If my girlfriend gave me approval to sleep with other women but I knew that it killed her to do so I wouldn’t do it. That’s not what I call love.
If it was eating you up inside not to sleep with this other person, you wouldn’t be in a healthy relationship, anyway.
When I was 19 I had an older (25) male friend living in the dorms, who really liked me, but I was dating someone else. When I broke up with the someone else at the end of the school year, I slept with the friend, right before I went home for the summer. The next school year (when I decided I was madly in love with him) he had moved out of the dorms and in with his “girlfriend of 5 years!” Previously he had called her his ex, she said they were together. The guilt tore me up for a while, but eventually I chalked it up into how they each saw the relationship.
Three years later, they were still living together, but actually “as friends” (two bedrooms) and we resumed an on again off again physical relationship. We didn’t date, because I felt uncomfortable about the whole thing, and I wanted it kept a secret from her. She was throwing him at me, but I was just too confused, and at 22 years old I didn’t understand their open relationship. So I dated their social circle, which just added more drama and messiness.
Eventually I grew up, moved on and found a different set of friends.
So I voted yes, because I felt like I did, although I may not have actually crossed boundaries.
That’s true.
Yes (although I clicked the wrong 'Yes" option). It’s how I lost my virginity.
Assuming this is true, there was no cheating. If everyone knows and consents there’s no cheating involved. However…
I think they were both wrong in this. If both are materially participating in something that hurts someone else, then they are both responsible for it. And if all you can get from your husband is “begrudging” consent, then you at least need to spend more time and effort talking the situation through, until you get to a point where everyone is freely consenting – whether it’s consent to open the marriage or to end it. As for his part, he could have pointed out that “begrudging” consent is a far cry from free consent, and suggest that more discussion needed to happen (and refuse to participate until it did).
The husband bears his own share of the responsibility for it, too. He’s responsible for not agreeing to something he’s not actually comfortable with.
My post was getting long enough as it was; the point I was trying to make was that every situation is unique and everyone judging the situation is unique. As a victim, elanorigby is certainly going to judge with a different set of eyes than I whether what we did was an “affair” or not.
The reason she’d had the courage to ask in the first place was because a few years before, her husband had the hots for some young thing at the office and had asked her permission to pursue it. After mulling it over she replied, “Just don’t bring home any diseases.” Nothing came of it but when I came on the scene, she didn’t even have to remind him of that when it was her turn to ask.
I definitely felt like an interloper – I thought on the way home after The Question, “Congratulations, you have half a girlfriend” – so other than a veiled “How did it go?” when we got together again I never asked what she and her husband might or might not be doing. She said he was awfully curious – how big was he, how many times did you do it, what positions did you use – so I think the idea turned him on at first, but it started gnawing at him until after about three months he gave her an ultimatum: Him or me. She chose me.
Their older daughter was in college and their younger just starting high school so every month or two, she and her now-ex would meet for about three or four hours to discuss their progress and plan the future. She was still quite fond of him and they might or might not have had sex; I never asked. For my part, an old flame called one night distraught. I told my now-wife, “<Name> just called and she’s in a bad way. She might want to . . .” She said, simply, “Go. Do what you need to.” Nothing happened, though beyond a lot of hugging and commiseration. As I quipped to a friend, “I’ve got an open marriage; I just never went through the door.”
Umm I have several times in old odd multiple situations. The absolute fondest was with a co-worker… I look back at it with a lot of great memories… Sorry I can’t add an evil regretful twist but i found them to be passionate and soo much fun.
Oh Jesus this is what its come to in 2010? For godsakes the two of them should’ve just gone ahead and knocked boots. I mean really… now you need a consent form to go on the class trip? It seems to me that it wasn’t this painful and strung out some time ago. Oh well… commence with the permission party…
Yeah, honesty and respect for one’s partner are bad!
Not enough :rolleyes: in the world…
Nope. Hever had the opportunity or the interest.
I never have. At 20, Ihad a married friend hint at it implicitly while her husband was away, and try very hard to get me up into a 3rd floor bedroom she had just redecorated.
I liked her, she was so beautiful, and she was Very attractive to me, but she was married & had children that were very cool. I declined & saved the friendship.
We were friends until she died.
My husband was in the dying, gasping last breaths of a miserable relationship with his girlfriend of a couple of years when I met him. We started our relationship before he officially cut it off with her. I think I was what gave him enough reason to leave her–he wanted out but didn’t want to hurt her, so he kept putting it off until he had a real tangible reason. I wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t already trying to get out of that relationship. We’ve been together six years now, married for just over a year.
Technically, we probably should have waited to get physical until they were officially over, but it was a long distance thing and we lived several states apart, so the opportunities we had to see each other were few. To be fair, it was only like a month between when we first met and he broke up with her, but we first met at a juggling festival, then he flew to visit me once, and then we met up at another juggling festival within that month. I don’t really feel that bad about it, because he was really, truly miserable in that relationship and we both really needed each other, and he did the right thing by breaking up with her. Plus we knew pretty quickly that what we had was special and something we both needed.
I don’t know exactly how to vote on this. I dated a young lady for a while who told me she was divorced. Turned out her husband was working 28 on, 28 off on an offshore well. So I guess I was the other guy, but I didn’t know I was.
… You’re seriously suggesting that people should just fuck around behind their partners’ backs whenever they want to?
I wasn’t really sure if I was gonna answer you… but I really enjoy your posts and I did perhaps come off as a snarky ass… I really wasn’t trying for irreverence. In my line of work I run into a LOT of stories on this issue. (Not a therapist, just a guy who comes when you call… every time LOL)
It seems to me that if a relationship is on the skids. which all relationships have that point… today people are going to their significant others and saying well… I really like this other person… but not enough to end things with you (for whatever entanglements kids… money… comfort) so I’m essentially asking your permission to kick it with this other person. So in effect… you’re blackmailing me emotionally. I’m clear that I’m not at this time meeting your needs… and you have come to me honestly so i guess the ball is in my court eh? But Shot… is it really? Removing couples who genuinely enjoy a third person… I would be in a real Hobson’s choice. I risk losing you who I love… added with the new knowledge that I no longer float your boat. So if I really love you… I’ll allow/sign off? Really. Shit I’m no parts old school or even a member of the GOP… but in my current relationship I really hope she would keep me in the dark. Maybe she finds out it wasn’t what she wanted and that it was a mistake. Do we really have to have that conversation ala “Human” by The Human League? I’m just saying that perhaps in our parents generation they had some things right about being better left unsaid.
No… I’m not advocating people just rampantly fucking around on one another… What seems like something really hot and fun when you’re young… really looks selfish and pitiful later on. (Okay… it took me a minute to grow up)
Woo! Thanks. 
For me, it comes down to commitments. I personally think that cheating is one of the most immature, frustratingly selfish things a person can do; if you want to be with someone else, be with someone else. But you don’t get to hang on to the stability of your current relationship and still get to run around with whoever currently strikes your fancy. You have a contract with that person, whether or not it’s been formalized on paper, and if you want to change the terms of that contract, you have to fucking suck it up and ask them. Not sneak around behind their back and pray you never get caught. And if you can’t deal with the potential fallout from that–which includes the look in your partner’s eyes when you confirm that right now, you need more than they can give you–then you don’t get to have your fun.
Note that this applies, of course, only to relationships with an expectation of exclusivity. Really, it comes down to “stick to what you’ve said you were going to do.” If you’re not a monogamous person, don’t promise someone a monogamous relationship. Go find someone who’s okay, or even happy, with you getting involved with other people from time to time.
Maybe there are some people who’d rather just not know. But me, personally? I want to at least be offered the choice of letting you sleep with someone else or kicking your ass to the curb.
*All of these are, of course, the generic “you.”
ETA: If anybody’s curious, I’ve never cheated on anybody, nor do I have any reason to suspect that I’ve ever been cheated on.
It was very wise of you to clarify your position.
I’m banging your spouse right now.
!!!
Time-traveling adultery is EVEN WORSE than regular kind! You monster!