I don’t think there was any call for that. You’ve displayed an inability to think clearly under pressure and I didn’t get nasty about it.
Just because your daughter OK’d the email didn’t make sending it a good call. It could have pissed him off and put her in greater danger. I know you know that. But you still don’t have to be snotty to me because I forgot about one line in your post.
Well, hey, I guess I’ll happily go through my life never being “fully realized” or whatever. Like I said-- it’s a cultural thing that’s not mine, and I don’t get. I knew what you meant the first time, and your additional post has only reinforced the fact that I disagree with you.
There are battles to learn on and there are battles that require help. Yeah, so my family (and, for that matter, my intimate friend group) are all interdependent on one another. So what? There is always strength in numbers, and I’ve never seen the virtue in going it alone. Some people seem to find moral value in it, but for those of us who don’t, then, it only looks cruel.
I do not want my father to go out and beat someone up in revenge. It’s obvious that he would get between me an imminent danger. But in the middle, there’s a space where I want to make sure that my hypothetical abusive ex KNOWS that if he does not heed my request that he get out of my life there’s a long line of people waiting to kick his ass to sunday. I don’t want them to ever do it (and end up in jail). But I so want him to think they would.
Ok, so I got excessively shitty, sorry. No offense meant. I had just walked back in from sitting with her again on this and was feeling inflammatory. Just because I disagree with you is no cause to flame like that.
BUT, you have been in this thread offering your opinion, and the fact that you misread (or forgot) one of the very first facts offered needed to be pointed out IMHO.
Nothing to say except kudos and best of luck to you, Mr Bus Guy. Here’s hoping the guy (the ex-BF, I mean) gets a sweet, highly physical boyfriend of his own in prison.
Bus Guy Me to you…
Your reactions to this malcontented little prick were dead on. Your methodology was found wanting.
A quiet whisper into his ear in a public place where there are no witnesses (or none that care) will do more to quell his need to harangue your daughter than an hour of raving on the front lawn, or by e-mail.
The dramatic license you took with the e-mail will embolden the little bastard with the “if I ever see that fuckin’ guy” hard-ball mentality. And while he may not be able to pour piss out of a boot with directions on the bottom, he’ll THINK he can go about kicking your ass, and just may cause you some trouble.
My advice, buy the little fuck a drink somewhere that you “run into him” and quietly whisper your violent intent into his ear. When the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, pat him twice, really hard, on the back, and tell him, in a voice loud enough for others to hear, “have a good day kid”, and walk away.
Of the 6 or so "chats’’ like this one I’ve had to have, the recividism rate is a blessed zilch.
See…THAT is what I wanted to do in the first place. The kid talked me into just shooting off a note.
:smack:
Wow…
I have to admit, Mr. Bus Guy, that when reading your OP I was mad, but I didn’t think I would have reacted with an e-mail like that. After reading your detailed description of the second incident, I got a little worried because my first thought was, “That guy would already be in the hospital.”
I have zero tolerance for abuse. It makes me ANGRY to hear about it happening to someone else because my wife was abused (I don’t mean spanked every now and then, I mean punched in the head multiple times a week) from birth until she was 16 by her father. She has a lot of issues that she still struggles with because of that man. She has forgiven him now, but it takes a lot for me to be in the same room with him.
We don’t have children yet, but if this sort of thing ever happens to my daughter I pray that I will have as much restraint as you did.
Kudos to you for being an excellent parent.
–FCOD
I know different strokes for different folks, and learning to grow and take care of onesself, and handling situations on ones own, and not returning violence with the threat of violence. We each come from different value systems, and what’s right for one family may not work for another. The only disconnect would be a difference in expectation between what the child wanted/needed/expected and what the parent/family provided.
But, based on my values, I know which type of family I would rather have sitting around my kitchen table. Good luck Mr Bus Guy and I hope that my response in this type of situation would be as supportive of my daughters(although maybe not using that exact method). Cheers.
If, for some of you, family support means that you will threaten and physically hurt other people for them and vice versa, that is fine for you. My family does not work that way, and I’m glad of it. I know my family will always support me. They will not go beat people up for me, however, and I wouldn’t want them to.
That is good for you and I respect the position. I hope you have some tolerance for us less peaceful people.
Of course in my entire adult life I have only thrown a punch once. I am peaceful but don’t mess with my love ones.
Jim
I respect your position featherlou and wish the world was such a place where violence was unnecessary, sadly, it isn’t. Some people, no matter how you try to reason with them, simply need to be reminded of their motivation to sit down, shut up, and keep their hands to themselves.
Um, from the registration agreement, maybe?
“Do not post threats or state or imply that any individual or group is deserving of harm.”
Almost the entire OP was articulating a threat.
Now, if the mods don’t agree, there’s nothing I can say. Their board, their rules, etc. But by my reading of the forum descriptions, this is the right place to comment about it, which is what I did.
Ok, I’ll admit that I almost lost it when I read your elaborated account of the incident.
Still, I respectfully suggest that those advocating explicit threats of violence re-read post 65 by Sam Stone.
XBF is a student and might be a nutter with little to lose. I’d keep the threats strictly legal or deliberately vague at most.
Best wishes,
M4M
My tolerance (or lack of it) has nothing to do with it. The LAW doesn’t tolerate it. The fact that this was not an immediate response to violence against Bus Guy’s daughter seems to escape most of you. This wasn’t Superman sweeping down to protect her while she was being punched. This was a premeditated threat. It’s a completely different situation. If you think Featherlou or me or any of the others on this side of the debate would stand by and watch someone punch out a family member, you’d be wrong.
I haven’t seen that one enforced very often unless it is a threat against another member of the board.
The entire Paragraph is
from http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=347160
So you are correct about the rule existing, have you seen this one enforced?
I haven’t. It would appear the rule is mainly about specific death threats and doing harm to fellow board members.
Additionally, **Mr. Bus Guy ** did not use the board to threaten the ex-Boy Friend but to talk about a situation were he did and he asked to be talked down, as in help me settle down and feel less violent.
I think your point while valid is still only a nitpick and your writing was very dismissive and may have sent a message you did not intend.
I guess apologizing to **Mr. Bus Guy ** is not something you feel you can do.
Kalhoun Technically I asked the question of featherlou but you are correct. I said I understand **Mr. Bus Guy’s ** feelings and I might do the same thing, I didn’t say it was the right thing to do. I asked featherlou to please understand that we all don’t handle our anger as well as she does or I guess you.
I really do understand what you are saying. I am admitting that I might not live up to your standard. Hopefully I will never be in that situation again, but maybe I’ll remember this thread and just start legal procedures immediately. I might not, I have a bad temper at times.
Jim
I completely understand and respect Kalhoun and Featherlou’s positions. I’ve been here long enough and read enough of what they have to say that I’d be a fool to just blow off their opinions completely. If there is some lack of clarity in my e-mail to the idiot, then that’s my fault.
The way I intended the e-mail, and if I re-read it, the way I still interpret it, is not to threaten imminent violence. What the intended message was: "I know you hit my kid, I don’t tolerate that. I know my kid is afraid of you, I hate that, and you for making her feel it. Stay away from her, don’t make her afraid of you anymore, don’t come near her OR, there will be some further contact with me. There may, oh hell, there is an implication that ‘further contact’ would include physical harm. Point it out to me though where I specifically said “I am coming to Cleveland yo cause you the same kind of hurt you put on my daughter.” Maybe that’s a shady legal distinction, but it’s one he’d have to prove, not that I’d have to disprove. In any case, the choice is put back into his hands. Abide by her wishes, and this all goes away, and any implied threats go with it.
M4M, he’s not a student, just FYI. Small distinction, and probably actually even enforces your point.
Kalhoun, I’m going to disagree somewhat with this:
Right now, she’s home, 360 miles from the creep. He knows the way to my house, and where she works. he could show up on my doorstep, or appear behind her on the way to work without notice. I don’t know, do you? He hit her without warning once, twice if you count the first incident. In 27 days, she has to drive back to Cleveland and stay alone, in her single room, on the ground floor of her dorm. As of now, she’s afraid to go back to that situation. To me, as a father, that is an imminent threat, and I’ll take whatever steps she and I agree on to protect her from it. The police are already aware, and have a complaint ready to be signed. The campus police are aware too, and once they have a police report will notify him that he’s not welcome on campus and subject to arrest if he shows up. What is in that first e-mail was a first response, and I don’t want anyone here thinking that my ENTIRE response is to make vague physical threats on the jerkoff. But I am going to do what I can to protect her, call it caveman or what have you (I know you didn’t, so no I’m not meaning to put words in your mouth…), but in the world I live in, if a woman, ANY woman feels threatened by a male, they deserve protection. When it’s my kid? Fuggetaboutit.
Should have added this to my previous post, but FWIW, here’s my response to this:
:wally
From MY reading of forum descriptions, if you feel the need to point out what you think are violations of the rules, then you start another thread to do it. From reading other threads, and posts in them, I’ve seen Mods time after time say that they’d prefer reports of socks, trolls and other violations, to be made via e-mail rather than in the thread where you think the violations occurred.
Does her dorm have some sort of a sign-in system that she can post his name there and keep him from entering the building? Personally, I think she has a better chance of getting run over on the way to class than she does of being assaulted by this guy again, but it would make her feel more safe if he had to sign in to a live body in order to enter the dorm.
I agree about the threat of future harm to her from him - but the 'father" in me wants to err on the side of caution.
No human sign in, but all the doors are locked and they need their ID to swipe and unlock the doors. All the entrances she could use to get in or out are pretty much in the open and well-lit.
I don’t get the feeling that you or featherlou would let someone beat on one of your loved ones in your presence, but the facts of the matter are that the system is not designed to proactively protect citizens. It’s designed to react to a given situation and with punishment, incentivize the remainder of the populace NOT to do whatever it was that got the original offender punished in the first place. It’s imperfect at best, deadly wrong at worst. There are some times when it’s appropriate to step in and protect people you love, despite what the law says. To quote a very wise friend of mine.
“There are times when you do what’s right, and there are times you do what’s legal. Sometimes, those things meet.”