whatever it is learned everything they know about being a human being from Google, and not any actual interactions or experiences with other people.