I had and have a few apologies to make. I waited until I achieved at least a years sobriety and was working a program with a sponsor. I apologized to my Mother first off. After thirty years of drinking and putting her through hell worrying about me. All she said was, “I have no grudge against you son”. She has said she has really noticed a change in me for the better.
I recently sent a letter to the mother of my Son. Our son has been living with me for ten years now. She’s in an Oklahoma prison doing time for meth possession for the second time. The letter was just a matter of fact recoup of what’s been going on. I will explore an apology with her if she writes back. I’ll always have feelings for her as the mother of my son. My son doesn’t understand it. I was an angry hurtful man when we were together. I hope we can clear things up.
I dumped my best friend of many years for basically being a really shitty friend. Very self-absorbed, obviously totally disinterested in what was going on in my life, only wanted to talk about her own issues. She’s a psychologist and diagnosed herself as being a narcissist and would use that as justification for all of her behavior.
Anyway.
Several years after not speaking, she called me up because something rather big was going on in my life and she’d heard about it through the grapevine. No acknowledgement of the fact that we hadn’t spoken in years, no “hey, I’m sorry I was such a jerk, I was going through a rough patch” or whatever.
I hung up on her. We haven’t spoken since. (This was in 2006.)
When I was 10 my dad remarried and didn’t invite me to his wedding, or even tell me he was getting married. Basically, my brother (10 years older) and he agreed that I might be really pissed off at him for remarrying. I lived with my mother after my parents separated (when I was 6) and divorced (when I was 9) so it’s not as though some woman was just going to appear in our house; I spent about two months out of the year staying with Dad, basically when I was on school holidays.
I let it smolder for about 5 years, and then one day I said, more or less out of the blue, “why the hell didn’t you invite me to your wedding?” He explained, and my brother later confirmed, and all was forgiven (I had basically assumed that he and/or my stepmother didn’t want a kid at the wedding).
Then the next year my mother ( a wonderful parent, for the record) did exactly the same thing, though for drastically different (and somewhat valid) reasons.
It was a while after that before I trusted either of them again.
I was mean to a classmate in the second grade. I forget the details, but I vaguely remember whispering about her and screaming whenever she entered the bathroom (there were a group of us in there at the time). I definitely alienated her, for no good reason, nor explanation - I had a good home life, was smart and attractive. I skipped the third grade, so we were out of contact for awhile.
Years later in high school, I apologized when we crossed paths in a class. Said I honestly had no idea why I’d done what I’d done, that I hoped she hadn’t suffered much, also hoped that we could be friends. She laughed and chalked it up to childishness, but I could tell it helped her, not for herself, but to know that people are good deep down. We were never close, but definitely cordial and would work on the occasional group project together, IIRC.
Have you made an amends to your son? He may not understand the process and how it is like poison for us to carry resentments. Is he mad at his Mom? I will never forget how I felt when my Mother forgave me. I put her through a lot when I was young.
When I was a kid I shoplifted from the local department store several times. Many years later I sent more than enough cash to make up for my thefts, along with an unsigned note explaining what it was for.
Adam Carolla has complained about getting calls out the blue from people he hasn’t heard from in years, because they’re now in recovery and wanting to apologize for some offense from way back when. “I’d long since forgotten what they did to me, and now they’re bringing it back up to the surface. They feel good for apologizing, and I feel like crap.”
He’s a comedian, of course, so take it with a grain of salt.
I have, a couple of times, all when I was young and thought that my feeling guilty merited bringing up (possibly) unpleasant memories for other people.
Broke up with a girlfriend badly in 1983. Sent her a letter in 1987 to apologize, tell her I was a much better person, and was living a happier life. I still think what a “Well, bully for you” moment that must have been for her, if she even got the letter.
Said something extremely hurtful about a good friend in middle school, ca. 1981. Lied to him when he confronted me about it after having gotten the word through the grapevine. Apologized for both ca. 1986.
Several people have already mentioned making amends as part of a 12 step program. When I was going through the same thing, I told my sponsor about an ex-girlfriend I wanted to apologize to. He thought about it for a minute, and said one of the wisest things I had heard up until that time: “Sometimes the best way to make amends to someone is to leave them alone.”
That’s probably one of the reasons that AA says to make amends “except when to do so one harm them or others.”
My first real relationship after high school lasted about 2 years, and I broke up with her in a totally chickenshit way. After some time had passed, I felt bad about it, but never gave the matter much thought - for the past 19 years. My drinking was an issue during the latter part of our relationship, but I didn’t become over-the-top-drunk-all-the-time until after we’d broken up. I sobered up almost five years ago.
I recently told the whole story to someone, and now it’s on my mind again. I’m finding myself wanting to get in touch with her again, only so I can apologize. I’m not going to act on it, though if she ever shows up on Facebook I might write her.
Anyone care for a story from someone who received an unexpected apology?
In high school, I knew this guy named John. He always treated me like shit. Teased me, told me how stupid I looked, told me I was an idiot, and loudly told all his friends the same thing. It didn’t help that our names were next to each other in the alphabet, so teachers often sat us next to each other in the seating charts. I dreaded the classes I shared with him.
We graduate. One of things I looked forward to most was not having to look at him ever again.
Fast forward to Valentine’s Day, 2007. I received a Valentine in the mail, from John. In it was a hand-written note, saying how truly sorry he was. He said he’d had a thing for me the whole time, but was too immature to deal with it, so he had teased me instead. He said he still felt really guilty.
I was intrigued. I hopped on Facebook, did a little finagling, and found his phone number. I called him up, we had a remarkably pleasant chat, and well, now he’s my friend. Whenever he’s in town, we go out for a drink and a game of pool.
Many times and most of them have turned out really well. The one that is funniest to me is the one that I never went through with.
In high school I was kind of a dick to this girl who had a huge crush on me. She was really smart and was pretty funny and we got along fine but she just wasn’t attractive at all. I would mostly ignore her around my friends or make fun of her behind her back.
Back then I was about an 8 and she was about a 2 so obviously I was way too good for her.
27 years later:
Last year I was on this kick for a while looking for old high school friends on Facebook when I decided to look for her.
I found her. She is a lawyer in a law firm that I have heard of around town. I don’t know if she’s had cosmetic surgery or just grew out of the uglies but damn, I would hit that.
I haven’t got the balls to contact her and for her to possibly reply back…who the hell are you?
I am still debating whether I should do that…10 years ago I met this guy at university. I liked him a lot but there was a 6 year age difference between us so he kinda brushed me off, anyway we ended up becoming best friends and a year later I find out from someone he liked me. I felt weird because I had been trying to convince myself that he only saw me as a kid sister and then i find out that everything we had been doing was somehow not as innocent as i thought it was. I have to add I was a real innocent (never been kissed, went to an all girls school, grew up extremely sheltered, etc). I had a hard time interacting with him when I found that out. Anyway one day we’re chatting online and he ends up saying some things that really hurt me (things alluding to my being sexually repressed, etc etc). I didn’t speak to him for 9 years after that. Then I went through counseling (family issues) and this issue just kind of cropped up. I realized I had acted like an immature idiot (i should have just talked it out with him) and I really wanted to apologize. I got the chance to do that when I went back to the states (i live in another country) and met up with him but I was too chicken to say anything–we had a nice dinner and were reminiscing and talking like nothing had ever happened). 2 weeks later I managed to go back (for one night only) and we were supposed to meet up but he never texted back or called. 4 days later he sends me an email apologizing, that he had totally forgot and what an idiot he is but that i should keep in touch. it wasn’t really an “i’m sorry” email, it had a lot of jokes about how much he owed me for that etc etc. i just didn’t feel it was sincere at all. now i’m back in my own country and its still bothering me that i didn’t get to apologize to him. but i’m afraid to–i’m afraid that what was such a huge and important thing in my life means absolutely nothing to him and that he will just ignore my apology. and worse what if through my apology email he realizes i still have feelings for him? it feels crazy that i feel this way after 10 years. i’m just really confused about what to do.
Zara, I would suggest starting your own thread about this problem, it would lead to much better advice. If you do it in a thread like this then it might get ignored by people focusing on the OP.
As for your problem, I would send the email. Guys have insecurities too. He might be taking the nine years you ignored him as a sign that you don’t like him. If you don’t let him know that you do like him then it’s possible he won’t make a move.
I would let the guy decide whether he wants to date you or not. Don’t make the decision for him by never contacting him again.
In it was a hand-written note, saying how truly sorry he was. He said he’d had a thing for me the whole time, but was too immature to deal with it, so he had teased me instead. He said he still felt really guilty.