I would bet that he’s miserable at his new school, and if that situation can be made better, his overall behavior will improve.
Yeah, but she can’t. This is his last stop. The kid really needs help and Alice needs a break.
If his school situation is causing the problem, it needs to be dealt with. Is he getting the help he needs in the new school to get him up to grade level?
I’m sorry you’re going through this, Alice. Hope it all works out for the best.
[mod]Since you’re looking for advice and other people’s experiences, I’ll move this to IMHO.[/mod]
Not yet- it’s a new placement, so they are still figuring out how to deal with his IEP. It’s a very small school with multiple grades in one classroom, but they are all, it seems, much more advanced than he is in school. I can’t blame him for feeling overwhelmed there and feeling like he doesn’t fit in. I’m desperately trying to find something else for him. There is a school in our neighborhood that is for special-ed, special needs children, offers intensive supervision and works with the kids’ doctors and could be perfect for him, but the principal there told me today that it’s also for kids that are gang members and have been severely abused and neglected and such, and that if he thinks he was bullied before, he ain’t seen nothing if he goes there. So my search for the right school continues.
Okay, thanks, twix. Although I’d be happy to get advice, I didn’t want to ask for it because there are so many variables and details in our experience as compared to others’, it’s hard to ask for specific advice. So I felt like just asking for experiences would be better, and that would go in MPSIMS. But IMHO is cool.
Alice, to get the respite care it sounds like you need, try looking up the closest Arc organization, explain your situation, and ask them about respite. If they can’t help you, they may know who can.
I’m hoping for the best for you and your son.
I’m not saying the situation is your fault. But he is correct, IMO… not having a dedicated, full-time, live-in father is likely the root cause of the problem.
Alice, I would suggest you read Debbie Spungen’s excellent book about her daughter Nancy (of Sid & Nancy fame) And I Don’t Want To Live This Life. It sounds like you are going through something similar to what her family did.
Debbie Spungen believes some children are just born disruptive and there’s nothing there families can do about it.
</snort>
Hardly. Would you say the same thing to two lesbian women who were raising a troubled teen? Do you oppose same sex marriage on the grounds that two men or two women can’t raise a well rounded child without being married to a member of the opposite sex?
The kid is being a shithead because he’s 13 and his life has been rough lately. He’s 13. His body is going nuts. He’s sick. He feels stupid. Yelling at his mom is the only thing he can control some days.
And you can read “When Rabbit Howls” and learn that some people have split personality. And “Valley of the Horses” and learn that early modern humans liked sex. Is this “Books Read in Middle School” book group but I missed the notice?:rolleyes:
Well golly, if your daughter was stabbed to death by a rock star you’re definitely an expert! I guess Alice should just give up now, huh?
I suggest seeking advice of your son’s caretakers, rather than the contents of illconsidered memoirs.
Alice can you clarify something for me? Does your 13 year old son know how to tie his own shoes? Is he mentally capable of knowing how to tie is own shoes? If yes, is it possible that somewhere inside he KNOWS he needs to take more responsibility for himself? Might you be holding him back, with your urge to protect him? If so, a summer camp or other (fun! not punitive!) residential program of his choosing might do him a world of good.
I believe a boy has a much better chance of exhibiting good behavior when a loving but strong father is also in the house. I understand this is not a politically-correct opinion. But I don’t care about political correctness.
I don’t know if this is “politically-correct” or not but I do believe it is incorrect.
This had crossed my mind too when she mentioned tying his shoes and such. At his age I’m sure he’s painfully aware that other kids his age aren’t having their moms help out to such an extent and perhaps it’s his frustration over that that’s causing a lot of the anger? I don’t know the extent of his physical disabilities but is there any way you can start letting him be a bit more independent? You’re not going to be there for his entire life to do such things so he’s going to need to find a way to be more independent eventually. Maybe sit down and talk with him about it and if it’s what’s bothering him, try to figure out ways together that he can start doing more things himself?
That’s a far cry from your original statement that not having a father present is the likely cause of the problem.
Probably not. The kid has ODD - its probably brain chemistry rather than lack of a strong father figure. Moreover, it isn’t like good fathers can be picked up off the street, or that you can take the kid to the return counter when bio-Dad is an ass. Nor is it helpful to say “oh, change the past.”
The worst little shit of my son’s friends - the one we discourage him seeing - is one with a intact, two parent family. Nice people, too. The kid is just trouble - has been since kindergarten. Not likely “big trouble” - he isn’t violent or mean - but certain wins the “most likely to thoughtlessly steal a car for a joyride” contest.
Well can all believe what we will, but from what I have seen some (not all) young aggressive males really do need a strong guiding male hand, and without it will behave exactly like the 13 year old son is behaving. Boys want to be led and guided by a strong male presence. There are huge aggressive energies in some 13 year old boys and unless they are firmly directed chaos will ensue.
This happens so often it’s almost a cliche when people ask “Why? Why is he this way? Why doesn’t he respect me, and the sacrifices I have made?”
In most cases he will eventually grow out of it when his hormones calm down, and in the meantime he can wile away the time having therapists slap “oppositional and defiant” labels on him and having external coercion ramped up in the form of institutionalization and legal authorities.
He is behaving like a complete shit because you (at this moment in time) are exactly what he does not need or want and what he is trying to break away from at this point, but he can’t because he’s young and stupid (in the way all teenagers are stupid) and confused. You are not going to love and comfort him out of this.
He needs space, he needs to be away from you for a year or more. Preferably with relatives where there is a reasonable male presence in the house. You need to arrange this vs institutionalizing him.
Re the shoe-tying situation: There are sneakers (Skechers is one brand) that fasten with Velcro.
I realize this is only a tiny part of the problem, but every little bit helps.
I strongly believe in and encourage my son to accept things how they are, not how we wish they were. The fact is that I’m not married. How would you suggest we change that- time machine or shotgun wedding (that’s me holding a shotgun to a man’s head to marry me)?
Hi Alice, I have not had to go through what you are now, but I wanted to say good luck and I hope it turns out well for you and your son. I do have a friend who had to have her son live away from home in some kind of mental institution for a couple of years (not sure what it was called but it did not sound like a group home), he’s out now and living in his own place (with support). He had major issues from childhood but went into the institution during some of his teenage years, I guess he was around the age of your son. He will always have issues but the violence seems to have been resolved. So I hope that you son’s situation also gets sorted out. Good luck!