I think kids are ridiculously expensive. But if you love children and you want children than you pay for it.
Does anyone enjoy those tough years when we only get a few minutes of free time every day? I can honestly say I have been both happier and less happy than those without children. At 3:00 am, driving around town looking for an open drugstore with a crying child in he back = less happy than most childless folks. Other times I happily pat myself on the back for having raised such wonderful kids. The childless will probably never understand satisfaction that comes from this extremely difficult job I tell myself. Then the phone rings and somebody needs money, or a good lawyer, and I’m not so happy again.
Why, my wife and I had this very conversation last week. I LIKE getting into an unmade bed yet I’ve spent 30 years getting into a made bed every single night because that is how she likes it. It’s like sliding into a boa constrictor every night. That’s OK, I’m in love and willing to compromise, but asking me to make the bed from how I like it to how she likes it is just silly.
Would any woman like it if the husband always decided what jobs needed to be done and then handed out those tasks like their spouse was a servant?
Having children are one of the top “wagers” you place in life. You risk things going wrong in so many wrenching ways for access to a unique set of experiences and emotions.
I have two teenagers and am gobsmacked to report we are the best of friends within clear dad/kid roles. We were watching Capt Am: First Avenger for the umpteenth time and doing some online trivia game and killing. I felt so…appreciatively fulfilled (?) I got a little verklempt ;). Doesn’t happen often, and at risk on many fronts, but nothing like it.
I would mention that it’s not because you’re childless that you will necessarily focus only on your career. And I suspect it’s the “focus on career” thing that make this profile unhappy.
NOT ONCE has a divorced woman told me that single parenting is harder. NEVER. 100% of them have said that raising children is much, much easier with no husband.
Plus, the extended family you speak of generally have lives of their own.
I was unaware that I had the option not to pay for my kids. :smack:
Please elucidate.
Definitely. We enjoyed raising our kids, but we also enjoyed them going off to be independent. I don’t understand the supposed pain of being an empty nester. Especially now that you can be more connected, if you wish to, than I could be when I left home.
That sounds like such an unpleasant uncompromising marriage. Who would want to live a household like that? Do both partners have to go to the grocery store to buy their own food, because if having cheese in the house is important to the husband than HE can buy it? Maybe they could divide the bedroom in half along an imaginary line and the wife could only clean her half?
It all sounds very childish and petulant. You might as well divorce your wife and move in with a couple sophomores from the local college.
My kid’s grandparents were never born? That sounds like one of those time-travel paradoxes! Is this a heads-up that this timeline is about to go POOF? Is there a way to sidestep into the universe next door? Inquiring minds want to know!
For me, it’s silly to compare myself and my happiness with that of childless couples. Different things make different people happy.
All I can really compare myself and my happiness to is with myself back when my wife and I wanted children but didn’t have any. Yeah, having a kid is a full-time job with no vacations, but I really, really wanted to be a daddy.
And now that I am, the worst day of being a parent, when my son comes back from school with notes from his teacher telling me that he was disruptive during the fire drill and had to be sent to the principal’s office, and another report from the bus driver that he’s gonna get kicked off the bus if he doesn’t learn to stay in his seat, and he won’t sit still long enough to do his homework - yeah, that day is better than not being a parent. (I realize there are possible worst days that will make a day like that seem like nothing, but as long as he’s alive and healthy and hasn’t done anything that should by rights land him in jail, I expect that to continue to be true.)
But that’s me. I really, really wanted this. I have a number of friends, including my younger sister, who are childless by choice, and that’s what makes them happy. Being a parent IS a shitload of work, and if it’s not the right work for you, if it isn’t your heart’s desire, then you’re better off not being a parent, because you will resent the burden, and you will resent the child on account of it. Bad for you, bad for the child.
Also, the definition of work or chore is unclear when dealing with kids. Changing diapers, okay. But giving my daughters a bottle, even at 3am, in not what I consider work. And reading or singing to or tell stories to my kids was really not work. Beats the hell out of watching TV, and is just as relaxing as reading to myself.
The thing is, the chore situation changes drastically once you have kids, at least that’s what we found. That’s because there are so many things that simply have to be done, no matter what. The child must be fed every day. The child must be changed every day. The child must be put to bed every day. Etc. Those chores cannot be put off.
Quite true. And I did about two hundred 2 AM feedings before my son started eating solid foods, and I probably changed nearly three thousand diapers in my day.
(This is where I can almost hear Chris Rock yell, “So, whaddya want, a cookie? You’re his FATHER! You’re SUPPOSED to do that.”)
None of that changes my basic question: why do we assume the man needs toi start doing way more housework? WHy can’t the answer be for to woman to slack off a little?
I have to admit. This sounded reasonable the first time I read it since no one would ever confuse me with Martha Stewart.
But upon further thought, it also sounds like an excuse to be lazy and hands-off as a parent.
“I don’t care about eating fruits and vegetables! If you want to eat them, fine. But don’t expect me to chop them up for you. And don’t expect me to make the kids eat them either.”
“If you don’t want to let the baby cry it out, YOU pick her up. Don’t expect me to do it, because I don’t care.”
“I don’t mind if we have rats and mice in the house. If they freak you out, YOU set the traps. I’ll be over here playing video games, ignoring both the crying baby and my vegetables.”
Most women don’t want a Martha Stewart house either. But making the bed every morning is not “Martha Stewart”.
Maybe I’m confused. Childcare is housework. It’s stuff that has to be done to keep the household running. We did slack off a LOT in doing things like making the beds, but that was more than compensated by the amount of effort we put into taking care of the baby. And in households where the woman is doing most of the childcare, she could be justiffied is saying that the man should be doing some more of it, e.g. by changing diapers.
I think most couples sort of evolve a chore triage system, where there are must-do chores, like cleaning up barf, or doing emergency laundry, or making sure the kids have clean clothing, and there are non-essential tasks of varying sorts, like cleaning the windows, or making the bed, or dusting the shelves, etc…
The friction (in my experience) comes in when one spouse starts directing the other to start doing non-essential chores as part of their half of the housework, while the other spouse is thinking that their half consists of half of the essential stuff.
I mean, I can see why someone who works all day and comes home and is willing to do their half of the essential housework might balk at being ordered to do things they consider non-essential by their spouse.
It is very hard to describe how wonderful it can be to create *your own *people and have them turn out so well. I have been very lucky that all my work and effort ended up with fine adults.
Sometimes that doesn’t happen and I sympathize with parents who have tried so hard only to end up with children that are continual sources of issues, it happens. You could be setting yourself up for the most rewarding experience of your life, or the largest headache that wont go away.
Wager is a very appropriate term. You are gambling. But you are living in a world full of people that others have created, yours could be better. Lay down your money and take a spin of the wheel.
And? This sounds like all the smug, condescending "You’ll change your mind"s that are hurled at us childfree folks.
No, I’m referring to aunts, uncles, cousins, and such.
Every situation is different, so it’s hard to make a blanket generalization either way.
But you do make a good basic point. People need to be on the same page when it comes to hygiene and clutter, or at least be willing to meet each other half way. If you’re a neat freak in a relationship with a slob, it’s unrealistic to expect them to rise to your standards as soon as you get married and have kids. If you’re a slob in a relationship with a neat freak, its unrealistic to expect them not to be bothered by your sloppiness and resent you.
I’m in the middle between neat and slob, but I’m more sympathetic with the neat freak on this. Why? A clean house benefits everyone. Having all the dishes washed and put away means food can be cooked and eaten without delay or complication. Having stuff put in its place means unexpected guests can come by and not deal with seeing your dirty socks on the floor. Who benefits from a dirty house? Only the person who isn’t bothered by junk and disorder, and even then, they aren’t really benefited in a real sense. They just are saved the trouble of working.