What to do? Daughter is involved in an online relationship

In My Humble Opinion
1

Last Christmas, I got my daughters a laptop, which they share. When I allowed them to take it to their rooms, I went over a long series of rules about what they could and could not do. Rule #1 was that they were never to reveal personal information about themselves to strangers.

Well, she left her laptop running last night when she took a shower, I looked at what she was doing. She’s into Anime and visits Anime websites, including GaiaOnline.com, which seemed fairly innocuous. Well apparently this site has a chat room, which I did not know, and she’s found herself a “friend.” They’ve been exchanging IMs.

Reading the IMs, it’s obvious that my daughter has violated my rules, the first and foremost being that there should be no revelation of her personal information. Not only does she freely mention the name of her school, but she thanked him for the necklace he sent her, which means that he knows her real name and address. They both claim to be in love with the other and there were occasional forays into red flag areas. He claimed to have a “kinky” dream about her, for instance. She said she had also dreamt about him, but demurred to give details.

Her friend reportedly lives in Washington, whether it’s the state or the capital I don’t know. He’s also said that he was kicked out of the house briefly.

I spent the evening digesting the information because I wanted to sleep on it before reacting. I’m still at a loss. My daughter hasn’t dated a real live boy yet, so this came as kind of a surprise though it does explain why she’s spent so much time doing “homework” on the computer lately.

I need to address this, but I honestly don’t know what to do. My biggest fear is that her friend is not a 14 year kid but is one of those 40 year old men trying to lure her in. He’s already apparently sent her a necklace, which she wears and kisses each night before going to bed. She’s a good student and overall a very good kid, but very naive and I could see how she’d fall for a trap. Since I only could read the exchanges that were saved, I have no idea whether I’m completely overreacting.

Even if I take it on face value that he’s a real 14 year old kid, they’ve already written back and forth that they’d really like to “meet” and he’s asked her to marry him. She accepted. :rolleyes: And his “kinky dream” statement and the “My parents kicked me out for a few days” comment aren’t thrilling me.

So I’m at a loss as to how I should react. I’m not an idiot so that I know that even if I forbid her from contacting him again, I know she could sneak and find other ways, including using computers at the library and school. I could block the internet site altogether. I could tell her that I wanted to talk to this kid to make sure he’s 14. I could ask for her username and password to make sure that the conversation stays non-salacious. I could install spyware and track her activity for awhile. I could take away the laptop altogether for anything but school related things and make her use it in front of me.

I don’t know what is right. She needs to be punished for violating the rules, but I don’t want to push her towards this kid (or man). I’m very disappointed and very concerned.

Help!

2

I think you are very right to be concerned. First thing, take away the laptop. She broke the rules, you paid for the laptop, no more laptop.

As for pushing her toward this “boy,” is there any way you could get the school counselor or resource officer involved to explain to her she may be in real danger? Maybe not outright forbid her, but help her see for herself? Since she’s accepted his “marriage” proposal, say you want to meet him. After all, if he’s going to be a member of your family, you should get to know him.

And I’m sure some techies out there could help you figure out who this person is.

Good luck, and keep us updated.

3

I’m a worrier. Reinforcing what **ivylass **said, I would try my damndest to find out where the boyfriend lives (return address maybe?) and confirm his identity.

This is a tough situation. The risk may be low, but the consequences could be very high.

4

You went into her room and read through her private messages? :dubious:

Damn! Prepare for fireworks.

I can understand your reaction as a parent, but be prepared for your daughter to have a serious loss of trust in you.

She will feel totally exposed - I know she broke the rules, but you’ve clearly shown you don’t trust her.

Handle it v. carefully - otherwise you may find the boyfriend issue gets swept aside by her anger at your invasion of her privacy. And also be aware that she will now try twice as hard to conceal her activities from you in future.

5

Only a very remote chance that the boy is in fact an adult child abductor.

Doubtful that a good kid will head out across country to meet a boy.

Hard to get pregnant over the internet.

Count your blessings.

6

I think you should sit down with her with the laptop in front of both of you and be honest.

You did not say but since you threw fourteen out there I am guessing she is the same age. Tell her you were looking at the laptop and you discovered the IM archives and be prepared for the “you violated my privacy” tantrum.

Make sure you let her know that you are concerned about this “friend” she has found and the fact that she has broken the rules by revealing personal information and that not only puts her at risk but the entire family, meaning the laptop is now secured and only for homework.

The marriage proposal and the kinky dream statements concern me but again they can be made by a fourteen year old horny kid. The “being kicked out” is strange if he really is fourteen. Either he is older (18-19) or he has a crappy home life, which would drive her even closer to him like a little girl protecting a puppy. The meeting thing bothers me the most.

I assume since she got the necklace she has his home address and I would insist that you be given his real name and that address. If she does not have it then I would be very suspious. Why does he have her info but she does not have his? That would send me into panic mode that this friend is a grown adult.

If she has it start googling and see what you can find I am sure a phone number can be located. I would call it and ask some questions. See if there really is a young man there by that name. His parents may need to be alerted to this situation as well.

If you determine this is really a fourteen year old kid then I see no reason that hand written notes or letters, via snail mail, can not be exchanged. I am sure it will not please her but at this point, after you of course verified everything, it is the only option open to them. But then again this is your own personal decision.

I predict a lot of yelling, crying and begging. Good luck and and try to keep your cool. The calmer you are the more serious you will taken.

7

Sadly, the feeling is mutual.

Not that it makes a difference, but the computer was actually in the living room. She’d gone upstairs to take a shower and we came home in the middle of it. She didn’t expect us home. Oneof the IMs was up and running, but she’d printed out others and was in the process of transcribing them to her journal.

BTW, another of our rules is that they aren’t allowed to shield what they are looking at when we walk in the room.

8

It’s things like this that make me not look forward to one day being a parent.

Full disclosure: When I was 21 I went out for some time with a 16 year old girl.

At the time I thought it was innocent, innocuous, and fun. I had no idea that the girl kept this a secret from her mom, and when the secret got out mom was furious. She fought and threatened and I was really taken aback. I tried to take a step away from the relationship understanding that while it was borderline she probably was too young. The response was that she only pushed harder with me and lied to her mom more.

I know it’s scary knowing that there are predators out there, but it doesn’t seem likely that your daughter is currently the target of one. It may be a plausible possibility that your daughter has lied about her age because he got a crush on a guy she met on the message board.

I’m sorry if this didn’t help, just throwing out some other possibilities.

9

I dunno. We had a seemingly really nice guy in our wonderful rural neighborhood who was arrested for showing up to pick up his online girlfriend, who he thought was 14 years old. Oh, and he was a teacher in a nearby school district. He’s now on parole and listed in the sex offender registry.

No, every male stranger is not a creepy kidnapper. And the plural of anecdote is not data. But this isn’t an area where I’d be willing to risk not really knowing what’s going on. If it were me, I’d want details, and fast.

10

But by that example, one should keep one’s daughter off the neighbourhood streets and out of the local school, as well as off the internet.

Why not simply ensure that the young teenager is aware of the risks, both IRL risks and online risks, and keep communication open with her, rather than go down the confrontation road?

11

I think you’re overreacting. Unless you have an unlisted phone number, everybody has your address. And if he’s 14, this boy has probably had “kinky” dreams about every female he knows.

I agree with Muffin, it’s unlikely this boy is a molester and you can’t get pregnant over the Internet. Make sure you know where she’s going, just in case, but I’d leave it be.

12

Good rule. Mine’s a little more explicit: One has NO expectation of privacy on the computer, X-Box, text messages or any other medium of expression on which other people may contact you. None, until you’ve moved out of my house. And that rule’s been in place since the first chat-capable Gameboy was acquired. Just like I would reserve the right to stand behind him and listen in on his conversation should some stranger approach him in the mall, I reserve the right to monitor all electronic conversations.

Do I actually go and snoop? No. Do I actually know HOW to go and snoop? No, not beyond reading his emails, but he doesn’t know that. If his behavior starts worrying me, I’ll come ask you fine folks how to do the snooping. But I have his prior permission to do so, and the knowledge that I might, at any time, read all of his stuff, I hope keeps him in check. At least, I can’t find any information about him online when I look, and I’m pretty good at ferreting out personal information on the internet.

Anyway, should this ever come up, “You invaded my privacy - WAH!” will not be part of our discussion. And neither, I think, should it be part of yours. Privacy? What privacy? Did you promise her internet privacy? Why on earth would it be assumed that something she’s writing to a public forum would remain private from anyone at all, much less her parents?

Anyhow, I think I’d treat the infraction of your specific rule - the giving out of her name and address - as separate from her relationship with Romeo. But first, find out how it was sent. DID she, in fact, give out her information, or did she have it sent to school or work or somewhere fairly safe? Was you’ve found that out, then deal with that rule infraction. I think taking away the laptop for a bit is a proper response to not using the laptop according to your rules.

As for Romeo, I’d not forbid contacting him on other computers. For one, it’s just simply not enforceable. And, as I’m sure you know, the only thing that makes young love even more exciting is forbidding it. In fact, I’d ask about him. Be interested, not in a judgmental punishing way, but as interested in him as if she knew him IRL. Find out his name, his hobbies, his successes and failures. I might go so far as to say, “Well, I sure hope he’s who he says he is and not some 45 year old guy with a potbelly posting from his mother’s basement!” Nothing will whither the vine of their love faster than Mom’s approval at that age.

13

You definitely are right to be concerned for all the reasons that everyone has pointed out. The marriage proposal strikes me as really strange, but I can see being 14 and thinking it was a great idea.

But to throw in another perspective, one of my good friends met a guy online when she was 13. He was a few years older than her. They talked daily, and started ‘dating,’ but never met because they lived in different countries. She kept it a secret from her parents. When my friend came to the US for college, the two of them met, and started dating in real life. They still are (we’re both 21). She says that having him to talk to while she was growing up really saved her from a lot of the drama that teenagers often go through.

So your daughter’s online friendship may not be a completely negative thing, as long as you make sure that this friend is actually who she thinks he is.

14

Back when I was that age, we didn’t have teh intrwebs. Just lettermail and a telephone mounted on the kitchen wall. Our parents didn’t have to snoop, for there was nothing to be snooped out.

We simply went on dates and fucked like rabbits. Times were so much simpler then.

15

You seem to think that as long as they aren’t touching, I shouldn’t be worried. And I find that to be simplistic. What really concerns me more than anything is that she has gotten very close to a person whom I’ve never met. If he lived in town and were dating, or even if she became BFFs with a girl she met at school, we could meet him/her, meet the parents, look him/her in the eye. We don’t know him from Adam AND she’s kept him a secret from me. If it’s all kosher, why hide it? That’s what bothers me.

16

YOU CAN’T JUDGE ME!!!

:smiley:

17

I came in to post pretty much what Muffin said. Keep your eyes and ears open, but in the list of horrible things, this isn’t one of them. Eventually the light will go off for her, realizing that it’s a silly idea.
You can smile in smug satisfaction to yourself that you handled it the best way, too. A few years down the road, you can tell her that you knew about it, but respected her privacy and kept tabs on the situation. You’ll win respect down the road from that as well.

18

:stuck_out_tongue:

Oh, yes, oh yes I can!

But as long as you’re not passing yourself off as a 14 year old boy and sending gifts to 14 year old girls, I probably WON’T judge you. :wink:

19

Does she have a circle of friends? Does she go out and play much? If not, this is where the problem started, not online.

If she does, this will all pass as innocently as (I presume) it started.

20

Take the laptop to the police and show them. No ifs, no buts. If there’s some pervert grooming your daughter they need to be caught.

As for the ‘invasion of privacy’ angle, did you give her any expectation of privacy in the first place?