Anyway, what you are seeing here are a few parents who seem to be pretty involved, pretty loving, and pretty tolerant. I’ve seen a hell of a lot worse, and if you haven’t, you need to go work with some troubled kids somewhere.
Last I checked, I didn’t come near qualifying for “geezer” status, although the thought is rather compelling since I plan to be a stubborn, I-will-damn-well-do-as-I-please old geezer when the time comes. And I’m actually a pretty nice mom. Are you a nice kid, and is “sick sick sick” some kind of compliment that you customarily pay, as a nice kid, to old geezers?
If you have any constructive ideas, feel free to post them. Or you can go whine about how mistreated and misunderstood you are. We all make choices, after all.
Well, it was mostly said in jest, but I suppose I was partially serious. I mean, look at how everyone is acting. This thread may as well have been called “Bash the teenager (Haha! My own son, too!).”
Truthfully, darkknight (and is it okay, now that we’re friendlier, if I tell you that I always read your id as “darkaardvark”? Which actually is a pretty cool name.) I really, really LIKE teenagers. I didn’t teach high school students for 10 years for nothing, you know.
Teenagers are great. They’re busy learning their ways in the world, and I know how difficult that can be. Forming opinions–actually thinking them through, making decisions that will affect the rest of their lives, making difficult choices, chafing under the lack of control…all of it is tough work, no doubt about it.
That’s all to be expected; it’s his job to grow up. But MY job is to not expect him to function as an adult or partner in my home, because he’s NOT. He’s not an adult, he’s not my life partner, he’s not (unless he begins paying rent) my roommate. And if I were to allow him to function in any of those roles, I’d be doing him a disservice, imo. Parenting and the responsibilities that go with it are on my contract, not his. And if I forced him, or allowed him, to function as a grownup before he should have to do so, I have no doubt that he’d look back with regret some day.
I know so many parents and adults who seem to genuinely dislike their kids or teens in general. It’s sad. I’m not seeing that here, though…just some good-natured support and ribbing and an obvious regard for what we, ourselves, have gone through as kids and as parents. We aren’t unsympathetic to kids. We’re just more sympathetic to other adults, because we know the story from both sides.
My son will do fine in the long run. He’s just going through a bit of a tough time right now. We’re going through a pretty major transition, and no one is quite sure how to handle so much peace in the house.
Well, I wouldn’t know about my dad, as he’s in the Phillipines right now. My mother, though, is a different story. She’s really not too bright in a lot of matters. Her logic is all screwed up (“Warcraft 3 is evil because it has magic in it. (Nevermind Lord of the Rings and the Narnia series, which she approves of)” “Don’t watch the Matrix: Reloaded without my permission (I’m 18).” “I’ll finish filling out your college forms tomorrow. (But Mom, you said that last week.)”). She’s a big procrastinator and a little bit of a hypocrite. Now, I don’t hate her or anything; I see that she’s had a lot to deal with, but all I want is for her to make sense most of the time.
I’ve pretty much given up on her, but that won’t really matter anymore. Pretty soon I’ll be in college, and I won’t have to see her for a while. Maybe with just my brother left, she’ll have more room to think.
P.S. I have been considering changing my name for a while now. I’ve just been slack about asking an administrator to do it. Maybe it’s time for the DarkAardvark to come to life.
I’m still unclear on what’s so terrible about a teenager who actually notices what kind of condition the house is in, and cares if it’s good or not.
My parents have been slobs for as long as I’ve known them. No, that’s not a teenager’s opinion. I’m 33, and they’re still slobs. My husband, sister, sister’s husband, dad’s pal and pal’s wife all agree. When I was a teenager, I tried as much as I could to clean up and organize. You’d think my mom would have been grateful that she had a daughter who did these things without even being asked, but instead, she took it as an insult.
For instance, she forbid me to wash the kitchen floor, even when we were sticking to it, because she was allegedly the only person on earth who knew how to wash a floor. Maybe so, but she could have applied this skill more often than twice a year (not an exaggeration). And she would tell her friends what a “snotty kid” I was, thinking I “knew everything”, but I don’t think it’s being a smartass to state that paperwork from two years earlier belongs in a file cabinet, not jumbled on the table in the foyer.
So let him work around the house. If he’s in a good mood afterwards, that may not mean that you’ve gotten the last word. It may be that he likes knowing that he’s accomplished something. It’s frustrating to not be allowed to contribute anything to the household when you know your contribution would do a lot of good.
Um, don’t lump me in with the geezers; I’m only 22. Maybe I’m missing something, but why is she filling out your college forms? Shouldn’t you do that? I seem to recall having to doing that myself back in the old days.
-Lil
This is SO much better than saying, " Because I am the parent and you are the kid and you have to do as I say, neener, neener." With certain freedoms come specific responsibilities and obligations and you have to earn those responsibilities in order to gain those little freedoms. This is not being done to be mean to you, it is being done to let you grow at you own pace and I am trying to shelter you from the cold hard cruel slap with a wet, dead mackeral in the face of life that happens all to fast. Blah blah blah. At least that is the big opening line I plan to fire at my kids when The Day comes. Your Parental Coma-Inducing Lecture May Vary.
I commend you highly on grasping What It Is All About.
( and saying it so well.)
As for Advice What, you thought you’d squeak by without a tidbit from moi?
Why not pick up a Do It Yourself Home Repair Book from the library to give to Elderpoet to learn some basics. I just donated an entire set of the Time/Life Fix it up series which now, naturally, I wish I had or I would send the remedial applicable ones to you at no obligation to buy the rest
I think from what you have written that you seem to be doing a commendable job in raising a son who a) cares b) is motivated
c) plays a horned instrument and wants to continue to do so thus probably keeping him off of the evils of cigerettes. Frankly the fact that he isn’t raging and ranting and angsting about the house in stereo-typical teen fashion is commendable.
Also, I find it most excellent ( dudette) that you are sitting the KinderPoets down for a talk about The Money Situation and the every thrilling discussion on Where Does It All Go. This will only help put things in perspective.
What is wrong with the brick up front?
You Must understand that I am asking this out of mere curiosity as my FIL is a retired brick mason and Mr. Ujest is a builder, amongst other things. I never thought as a young gel that one day I would actually be interested in bricks or be able to pick out a bad brick job from a huge brick wall, but there it is.
The word ‘commendable’ has appeared three times in this post.
When you finish this Where Does It All Goes? Discussion, feel free to mosey over to the Ujest house to discussion it with us, as it seems to go straight down the toilet every week.
That was harsh, Lobsang but I’ll let you off cos you were drunk.
It makes me kinda sad to think that a lot of people really think of all teenagers in this way, I know quite a few of them who are genuinely nice people and wouldn’t dream of being such bastards to their loving parents (although I do realise that lots of them are). Not all of us are evil, you know.
That’s not the problem.
The problem is that he is approaching the condition of the house as though:
a. I have unlimited funds with which to work;
b. He has the authority to make the decisions about expensive repairs.
I expect him to be concerned. I expect him to help out, as I expect all of the kids to help out. But we aren’t talking about mopping the kitchen floor here. We’re talking about a 16 year old boy who tells me that I must pay for a new roof (or a new trombone, or new brick), when I’m barely keeping it together enough to FEED him.
To repeat from my earlier post:
“He’s a good kid, quite capable, fairly responsible, and has a basement full of tools, so some of his ideas about work around the house are quite do-able. My basic rule is, if you can do it with what we have on hand, go for it. And he does.”
Shirley,
The brick. Aaah, the brick.
It’s this lovely stuff that has cement squished out between the layers. I love it. Unfortunately, it appears that they didn’t attach the front brick (it goes half-way up the wall) to the actual wall beneath it. So the whooooole thing is starting to pull away from the wall, and eventually it is just going to fall right over into my hosta beds. This is happening on both sides of the front door.
If your brick-knowledgeable menfolk have any advise, please let me know. I’d hate for it to all end up in the mud, but I’m at a loss here.
I’ll keep my eyes open for some DIY books. He’s pretty good already, because his dad does a lot of carpentry/building stuff, but it would be nice to have a good resource at hand.
We had our meeting, set up some no-cost projects for the house and the screened porch, and discussed the whole budget issue a bit. These boys decidedly do NOT want to talk about money. I think it makes it all a little too real to be confronted with the fact that when Mom says she doesn’t have the money, she literally doesn’t have the money.
Anyway, things seem to be on a more even keel. He’s decided to start saving some of his allowance for a new horn.
Oh I didn’t mean it as serious as it may have sounded. I am talking about the moodiness and ‘independence’ of the vast majority of teenagers. The ‘kevin and perry’ effect (UK dopers. I can’t think of an American equivalent right now) you know - “I’m not a kid any more!” and “Please don’t pick me up from the party” (you’ll embarras me) and “I’ll decorate my room the way I [insert mildly offensive swear word here] like it thankyou!”
Alright Lobsang, I can see your point and to a certain extent i agree, people like that piss me off. But my point is that I’ve never met anybody like that (I’m not denying their existance) and i don’t like it when people dismiss you because they asume that you’re gonna be a wanker just because of your age. There aren’t many teenagers on tv who aren’t portrayed like this and my own mother accuses me of being a bad teenager but then i remind her that my bad moods are quite justified and she gets much angrier than i do.
I’ve never yelled at my parents cos they’re treating me like a kid (although they can be so bloody patronising when they feel like it - “when you’re a big girl…” etc) and i never get embarassed when they pick me up from places, even in the old Morris Minor. I love that car. Like i say, most people i know who are my age wouldn’t do these things either. Lots of us are decent people.
Sorry if i sounded snappy, by the way. Must be the hormones.
(sorry for the hijak but it really pisses me off when every single bad mood is blamed on hormones. Obviously there is no other reason why I’d ever be upset because after all, I’m not really human, am i.)
