My son has Man of the House Syndrome.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My son will be 17 in September. Some factors that seem to have a role in his sudden onset of Man of the House Sydrome would be: a. the recent aquisition of his driving permit; b. the recent moving-out of my (ex)husband (his stepfather); c. a promise from his father to buy him a truck for his birthday.

Suddenly, I have a 16 year old making rather…well, bossy remarks about what we “need to do around here,” as if he is a consultant of some sort who has been hired to come in and get things shipshape. “We need to fix the brick out front.” “We need to get a new roof.” “We need to get a new trombone, a JAZZ trombone, and we need at least $800 to do it.”
And all of this is not in the tone of someone who is concerned and making a suggestion about what our family’s financial priorities might be. I would describe the tone as, oh, imperious. Authoritarian, if you will.

So, I suppose I will have to plan a Family Meeting. In that meeting, we will need to discuss family projects that we can do–very, very CHEAP family projects–around the house. We’ll also discuss the budget, because I do believe that a new brick wall, a new roof, and a new trombone are all, sadly, out of reach of the budget at the moment. At the moment, in fact, we’ll be focusing on how to stretch the grocery budget to feed the 5 of us this month, how to pay the bills, and how to keep gas in the van. We’ll also figure out how to set up a savings (they get an allowance each month) for each of the older kids, so they can put their own money aside for the things they want.

We’ll also touch on the whole concept of the parent being the PARENT in the house, and the kids being the KIDS in the house, and how being a kid means freedom from certain responsibilities and restrictions on certain freedoms. And THAT, my friends, may be the hardest discussion at all, because when you’re a 16 year old boy who is the oldest man in the house, it has to chafe a little when your mom reminds you who the boss is.

I feel for him. He’s a good kid. But I’m a good mom, too, and things could be a lot worse for us. In fact, they have been a lot worse, and in the not-so-distant past, too.

sigh Is a Perfect Life too much to ask? I’m worn out–the divorce, the money issues, the two trips to Wisconsin, getting the house in shape–I’m tired, and I don’t see an end in sight.

It’ll get better, right? I mean, sometime before he moves out, hopefully?

2

Didn’t you know that all human beings between the ages of 14 and 18 are bastards who want everything their own way and are never satisfied even if you are able to give them everything they want? At this stage parents just need to wait it out.

(forgive me if I have completely misunderstood the post/situation. My excuse is I am drunk. (my excuse for that is I have finally reached my much-needed days off from work))

3

It will get better, I’m sure.
Please do not take this as critical of you/your situation at all, but it sounds like he has seen 2 men come and go (dad and stepfather)* and may be thinking that “It’s high time somebody took control here”. I do see this a LOT with the families I work with, where the kid will try to assume a parentified role after a divorce or breakup, even if it’s clear to others that Mom is 100% in control (and that’s why she did the smart thing of getting out of a marriage that wasn’t working).

As difficult as the talk about limits and responsibilities will be, it’s the absolute best thing you can do for him, and I clearly hear that you are aware of that. He may not take kindly to the suggestion, but I’ll bet that somewhere under his bravado, he will be relieved to know that you are still the Master of the House.

*this is what I’m assuming, based on what you’ve written. My apologies if I am wrong.

4

Bodypoet, do you realize how in control you are? Just from your words, I can only wish for an ounce of what you’ve got going on! You’re headed in the right direction and yes, good things will come. I have no patience and even I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel for the crap in my life that has been going on since last November.

I’d rather have a bossy 16 year old man of the house than an immature one that shows no responsibility. Count yourself fortunate! Better yet, send him down to me. I have contractors that need some fire under their butts and I bet your son could do it for me!

5

Could be. Could also be that he’s just 17 years old and figures he’s wa-ay smarter than his mom – her being, of course, merely a dumbass grownup – and, if he could just be in charge, he could quickly and easily get all their family chaos sorted out.

I have a similar “man of the house” – mine will be 17 in a couple of weeks and I’ve kept his same dad around for all 17 years. Frankly, I’m thinking it’s the nature-of-the-beast.

I try to be amused rather than irritated, but it’s hard, I know.

My own, yesterday, came up with a GREAT IDEA for the tatoo he thinks he’s going to talk me into letting him get. He wants, centered on his shoulder blade:

100%
AMERICAN
BADASS

And yet, he feels perfectly free to make extremely pointed recommendations about our budget, our home improvements, our wardrobes, our vacation and career plans, AND our driving. Especially our driving. And, he’s extremely cross when, after listening carefully to his suggestions we ignore them and do as we think best. That said, he recently made an excellent suggestion about a home improvement project. My husband was planning a brick patio and Nick made a design suggestion that was really helpful. We praised him fulsomely, incorporated his suggestion, and have been pointing out his contribution to all comers. But we’re still ignoring most of his suggestions. Because most of them, like his brilliant idea for his tatoo, are crap.

6

I used to just remind my son of all the cool decisions he’ll get to make when he has HIS OWN PLACE!!! And HIS OWN MONEY!!! They can be such dweebs sometimes. I swear.

7

The best idea for all those home improvement projects? Make him do 'em! If he wants to fix stuff, great! He’ll either learn something about fixing stuff or quiet down.

8

Wait a second…17?! You’re kid is doing this at 17?! Mine is 10 and he started this about a year ago! Based on Lobsang’s post, I’m going home tonight and telling him that he’s four years too early with this crap and I’d better start seeing some Very Brady Attitudes or I’m posting him on ebay.

I’m doomed.

9

My 11 year old daughter informed me yesterday that “you [meaning me] don’t know everything.” I told her, “That’s true, but I know who gives you your allowance every week, and I know who decides when I will drive you somewhere. You can easily start walking, you know.”

That was the end of that conversation. She learns quickly.

10

Let me stand up and applaud your active-parenting if I may!

Good job!

Now, if you can swing it, try and do one of his suggestions…the catch being he has to do it. He wants the roof re-shingled? Get his ass up a ladder for 2 days in the blazing sun.
Does he have a PT job? If he’s gonna live in the house, I think he should chip-in to renovate it, too!

That may just help him settle in reality a bit.

11

Is your son interested in girls? You might direct him to the many websites where women discuss how much they dislike such attitudes in a man.

It wouldn’t be nice to suggest that you tell your tell your son “Learn to treat me and other women right, or you’ll never get laid,” but you might want to convey that general idea.

12

Oh, I feel much better after a nap and hearing from other parents.

Lorene, no need to apologize. I think his syndrome is more related to the sudden freedom that we all have in our home to actually express this stuff. His dad and I divorced when he was just 4, and I recall him going through a similar phase shortly after, on a much more immature scale, of course. This newly-ending marriage lasted a decade, and I know that I’m going through a similar “gonna clean up and paint and move furniture and CHANGE MY LIFE, hallelujah!” phase–I’m just nicer about it, and more aware of the financial restraints.

He’s a good kid, quite capable, fairly responsible, and has a basement full of tools, so some of his ideas about work around the house are quite do-able. My basic rule is, if you can do it with what we have on hand, go for it. And he does. I have the most enormous, solid, attached-to-the-wall television shelf you could imagine–one of such proportions and nail-to-wood ratio that if I ever want to move it, I’ll have to hire some sort of tool to cut it off at the base. On a more attractive front, he’s cleared the front 2/3 of our property with a push-mower and a Leatherman, and I’m talking woods here.

On the other hand, and thank you, 1ofthegulls for reminding me…having this bossy-but-capable young man around the house is decidedly better than having his bossy-and-mean-but-unhelpful stepdad around. At least my son is trying to improve things, trying to be responsible, and making an effort to figure out how to express himself appropriately. In his words, he hates it when he finds himself “acting like a teenager.”

I just have to get past some of the parent-guilt I have about the finances and the fact that it took me so damn long to get OUT of that marriage.

I’ll let you all know how the family meeting goes…

13

Sounds like a good kid, who (when he isn’t quite so wound up about it) is going to make a great man. Right on track, good job, mom!

If he really wants to be that involved, you might consider involving him a bit in the finances/budget. If he is self mobile, put him in charge of the shopping. Give him the weekly budget for groceries and make sure he understands how to make meal plans, shopping lists, and bargain shop. Its a great chore for self important mobile teenagers. (Partially because it really is an important part of the functionioning of a family, partially because its a great life skill that he’s going to need anyway, and finally because its a PITA that is really relaxing to get rid of.)

14

He wants to be the man of the house?

Well all righty then! Let him:[ul][li] Take out the garbage[/li]
[li] Change the oil[/li]
[li] Walk the dog[/li]
[li] Clean the litter box[/li]
[li] Chop the firewood[/li]
[li] Change the furnace filters[/li]
[li] Oil all the door hinges[/li]
Rotate the tires[/ul]You get the picture. Until he’s on top of all those manly chores, he’s just gonna hafta wait on that $800 jazz trombone.

15

Ah, if I could only get the man of house to perform those tasks, Zenster.
bodypoet, your plans sounds dead on, and I could be walking in your shoes in 10 years - hang in there and stay tough. Sounds like you deserve a good massage and a solo vacation! Good luck!

16

You can do that? You know just the other day a friend of mine was trying to show me how to get around on e-bay. Maybe I will have to check into that.:dubious:

17

Well, I’d set a reserve price, of course. And since he’s only 10, I haven’t seen a lot of return on my investment yet, but there’s great snow shoveling potential there in a couple of years! Right now he does dishes really well and takes out the trash–of course the occasional whining and full body sighs could detract a bit from the price. :wink:

18

Still haven’t had our family meeting yet, because I’m waiting to see if my paycheck arrives today. I’ve forewarned them both, however.
Elderpoet spent a good deal of his day yesterday alternately making snarky remarks and then going out and weedeating the entire property. Apparently the physical exertion did him some good, because by evening he was almost back to rights.
However. I’ve reached a point of clarity on an issue or two:

  1. He will not die without another new trombone. This past year, I spent $700 on a great horn for him, and it’s in perfect condition. If he wants a new horn–it must be a tenor horn this time! with a bright tone! for JAZZ!–then I’ll help him line up some work and help him get his allowance into savings. He could easily have a horn within 6 months if he puts his mind to it.
  2. Budget-wise, I just basically want the boys to be more aware of the financial situation. They need to understand the difference between needs and wants, and right now, he’s not quite getting it. They will have some minor input, such as “Do we spend our fun money on pizza or movies this week? Or…would you rather have a few bags of Doritos and some Cokes?”, but that’s about it. I’m trying to be very careful about making them aware without making them responsible, if that makes sense.
    But sending him shopping with a list…hmmm! Not a bad idea!!!
    And I think, in honor of their future wives, each of them needs to cook dinner once a week.
    :smiley:
19

That sounds like a great idea, bodypoet! If they shop for dinner and cook it, it’ll really make them realize what’s involved in meal planning and organizing all of it–I think I’m going to give that a try, too. My sons are much younger, but they get an allowance and I have them keep track of it in check book registers. That way they can see it grow from week to week and see it diminish if they want to take some out when they go shopping. Since we’ve started doing this, I’ve noticed that they are much more careful about how they spend they’re money because they don’t like to see those numbers go down.

20

You old people are sick. Sick sick sick.

Oh, and it is kind of insulting to hear how you old geezers think about us. IM your kid a link to this thread. He’ll probably understand his nice ole mom a whole lot better.