What can I do about this? (Older man hitting on my child!)

This is neither mundane nor pointless and it also is not seeking legal advice. I know that legalities might come into play, but I don’t have enough evidence to report anything just yet, so I’d like to keep this limited in scope to what I should do as a parent. This is going to run very long, so I apologize in advance and thank anyone who makes it through and can offer any advice to help calm me down.

Here is a brief description of events: 5 days ago my 13 year old daughter’s Facebook relationship status changed to “in a relationship with [Predator’s Name]”. This is a person who she has never met, and she starts posting all these pictures of herself half dressed and in “Myspace angles” that make her boobs look huge and make her look a lot older and more sexually active than she is. And this guy, who for ease of conversation we will call Predator posts comments on every one. “Oh Babe! You are so f****ing hot. You are so sexy, I love you so much” etc. and he’s posting all over her wall about how much he loves her (and she responds in kind!) and how she is the best girlfriend ever (they have known each other for less than a week and entirely in FB!).

So important facts to know are (1) daughter deletes all his wall posts as soon as she sees them (to keep me and her father from seeing them) (2) Daughter doesn’t know that I see them in my newsfeed before she does and (3) Daughter is ditzy enough to not put it together that her Dad and I actually pay attention to her FB page- although she has accused us of cyber-stalking her when have left comments on her wall.

Okay, the reason I am so het up is because I checked out this guys profile. He lists his birth date as 1986 and only has one picture up in which he could be any age…very hard to tell. So I figured it was a 13 or 14 year old who changed the date to look older. I still didn’t like what he was saying to my girl or what she was saying back but kids will be kids and I figured there was no real harm…he also claims to live in TX which is far away so I figured at least she is physically safe from him. But I don’t like it and I wanted to know if it was a kid or if it was some 24 year old predator. So today I am checking out his profile and his status update is that he just got out of jail. WTF?? Now I need to know what the hell is going on so I did something I probably shouldn’t have, but don’t regret.

I had my older daughter comment under him on my daughter’s most recent slutty picture specifically stating her age (hoping to warn/run this guy off). So she writes, “Sissy! You look so hot! I can’t believe you are still only 13, you look so much older in this picture.” And what happens next has my head spinning still…

Predator immediately adds my older daughter as a friend. And hits her up in chat. She played along with him for a few minutes and said “who are you? Do you know my sister?” to which he at first didn’t want to answer. He said, “I can’t say anything because you might tell your parents”. Because he is an idiot, he believed her when she said she never talks to us and that it was okay because Sissy has already told her everything about him. “She is so in love with you! She told me how cute you are” etc. Then she says, why don’t you want my parents to know you are dating and he flat out tells her because he is 24 years old. “does Sissy know that?” Yes of course she does. "do you know how old she is? “Yeah I know she is 13 but she is so mature for her age.” (Ugh! If he only knew!) He went on to tell her about how he plans to get a hotel room when we go to Texas in June (our family vacation, but he thinks she is making the trip down solely to see him apparently) and that “Sissy” is going to make an excuse to get away from us and spend the night with him. (OMG would any parent allow that? It’s not like she has friends in Texas she could tell us she is with and she is barely allowed to cross a street by herself, let alone go out for a night on the town all alone in a different state! And she has never even seen this man in person.)

Predator went on to tell my older daughter about how he just got out of jail (was in for 32 days) for making death threats against his own parents. She was of course reading their conversation to me as she went along, and I was running my own searches to verify what he was saying, because I desperately wanted him to be lying and turn out to be some 14 year old boy trying to impress my gullible daughter. But no such luck. I found court records and a previous incarceration that match what he was telling her.(He served time for drug charges too.)

So what the hell do I do now? I am loathe to confront my younger daughter because she is still not that stable (was in the psych hospital until last week) and I don’t want her to block me from her Facebook page (which would get the computer taken away) or to feel like she can’t trust me, because then she will just hide things better and that is not going to improve the situation. But at the same time I do not want a 24 year old ex-convict soliciting her.

I have the whole weekend to stew about it too, which is not helping at all. This is the visitation weekend with her bio-mother (against he therapist’s advice to continue visitation, but still judge’s orders, so we have no choice) and her mother is not going to keep her off the computer or phone and actually encourages precocious sexuality so she would be of no help here.

As I said, I know she is physically safe for now as Predator is states away, but I am so worried about everything else surrounding this. Is there anything I can do to fix it?

I of course have copies of the chat logs between Predator and my older daughter, but all they are doing right now is driving me insane and making me angry.

My only suggestion would be to use your older daughter to goad some sense into Sissey. Which isn’t fair at all, but seemingly the only recourse if you plan to maintain stability, spying, order. I’d monitor it closely, and wouldn’t hesitate to pursue charging him with luring.

Wait, you say you don’t have enough evidence yet, but you have logs of this guy saying that he’s 24, that he knows your daughter is 13, and that he’s planning on meeting her in a hotel room? That’s what we call evidence, all right.

Can you call the cops? Also, I’m sure there are some saved messages you can find that may have incriminating stuff on there.

If you’ve identified the man and know what town he is in you can contact the police there. They may have no legal authority on the matter but they can certainly ask him to stop contact all contact with your daughter.

This bears repeating for emphasis.

Is it though? My first instinct was just that, but he was careful not to say that they were going to have sex or anything explicit. In fact he said he was “getting a hotel room so we can chill all night”. Now we all know what that means, but would it be incriminating? I’m afraid if I jump the gun on this that will just send them both into hiding with it, and then I would not know when things did progress to the dangerous.

I so very want to call the cops, but I don’t want to be over-reactionary (which I tend to be) and we are talking about two different states so who would I call? If that is the best course of action.

please ask your daughter why girls his own age aren’t into him.

Will they do that? Awesome! That might work. I am sure he is still on probation too, so if he did contact her,it could be a violation, right? Now I will have to figure out who to call…just the town police department?

That’s a good one! Unfortunately I was a precocious teen myself (although I didn’t start that young or with that old!) so I already know what her answer would be. I know that the attention of an older man can make a girl feel very special and believe that she is wise beyond her years and so much more mature than other girls…and in short girls can turn that around to make it look flattering to them instead of looking bad for him. A teen-aged mind is sometimes something to be reckoned with.

Relationship requests require approval. You can’t just appear as in a relationship with a person without their consent.

Did your daughter initiate or approve this status request?

Heck, just c all your own local department and ask for advice. Don’t call 911 or anything, but there has got to be either a local businessline or maybe an online hotline with advice…this is the internets. There’s tons of stuff!

I believe it was an approved request. I am not sure exactly how the “relationship” such as it is began. That is something that I need to get to the bottom of when she gets home on Monday I guess because I don’t even know how they found each other… All I know is that it seemed to pop up over night. She added him to her friends list one day then the next day he was talking about how she was the sexiest girl he knew and the best girlfriend in the world, etc. then the relationship status changed.

That is part of why I am hesitant about calling the police. This is the internets and there’s tons of stuff, so would this be piddly in comparison since technically as far as I can tell no laws have been broken (maybe just nicked a bit)? I really don’t want to be told to go away and quit being a paranoid, overprotective Mom. But at the same time I usually am paranoid and over protective, but I don’t think I am being that this time…

Even if you address the situation with this guy in some way, I think you need to talk to your daughter about this relatively soon, too. It would be a good idea to remind her that she shouldn’t be talking to guys over age __(whatever you think is appropriate) on facebook and that those guys are not suitable boyfriends on facebook or IRL. It’s relatively easy to stop her talking to him on facebook, but it would be harder to stop them from communicating if she gets to the point of trusting him enough to give out her phone number or home address.

That kid’s parole agent would be happy to know about this. But in order to get to him/her, you’re going to have to start somewhere. The local office won’t tell you to go away; they’ll at least get you on the right path.

While I have a niece who’s testing boundaries, she’s ‘lucky’ enough to have a mom who pushed every boundary possible and knows how to crack down on her. I would be an absolute wreck having to deal with a teenage daughter in this day and age, but it can be done. Keep trying, don’t let up, and at least give your local office a call tomorrow if you can. Even if they do laugh and hang up on you, so what? It’s worth a try.

Hell, Facebook itself might have a Q&A area somewhere for parents concerned about their kids’ privacy and safety on FB.

Edit…And they do, with links to various sites. So…

if you’re going to be up and worrying anyway, research a tad; you might get better ideas on where to start.

Oh it will definitely be addressed. In fact we just had this little talk a few days before about how there would be no one added ti her friends list that was over 16 unless it was the parent of a friend or one of her relatives. That’s why she’s been so quick to delete his wall posts and such I suspect. She is young enough to still think she knows better than we and to think that we don’t know what she is doing (or how to click on a link apparently).

I just need to figure out the best way to approach it. She’s in a touchy place emotionally so I don’t want to overwhelm her, but at the same time this is not acceptable in any form or fashion and I will not allow it to continue.

I am still so upset…it might be a good thing that she is gone for a couple of days…it gives me time to calm down and approach this from a less volatile place. In the mean time it is taking every bit of my will power not to send a message of my own to Predator. The only thing keeping me from it is that I know it would do more harm than good, and just make both of them more sneaky.

It would appear to me that a 24-year-old man inciting a 13-year-old girl to ditch her parents and spend the night in a hotel room might be illegal, and perhaps the fact that he’s goading her into doing it after crossing a state line might even be enough to bring the Feds into it. In addition to the other suggestions here, I think I’d call the nearest FBI office and see what they have to say.

And best of luck to you. Being a good parent these days is far from easy.

Thank you, it seems that you know me after all. :wink: I did plan to be up all night worrying. I am definitely checking this link right now, and I am already searching the local (non-emergency) numbers to call in the morning.

If it were my daughter and I were trying to figure out who to call, I’d call him. You know who he is right? So find his number and call him and tell him to stay the fuck away from your daughter. And if you see one more of his messages on her FB page, you are going to personally pay him a visit. I have a feeling that will shut him up.