When I was in high school, I hung out with a crowd that on the one hand was considered kind of uncool, but on the other hand, were known for being able to get things for a price. We never dealt in drugs or guns, but everything else was fair game. The main source of our supply was one guy’s older brother who often went to Mexico to party and was old enough to buy liquor and porn for us. Hence, if you wanted a switchblade, or porn, or beer/liquor, we could supply you. This was the mid-1980s by the way, so these things were hard to come by at the time.
Along comes Andrew; an otherwise good kid who thought that what we were doing was wrong. So he reports the one guy and his locker gets searched, which at the time had booze and weapons in it, getting him expelled. That broke up the group, at which point, all we were was uncool, and now had a lot less spending money. So naturally we wanted revenge. Andrew had hundreds of magazines sent to him using the ‘bill me later’ feature on business reply cards at the time. His mailbox was blown up, and in a move taken straight out of Roman history, the lawn at his house was destroyed with a giant bag of salt used to spell the word ‘FAG’ in ten foot high letters. Andrew never even realized who it was who did these things to him, though he must have suspected us and we were never caught.
At the 20 year high school reunion, he was sitting alone at a table so my wife and I sat with him. I don’t remember if I apologized to him or not (my wife can’t remember either), but I could tell he appreciated the company. He was having some major health problems and I could tell he needed someone to talk to, so we hung out and chatted the whole time. He was a nice guy and really, I was a dick to him simply because he did the right thing.
Several people have already mentioned making amends as part of a 12 step program. When I was going through the same thing, I told my sponsor about an ex-girlfriend I wanted to apologize to. He thought about it for a minute, and said one of the wisest things I had heard up until that time: “Sometimes the best way to make amends to someone is to leave them alone.”
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Wise words. IMHO, an awful lot of apologies years later are done for the selfish reason of making the aplogizer feel better, with no thought of what would be appropriate to the person actually wronged.
I have made many amends over the years (lots of wreckage in my past). In every single case, it went better than I expected it to.
But it was always for me, not the other person. They sure as hell weren’t losing sleep over my bad behavior, but I was. I couldn’t live with myself until I made things right. In some cases, I was making amends to family member of people who had already passed away. It didn’t matter what they thought about it, or whether they even thought I owed them an amends at all. And only my side of the street mattered- it was me taking full responsibility for my part, with no thought whatsoever of the other persons actions (if any).
Taking responsibility for ones own actions is extremely important IMHO, and a fading belief I’m afraid.
I’m not one to hold grudges very long. A day is long for me. I don’t really care if you apologize for something you did years ago, 'cause I’ve long since gotten over it.
Unless you can somehow make actual amends, like give me money I gave you or something, then the apology is to me, just words. Words are cheap and making amends makes you feel good fine, but I can feel good for me. I learned that lesson long ago, I don’t let others dictate my happiness.
Email is a wonderful thing, orFacebook, or whatever. Something written, one-way and inclusive, yet to the point and complete, without a need for a response, well…that can’t really go wrong. It might open up an old wound, but if it’s so easily disturbed then an apology might help heal it for good.
I’ve had, and given, apologies from folks long after the fact, and it helps. It helps a lot.
Heh. I dated this guy in college, and he unceremoniously dumped me. Years go by, he contacts me, comes to NYC to visit–and inadvertently lets it slip that he’d been sleeping with his roommate the entire time we were dating. WTF?
So I get all mad at him again, tell him to fuck off. Years go by, he gets in touch with me again. By this time he’s all out of secrets and I no longer see him as anything but a crappy boyfriend but a decent enough friend.
Then he gets married, and only wants to talk about his great love for his wife. Sooo I finally broke off contact for good. Yeesh.
At a family reunion many years ago, an old man approached my (then) 75 yr old grandpa. He tried to say something and then broke down and began crying. Turns out that he had stolen my grandpa’s produce money a zillion years ago when they were returning from selling crops in town in their horse drawn wagon. This caused some hardship for the family, and grandpa believed he had lost it (never suspected his friend). Apparently the guilt was consuming him, and he tracked the family down so he could try and repay the debt (with interest). Grandpa immediately forgave him and welcomed him to the family celebration.
When I was 17, I broke up with my boyfriend–he had brought up the M-word and completely freaked me out. Being 17, I didn’t really have a clue about how to do it and I probably could have done it better, and I felt bad about it once some time had gone by. At some point in college, I visited my best friend and stayed with her on campus (she was an RA), which happened to be at the same college he went to. I didn’t expect to run into him, but I entered some huge building full of people and our eyes met across the room–it was pretty funny really. So he asked me out for breakfast and we were talking and I apologized for how I’d treated him. That ended up pretty amicable, and I was glad to get the chance to say I was sorry.
At my 10th HS reunion, a guy who had made my life hell when we were 13 apologized. I really appreciated it; for one thing, when he did, I realized that I had completely gotten over it long ago and really didn’t care. So that was quite nice.
I didn’t pay attention while I was driving and killed a cat. I’ve been doing cat rescue and tends to focus more on ferals than foofy kittens. Its been over 10 years and I still remember killing that poor thing.
I was on the other end of it once. I got dumped by a long term live in partner in a really horrible way. As hurtful as the breakup was I still campaigned (unsuccessfully) for a reunion but finally had to admit defeat and move on with my life.
Two years later I got a phone call out of the blue and an invitation to meet for drinks and catch up. Over drinks the wanker tells me that breaking up was a big mistake and asks if we could try again…this was three weeks before my wedding to someone else.
To this day the whole event feels hurtful and confusing. I’d feel better now if I’d been left alone then.
I was the typical self-absorbed teenaged twat who caused my parents no end of grief during my adolescence in the 70’s. Many people have that same story, but maybe not with the three separate elder siblings who were simulataneously a) getting involved with the Unification Church (i.e. cult), b) developing massive substance issues, attempting suicide, being repeatedly arrested and eventually institutionalized, and c) showing signs of significant developmental delays. All this while my parents were divorcing and my mom was acknowledging her relationship with another woman (who turned out to be her wonderful, steadfast parter of 34 years).
I was a massive douche, and I contributed nothing but heartache.
Fortunately, there was time for me to get a lot of therapy, get my head on straight and let my parents know that I never meant to add to their hell, and tell them I was so sorry for my behavior. I am lucky I’ve had 16 years to help my mom & her partner with loads of driving, doctor visits, cooking, various entertainments and any help I could provide. They’re both gone now, within the last 10 months.
I still spend a lot of time with my dad doing all of the above, and as much social stuff as I can with him.
They (all three) let me know how much they love me and depend on me, and that all was forgiven, I’m so grateful to have had the time to show my gratitude and help them out.
