Don't know what to do

I will not pursue this dude with vengeance. I will leave it to the law to handle as they see fit. I only reported illegal actions.

My most important point is, wanting to mend a relationship that will be damaged just because I took away someone she loved. Anyone who knows a 16 yr old girl, is that her “feelings” are soooo much more involved. I understand this. I love her more than anything and just want her to be able to grow from this and move on.

I have been totally up front with my daughter about having sex when you are a teen. I, myself, had sex at 15. With another 15 year old. I honestly, don’t get many of you accepting that he is grown…and doing this. The law states that is over 24, you don’t have NO RIGHTS to lay with someone under 18. Why do you think those laws are there? And to the person who stated some states allow consent at 14 or 15…please note that most of those states have years attached to them. Example: 14-so they can’t be with anyone over 17. There is a law clearly to point out those details…for a REASON.

If you don’t like the laws, then work to change them. The fact is, they are there for a reason. I have no “war” against this man with the law. It is what it is. wrong.

My daughter is beautiful inside and out. She is precious and should be honored as that, regardless of what S*** the world comes along with. You can talk all the BS you want. We shall see what happens when a true family is rocked by a pedophile. I am confident in the relationship we have created in our family. but only wanted support as a mom-whose heart was broken.
The more I read these conversations and responses, I am saddened by the acceptance, when I expected people to feel something as just a mom needing support. Thanks, but no thanks…for your opinions. :slight_smile:

When you post on a public message board, you don’t get to dictate what other people say. Unless this man is in a position of authority over your daughter (like a teacher), their relationship is probably NOT illegal. And, legalities aside, you’re *grossly *overreacting. Your daughter has 2 years left of being stuck under your thumb, after which point it’s up to HER what kind of relationship she has with you–if any at all. Is this really the cross you want your adult relationship with her to die on?

Part of good parenting is choosing your battles.

…and here I thought this was about your daughter and the impact this may have on her. Looks to me like this is much more about how this affects YOU. That’s an entirely different subject. Thanks for clarifying.

Quoting myself as I think you may have missed this reply which I honestly think is a practical way of approaching the conversation to make her see she isn’t really special to him.
I would love to hear your thoughts.

QuickSilver, I see the wisdom in what you’ve said below. I fail to see anything even remotely helpful in the responses above (in fact I felt sickened by the “poor guy” comments, myself).

OP said that her daughter lacks emotional maturity. Even if she doesn’t know what behaviors her daughter engages in outside the home, or how she presents herself to 25-year-old men, OP knows her daughter. I understand her outrage, though I hope she tempers it before confronting her daughter.

I was physically mature at a young age. I started getting attention from older men when I was a freshman in high school (14). This was not provocative or the thing of masturbatory dreams. I was horrified and ashamed of the attention. I wore baggy clothes and went so far as to “bind” my breasts by wearing layers of very tight shirts underneath the loose sweaters. This started when my older sister’s husband (who would have been about 25 to my 13-14 year old self) started coming on to me in very overt ways. I didn’t know exactly what was wrong with his flattering words and his wandering hands (that never actually strayed beyond my arms, back, shoulders) but I knew that it WAS the wrong kind of attention. I didn’t connect it with sexual attention until I was a few years older and by then, thank God, the pervert had moved away. I don’t care how this is spun into degrees of moral relativism by men. I will say that to a young girl, sexual attention from an older man can be a very damaging thing.

You mean one that was true 14 years ago.

I knew something was up because it said that Connecticut’s is 15. But it’s not; it’s 16. Well that’s an irrelevant nitpick, but the point is that that list is very outdated.

straightgirl, the age of consent is flat out 16 or 17 in many states. That means a 16 year old can have sex with another 16 year old, or a 26 year old or an 85 year old. There ARE several states where the age of consent is 18 but with exceptions for teens having sex with 18 or 19 or 20 year olds.

It’s not just cut and dry like you are saying. The age of consent is absolutely NOT 18 everywhere, nor is it even 18 in the majority of states.

In Canada for example the age of consent is 16 everywhere. No exceptions. This is also true in many US states.

Stop thinking that there is some magical societal agreement that young girls magically turn into women on their 18th birthday with the ability to consent to sex. That’s extremely far from the consensus.

age of consent 16 (30): Alabama, Alaska, Arkansas, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Georgia, Hawaii, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, Ohio, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Vermont, Washington, West Virginia

age of consent 17 (9): Colorado, Illinois, Louisiana, Missouri, Nebraska, New Mexico, New York, Texas, Wyoming

age of consent 18 (12): Arizona, California, Delaware, Florida, Idaho, North Dakota, Oregon, Tennessee, Utah, Virginia, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania

Yes, my daughter knows of his “wrong doings” at the community clubhouse…but thinks that because those “wrong doings” are mostly about her, that is honestly true, love.

I don’t even know where to start now. Let me be honest.

I don’t care about MY feelings. I can’t apologize for being who I am - which is someone who really “can’t” look past the law. It is so simple to me, that is very difficult for me to see everyone else “perspective” on the situation. I am sorry that if me being the way I am is hard to accept or take as not caring about my daughter…it is not that. I just believe we ALL, my family, you, your family-should always know right from wrong and the law. You just don’t do illegal stuff.
I understand that a lot of my feelings is me reacting to my daughter not being my baby any more and growing up. I am honestly trying to keep those feelings aside, when TRYING to approach this the right way.
I feel horrible now, with reading comments, etc, somehow coming off as this over-bearing mother who needs a wake up call.

Please, I am just not understanding how to pass the legal part of it. Maybe it is because MY daughter, but I can’t. It just seems wrong that a 26yr old has interest in my baby. That she gave him herself. Hurts my soul. I can’t lie about that.

I don’t want to damage our relationship beyond repair. I don’t want to lose her forever because of this one time. But I also can not just stand by.

I thought notifying the police was the RIGHT thing to do. Who am I, the parent, to decide if the law was legally broken or not? That is up to the police, right?

Half-elf, you make it sound like we can have a conversation with understanding on both sides. I don’t know if you have children, but my 16 year old daughter is super selfish and rarely, if ever, cares about us when it comes to HER life. :slight_smile:

Quiksilver, I was not intending for my feelings to matter in any of this. I was just honestly stating I was heart broken when I reached out for advice. I am sorry that me not seeing past the legal part is not accepting to you. I wish I had better answers…but I honestly could care less about my heart being broken…but honestly care about my daughters LIFE.

Honestly, you sound like a cartoon. The truth is your daughter is a run of the mill, perfectly ordinary horny teenager who (like her mom) likes to fuck and is quite willful. That she has chosen to get involved with this idiot is not great judgment on her part, but you had best acknowledge her part in this little tarantella and stop running around in circles proclaiming “OMG! OMG! She’s 16! He’s 25! He’s one year over the allowed range! Oh the humanity!”

What you want is people to support the absurd level of drama you have cranked up on this issue when really a 16 and 25 hookup is just kind of annoying and “meh” in the grand scheme of things. This is not to say he’s not a giant idiot for sticking his penis in your daughter, but really get a grip. At the end of the day you have a horny young 16 year daughter girl who likes to fuck boys, and is willing to deceive you to get attention and cock. Throwing around a bunch of infantilizing silliness about her being a precious honored baby isn’t going to change that. You would be better off relating to her like a young woman with needs and desires who is making foolish choices not a Precious Moments figurine.

drewtwo99, per her response earlier, it sounds like she’s in Florida where the age of consent is 18, and from the Wiki article on the subject, it sounds like the close-in-age exception there is for 23-year-olds with 16 or 17-year-olds, not 25 and 15.

Personally, I think that the ickyness of a 10-year gap is how immature teenagers are, and that’s especially worse here because the OP said her daughter is immature for her age. This guy wanted a chick with a good body and who doesn’t have enough mature decision-making skills to figure out if this is best for her. There are teenagers who have more maturity, and I think part of that involves picking sexual partners who you’re not essentially sending to jail if you fuck them and someone else finds out - or if you really think that’s worth the risk, be much, much better at hiding the fact.

Okay, this is a place to start.

You said the police is involved so you’ll have to trust them to take care of the legal matters. Separate yourself from that to the extent possible and do not discuss that aspect of events with your daughter - it’s the area for adult actions/decisions.

As to what the next steps are with respect to how you handle things with your daughter… here I think you’ll have to reach deeply into your bag of family values that you so heavily emphasised and start practicing what you preach in terms of how you enforce these values through consequences for your daughter’s actions. Because what you ultimately want to accomplish is to firmly establish what happens when she fails to meet expectations.

It’s not news to any parent with a teen that kids at the cusp of adulthood can sometimes act in a thoughtless and selfish manner. Their self control centers in their brain are not fully developed. It’s your job as a parent to act as that control center from time to time.

If your daughter has undermined your ability to trust her, you should make that clear in no uncertain terms, both in words and deeds. Whatever freedom you have entrusted her with should be curtailed to some degree. That may include who she can call on her mobile phone or what sites she can access on the home computer. Whether she can go out with her friends for the next little while should also be re-considered. Perhaps she should be on lock-down with home and school being the only two places she is permitted to be until she can demonstrate that she can be trusted again. What consitutes demonstrable evidence of earned trust depends on you, of course - you define the terms of her punishment. And do not under any circumstances get caught up in negotiating or arguing with her about whether or not she transgressed. Be very clear with her about what she did wrong. Be very clear about the letter and law of the punishment you are going to dole out to her. Be very clear of what you expect of her going forward and make very sure she understands what’s expected of her to rebuild the trust and regain the freedom she wants. Kids need a clear understanding of the goal that they are expected to achieve, else they will not know what to do and will end up doing nothing because it all seems vague and pointless and unfairly punitive.

@Astro-you are the typical person I wish was shot more. Would make this world a better place. Just sayin’…

@ QuickSilver, Thank you for your response. I will surely take your advice to heart. I admit I have made mistakes, but honestly-want to do the best thing for her life. Admitting she is a “horny” teenager who likes to F boys is NOT the respectful, kind part of life I believe is best in parenting.

I am not looking for validation that I am doing or did the right thing. I am simply looking for words from those who are encouraging, helpful and filled with maybe their own experiences-to help others. I have raised 2 great young men, but this daughter thing, is a whole new ballgame. I feel like it is me the parent who DOES want her to be treated as precious as she is TO ME, to the nasty world who has lost value in someones life. I don’t believe I have to face the crummy truth that Astro is all about. There ARE good people in this world. There are GOOD men who honor and value their women, like my husband of 23 years…and others.

LOL I fucking lost it here.

Both **Astro **and **Quicksilver **made good and valid points, but Astro was more harsh and **QS **more empathetic towards you.
Hopefully you will let the harsher points some posters have made sink in and consider them. The truth is not always what we would wish it to be.

Hey now.

Astro may not have said things in the most p/c fashion but I hardly think he deserves to be shot for it.

You need to face facts here. Your daughter is responsible for her actions in a very real and large way. One can make the argument that her responsibility lies past the 50% mark. Unless this guy forced himself on her (which is an entirely different situation from what you described), she certainly shoulders her part of the blame here. You wanting to see her through rose colored glasses does not help either one of you in this situation. So yes, there are predators out there and yes there are bad people with bad intentions. But there are also young naive girls with hormones raging far louder than their frontal lobe control centers. You have to find the strength within yourself to admit that this may very well be true in your case and you must find a way to deal with it. Wishing death on those who bring these unfortunate truths to light is not the best way to invite empathy and support. YMMV.

I think it is against the rules to wish death on another poster, but in any case, Astro is basically correct.

Where were your daughter’s honor and values when she was banging this guy?

You took a scorched earth approach when talking to your daughter would have been a much better option.

She has a sex life. She wasn’t raped. You involved the police in consensual sex. She would have gotten over you showing her the light about this man, but now she has public humiliation and the police to deal with. Good luck with her ever trusting you again.

It’s worth noting that she’s not fucking “boys.” She’s fucking adult men. For whatever reason (teen boys are immature lumps of yuck/spending too much time in hit-on-teen-girls chat rooms/whatever), she’s looking for guys old enough to know better than to fuck jailbait girls, rather than looking at the captain of the football team or something.

I, for one am anxious to know what action the police take. Also I’d be interested to know where you live.

What will you do when she denies having sex with him, to the police?

This is far over the line of what is against the rules here, although wishing death on other posters on any message board would be considered over the line, I’d think, so I’m giving you a warning here. Even though you’re new here, that post crosses the line too far.
So don’t post like this again, Straightgirl, because if you get too many warnings (especially with being a new poster), you will be banned.

Honestly, no death was wished. But point well taken.
Also, please note that I will take the harsh responses into take as well.
I have raised two amazing, well behaved, loving boys who treat women as they should, so I must be doing something right.
I love my kids more than anything. I make mistakes as they do…but we ALL learn from them. I appreciate the responses with actual concern and help for fellow peeps in the world. :slight_smile:
I am honestly shocked where this all has lead to. Makes me realize the true relationships I have here in person with friends and family.
To those of you who wonder: I don’t believe my daughter will tell the police she sleeps with him. I don’t believe she will cooperate with anything they want to do. That is their business. As I had stated, it is not my intention to stir the pot. I, as an adult, did the legal thing which is to report illegal behaviour. Whether it was my daughter or yours, I would have done the same thing. I will talk to my daughter, explaining the trueness of what her father and I believe is unacceptable actions on this mans behalf. Truth is, we feel much differently than a lot of people in this world…we know this and are ok with it.
I am a bit shocked how I reached out for those maybe who were at some point in the same situation, to give advice…to those who are entirely comfortable to express their own opinions for law breaking behaviours. I don’t get to say what opinions I get-sure enough-that’s cool, but what ever happened to the saying…you don’t have nothing good to say, don’t say nothing at all?
Best of luck to all parents raising children in this crummy world or minimal good people…nahhh! I know many great peeps. :slight_smile: Thanks again.