Don't know what to do

In My Humble Opinion
1

It has come to the attention of my husband and myself last night, that our 16 old daughter is in a “relationship” with a 25 year old grown man. I am sickened by what the man has done to my daughter. I have read many post, opinions of what people think, but I know my daughter. She is not a “very mature beyond her age” girl who has strong self confidence, etc. This sicko was a security guard in our neighborhood last year, who was fired for having “inappropriate” behaviour with younger girls in neighborhood.
I do not care what “logic” you want to put in the scenerio. Truth is, he is a grown man and she was 15 last year-when he was here. It is sick-regardless what kind of “spin” you want to put to it.
I called the police and made a report. Our daughter is out of state until next week, to which the sex crimes division will need to speak with her.
My guess is, she will try to lie, make up stories, etc. I don’t care. My job as a parent is to protect her and that means, getting the law involved before I handle it myself and I end up in jail. Those are the ONLY two choices I can make.
Question is, what is your opinions of how to handle it from here? What suggestions do you have?
I love my daughter, I understand teens will do things and experiment and even have “true” feelings for someone. However, I am adult, a responsible one who don’t make excuses for wrong or inappropriate behaviour. He is an adult. I do not care about his circumstances, etc.
I hope that me pressing charges, involving her like this (which is required) wont damage our relationship beyond repair. It is not like she has hated me or anything her life. I have struggled at times raising her, but only in not wanting my baby to grow up too fast. (should be understood by many)

I can’t sleep, I wake up with anxiety, I feel nauseated…I get full of rage at times. I pray and believe in Jesus, but I feel completely overwhelmed.

2

What is the age of consent in your state?

You said that things definitely happened at age 15 but can it be proven/will she be willing to testify? If the age of consent is 16 in your state (if you’re in the US), which is the case in many, many states… then legally there isn’t much you can do.

The best thing for you is to talk to your daughter and tell her how it makes you feel, and give her the reasons why she shouldn’t be having sex at her age. Don’t focus on the age of the other guy because it’s irrelevant to her. Don’t really appeal to your religion either because it’s just going to go in one ear and out the other. The only thing that might possibly make a difference to her is how it makes YOU feel, how much it hurts YOU, because you want her to be happy and healthy and such.

Otherwise, if she’s 16 now and that’s the age of consent, you can punish her, ground her, etc, but legally you won’t be able to do anything unless you can get evidence of him doing stuff with her when she was 15.

3

The very first thing I’d do is join a message board where I’ve never posted before and ask for advice.

Here’s a list of ages of consent by state.

StG

4

n/m

5

To me you’re doing all the right things, including getting the police involved. From what you say there’s no burning resentment from your daughter you have to deal with so making this a legal matter is going to make a big impression on her, fast.

Not a lot of parents, for some reason, are willing to take the bull by the horns and “nip it in the bud” by whatever means necessary. I commend you for doing what’s right, not what’s easier.

Don’t worry how she’s going to feel about it now. You’re doing the right thing in saving her from her young self, and at some point in her life she’s going to thank you.

Lot of clichés here…here’s another, something I learned from a young girl facing criminal charges. She said, “Families are like diamonds. They start out at the same place but spread out their own ways. But they always come back together in the end.”

6

First, do you know all of what you said in your OP for a fact? Or was it something you heard, for example his being dismissed for inappropriate behavior? If you don’t have the facts then maybe you should arm yourself with them; speak to his previous employer and get any information they’re willing to give to a concerned parent. Same goes for his relationship with your daughter - has she told you the details or did you hear elsewhere? If you’re right and she’ll just deny everything it could be frustrating for you unless you have something to back you up. You have until next week to get something together to build a case.

Second, you’re asking for opinions so don’t take this the wrong way. Some kids grow up more quickly than others (and quicker than their parents like), a friend was in a similar situation with his daughter and, when the guy came round to pick her up he invited him in for a coffee. He treated the boyfriend with thinly-veiled contempt and asked him “Don’t you think you’re cradle snatching?” He didn’t force his daughter to stop seeing the guy but let her (and him) know he was pretty revolted by their actions and repulsed by the guy. They didn’t stay together very long after that. I know for a fact she trusts her father’s opinion but if he’d just outright banned her from seeing the guy… she was going through a bit of a rebellious stage and might have just told him where to go.

7

Does your daughter know that you know? Did she tell you herself?
Where does this guy live? Close by or did he move away after his dismissal?

Does your daughter know of his “wrong-doings”
I think an argument that would appeal to her teenage mind would be that he tried stuff with other girls your age which is a. icky, he’s immature bordering on pedophile and b. means that he tries it with anybody (perhaps even girls that you already know - eew and c. you’re just one of many, you’re the one that gave in to him.

I honestly think that would be the best way to get her to see reason.

8

I was on grand jury for 6 months. It was astounding how many prosecutions for sex crimes with 20 something men and teenage girls (AOC is 16 in my state) involved relationships pursued and initiated by the girls. A lot of the guys were just dull witted losers not Machiavellian types.

I think you should have talked with her before getting the police involved. I’m just not that morally enraged by a 20ish man and 16 year old girl going at it. Those age difference hookups are as common as dirt. You could have terminated the relationship without going nuclear, but now it’s kind of out of your hands.

I don’t think this is going to turn out the way you anticipate with you with you raining holy mother bear vengeance on a master sexual criminal. He’s probably going to pan out to be a horny simpleton, and the truth will likely be that your brilliant daughter is willing to fuck dullards as long as they have a drivers license and can get alcohol or weed and tell her she’s beautiful.

He is likely going to jail for long time for the awful crime of boffing your precocious 16 year old. His life is over and your daughter was complicit in that relationship.

9

I had a 27 year-old boyfriend when I was 17, and I had sex with him. And it was great, and I look back on it now with much fondness. I was fully aware of what I was doing, and was not in any way taken advantage of. My parents and his family all knew, and I was welcome at their home for mulitple family events, as was he in mine. I am so glad my parents didn’t overreact, and lose their shit over something that caused me no damage whatsoever.

10

What difference does it make if your 16yo is banging a 25yo or a guy her age? Teenagers are horny and sex feels good, hopefully you did your job and she knows to use protection.

11

I understand another persons perspective on the issue, however; the fact is, that it is illegal and wrong. There are many illegal activities people can “make” into excuses of acceptable, helpful, etc…but it does not make it right. I can not just stand by and accept it in any way. The dude is not 20, but almost 26. A man changes in those 5 years, definitely to know it is unacceptable to fool around with a 16 yr old.

Of course I know my daughter has feelings, cares for him, even enjoying the company of a man next to her. I have NO feelings for this man and his future. He obviously has “chose” the wrong family to mess with-for I will not be accepting to this relationship.

My daughter has no idea I know. When she left the state to visit the family the other day, I found pics of her and this man. With the advice of an officer, I was told to search her room for more evidence, to which I found many writings from my daughter regarding their “encounters” and feelings…and plans. I am a mother first and foremost. My job is to protect her…physically, emotionally, etc. Since when did it become acceptable for a grown man touch a young girl. Regardless of details??? Am I really only one who just says-you don’t go there?

I know my relationship will be damaged with my daughter-but there is NO WAY I could live her whole life and not do what I thought was right. If a dude POSSIBLY is sneaking around with young girls, do you really take the chance with your baby?? I don’t understand as a parent, how you accept that. What do you wrap your mind around? Weird.

Sometimes, things are left best as simple. The truth is, a grown man (which he is!) has NO business touching a 16 year old girl. Regardless how she wants him, etc.!! He obviously is weak - so I will make sure the law reminds him…because if I get to him first, I probably will cripple or kill him.

I have called a counselor to have ready when she returns. I have contacted the phone company for records-to get more evidence to get a restraining order against him… God gave me these babies to protect. I have no problem letting my babies grow up and become who they are. (I have two older boys in their twenties) I understand FULLY that they are not perfect and will make decisions that I don’t like (been there) however; this is not about understanding my daughters feelings, etc. It is about doing the RIGHT thing.

I hope that my daughter understands my position is of protection. It is my job. Too many parents these days accept unacceptable actions-just because others are doing it. Part of the reason the world is for s*** today. There is a love and respect that is pure, good and kind. Not confusing, lies, deceitful and sick.

Always, I do the BEST I CAN. The best I can is doing what is legal and right by law and protecting my babies. It is not my job to decide if this dude really cares or is a sicko. That is the laws job.

When I posted for advice, I wanted more information how to heal this broken part of the relationship that she will have for me because I am taking away someone she “loves”. I was not looking honestly for people to give me reasons why it MAY be acceptable. There is no part of me whatsoever that finds it acceptable.

Thanks for your responses. My daughter has been taken to the doctor prior to me finding this out, she is on birth control. I know how teenage girls are…but the man, … don’t understand.

12

My state shows 16/18-bill pending. Not sure what that means.

13

DigitalC-Really?? You don’t find any difference in that?..what may be “wrong” or “inappropriate” in your eyes?

14

Lucretia-Although it worked out for you-are all parents to “accept” inappropriate actions-just in case it was awesome and felt good? really…

I am sure “it” has made my daughter feel awesome, all warm inside, etc to be fed BS from someone. She is a 16 yr old girl and history and studies show how they are…

Fact: Law states she doesn’t have the right to make decision of sleeping with a grown man. It’s the law.

15

No I don’t, stop seeing her as a victim of a horrible crime and start seeing her as a normal human being with normal sexual urges and you wouldn’t either. What would be wrong in my eyes would be for some poor guy to end up in jail because we insist on sexually infantilizing teenage girls.

16

It is illegal for anyone over the age of 24 to have sex with anyone under the age of 18, unless they are married.

What part of the LAW don’t people understand?

17

Well straightgirl, sounds like you live in a state where the age of consent is either 17 or 18 (a whole year or two older than your daughter is now when she’ll have the magic ability to have sex with any adult she chooses).

There are plenty of other states in the United States, and plenty of countries in the civilized/developed world where the age of consent is 16 or even 15 or 14, and your daughter would be legally having sex with this guy. Consider that as you begin to heal your relationship with your daughter.

18

She said that her daughter was 15 when it happened, and he was 25. Yeah, to me, that’s a pretty big fuckin’ deal. Horny simpleton or not, he surely knew that seducing a 15-year-old is against the law, those without any MORAL quandaries aside. I know that many 15-year-old children feel more than ready to have sex; I’ve met very few with the emotional maturity to handle implications ranging from unwanted pregnancy to STD’s to the inevitable fall-out when he stops calling. I understand mom’s outrage. The police can pursue this as a sex crime even without daughter’s consent, so long as evidence exists that a sexual relationship occurred. The law presumes (IMO rightly so) that a 15-year-old is unable to give informed consent.

I don’t care if the 25-year-old was a horny bastard. With that kind of age difference, I’d view him as more of a predatory fucktard who deserves to go to jail for a very long time.

OP: what I’ve said above aside, the most important thing is preserving a loving relationship with your daughter. Tread carefully, and leave your moral outrage at the door. Your pursuit of this man with complete disregard for your daughter’s wishes may cause more harm than good.

19

Poor guy? OMG. Thanks for your concern of the healthy family relationship we have created in our home. Fact is, our love and bond will be what makes her grow from this situation. I am not here to argue the facts. If you feel the law is incorrect-then take it to court. Don’t argue your sexual reasons with me.

I absolutely see my daughter as human with sexual urges, hence the reason of doctors and birth control. That is my job as a parent. It is in NO WAY to be accepting to illegal actions because of those urges on behalf of a man who should respect the laws…regardless of his hard on.

20

You need to calm down, straightgirl73. Quit being so defensive and shrill. Just breathe in and out for a minute, okay? :rolleyes:

I’ve not seen anyone defend the actions of this guy. Some people tried to give you some perspective on the situation in the hopes that you might maintain some level of reason when you do finally sit down to talk with your daughter. Nobody is attacking your family or your religious values either.