As a parallel to the “Have you ever regretted being an attractive woman?” thread, if you self-identify as an “unattractive” person, do you feel like that’s had a profound influence on your life? More so than, for example, your intelligence, how hard you work, your family background, your wealth, etc.?
As a straight male, for example, I’m sort of run of the mill in attractiveness – overweight now, but by own my choosing. However, I don’t really “regret” this. It’s impacted my dating life, certainly, but as far as I can tell it has never held me back in any other aspect of life. If I could go back thirty years and redesign myself, I’d leave the unattractiveness alone (maybe even take a few additional points off) and spend them in hard-workingness, which has had a far more severe impact on my life.
Do you often look in the mirror and think “I wish I were sexier”?
I don’t regret it because I couldn’t exactly do anything about being the ugly friend. I regret what I tried to do in order to be as appealing as my friends. I regret the time wasted trying to achieve straight hair with flybacks when I have kinky curls. I regret not taking better care of my body, instead starving myself to try to lose weight because I was the fat one (I wasn’t fat. I was just bigger than my friends.) I regret holding myself back because I thought I was too ugly for this or that. I have felt ashamed of my appearance as far back as I can remember and I think it has a lot to do with my agoraphobia now. Just today I was at the grocery store and some teen boys were snickering and looking at me. I know they were likely not even laughing about me (they likely looked right past me instead) but I was so overwhelmed with panic and shame I had to leave my basket right there and I was crying before I even got to the car. It’s an irrational reaction I know. I can’t make it stop though, and I regret not getting a better grip on my mental health when I was younger. Unfortunately not only was I taught I was ugly, I was also taught that mental illness is a weakness, not a health issue so I didn’t pursue treatment until a few years ago.
So I’d have to say I have some regrets, but they’re not based on being unattractive so much as feeling like I was worth less because of it.
That’s an interesting way to look at it. You’ve managed to separate unattractiveness from self-worth? If you were to raise a somewhat unattractive child, say, would you focus on trying to improve his/her physical appearance or his/her self-image despite the appearance?
I posted in the other thread and now I’m about to post in this one. I’m so full of contradictions.
I regret not caring more about my appearance when I was younger. Part of my “indifference” came from not wanting to attract positive attention. But that was a small reason. Really it’s because I didn’t know what to do with myself. Putting together a “look” was like calculus for someone who can’t count past ten. I just couldn’t figure it out. My hair was always a hot mess. I couldn’t put on lipstick without it being crooked. I was almost 30 when I learned how to smile rather than grimace in photos. Over the years I had lots of well-intentioned people (women) try to help me along, but it’s only recently that I’ve started to feel like their wisdom has sunk in.
When I look at pictures of myself from “back in the day”, I felt a bit of sadness that they are so god-awful cringeworthy.
Point 1. I have occasionally wondered what it might be like to be one of those guys who are so attractive they can have their pick of anyone they want. The envy doesn’t last long, however, because I don’t want to be a person after whom people chase just because of my looks and I don’t want to be a person who is constantly afraid that is what is happening. Most of the time I am comfortable in my own skin.
Point 2. By the time one hits 40 or 45, one’s face has matured generally to match ones personality and character. If you are a sour person you have a sour face; if you are a genial and welcoming person you have a genial and welcoming face (barring injuries and stuff like that). I (like to) think that my face shows the world who I am - when I’m cranky people avoid me, when I’m happy people smile at me. That’s better than being superficially attractive.
Point 3 (which is, incidentally, the previous two points put together). I am neither rich nor handsome, so I have the comfort of believing that anyone attracted to me is so because they like the actual me, and not the superficial traits that I might bring with me. People who are not attracted to me - well, that’s their loss.
To answer Reply’s last question, if I had any children I would emphasize teaching them good values which would allow them to look beyond someones appearance, status and wealth, and teach them to see and respond to the reality behind the show.
By the way, nothing I’ve said here should be taken to be an implication that attractive people are not as good inside as unattractive people, or vice versa, because obviously that is not the case.
I have always wishe that just once in my life, I could know what it’s like to be pretty. To have men take a second look at me. I have never known that. I was a homely child, a homely teenager, a homely adult. It won’t be changing.
Sure.
I can think of a few reasons: Maybe I wouldn’t be highly suspicious of anyone who likes me, grow to resent them, and eventually push them away.
Maybe I wouldn’t be so jealous and hate attractive people and assume they are all vacuous shitbags.
But I’d probably be just as miserable either way. So maybe not.
I have never regretted being an unattractive male. Not having to worry about others finding me attractive has provided many benefits: I don’t have to shower, I don’t have to wear deodorant, and I have never had the softening touch of a woman destroy my plans to secretly take over the world.
I’d think becoming unattractive when you were once attractive would lend itself feeling more regret than being plain might.
I’ve wondered many times about the hardened drug addicts who come into the jail where I work. Their transformations are quite horrifying, but I suppose appearances might be the least of their worries.
If I could have changed my social awkwardness over developing early I would. I wore baggy clothes and carried my book bag in front thinking it’d hide it. Mainly I’ve developed bad posture over my issues with having a big chest growing up.
Or having psoriasis. That has been a major source of shame for me. I wouldn’t say I can regret that one in the same way as my posture. But yes definitely I always felt unattractive.
thread this thread was based on was gender specific. Like quantities, please.
I am Specific and Unique. I know that as do others. Not a pretty-boy, but what I bring to the table is a full meal, if different fare. What can I do? What I can’t is shorter. And if you can only live your life in the power - superior finger pointing mode, you have Way too many issues to appreciate me.
Somewhere tonight, there’s a wood fire burning with a glass of cognac in front of it. And me. No one said you had to be here too.
My reaction is similar to Rushgeekgirl’s. I somewhat regret that I am the ugly, fat child in life, the world recoiling from me, but with therapy and treatment I’ve accepted that’s a ridiculous way to feel. Yes, I have separated my self-worth from my appearance. My appearance is neither good nor bad. It is what it is. Interestingly, I’ve never felt it impacted my dating life. Or my ability to be sexually harassed by creepsters. Despite my perception of myself, I get along just fine in the world. So, I changed my perception.
Ironically? I care a lot more about how I look and my clothes and my hygiene now. But it’s for me, not other people. I’m starting to enjoy myself.
I don’t know that I’ve regretted it exactly, but I have thought it wasn’t fair. Being attractive is, for a woman, a huge asset. OTOH, if I were more attractive, I probably would have married younger, and become the high school English teacher I set out to be. Lacking that, I went off to graduate school and have a career I love. I lived all over the US, travelled abroad, and did all kinds of things I probably wouldn’t have done. So, yes, I think it had a huge influence on my life. It just isn’t clear how much of that has been good, and how much bad. It’s a mixed bag, and I don’t know what the mix really is.
On the question of fairness, I finally came to the realization that while I got cheated in attractiveness, I got blessed in other ways, most notably being intelligent. I didn’t do anything to deserve that any more than pretty women did to deserve their looks.
It takes effort to look attractive. A person who doesn’t care about their body, hygiene, or grooming will probably not be attractive. And while clothes don’t make the man, they can really help him or her offset any flaws. A little make-up and jewelry can also give an otherwise plain person “pizazz”.
My point is, even with effort, some people just aren’t attractive, superficially. Sure, someone, somewhere might find them attractive but if you want to say that is what makes someone “attractive”, then you’d have to say there are no unattractive people anywhere. Which would make this thread unanswerable.
IMHO, most people can be attractive by doing a little this and a little of that. Few people are born attractive and few people are hideously ugly.
Yes, being “attractive” means meeting a certain standard. But seeing as how most adults in the world are actively involved in a mutual sexual/romantic relationship, I wouldn’t say that “attractive” is necessarily a high standard to meet. For a lot of Western guys, a woman is “hot” if she has long blonde hair, a full-set of non-yellow teeth, nice boobs, and isn’t grossly overweight. It’s not like one can’t acquire these things through some effort.
That has been a major source of shame for me. I wouldn’t say I can regret that one in the same way as my posture. But yes definitely I always felt unattractive.