… and totally forgetting that your daughter was a willing participant.
You have screwed things up very badly with your daughter and it’s very sad that you can’t see that. But I’ll say something nice, from now on … What you don’t know can’t hurt you! :rolleyes:
This is such a ludicrous post, I had to say something. You’re shocked at the replies you got because you didn’t take the time to read this board before putting your daughter’s sex life on it, is that right? Had you taken the time to read the front [age of any (or even all) of the forums you’d have seen this is not a Focus on the Family message board.
We say pussy here. And only 70% of the time are we talking about cars when we say pussy.
And to the bolded, that was never a saying. It’s ‘if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything’; and you’re an ENORMOUS hypocrite because you sure don’t have anything nice to say to those who didn’t agree w/ your assessment of the situation, do you? More people like astro should be shot, what a precious reflection of Christ you turned out to be.
You have a serious case of privilege and entitlement going on and it WILL cost you your relationship w/ your daughter who, btw, is clearly a reflection of her mother. Enjoy the revenge you get on your ‘baby’ at the hands of the police for growing up.
How did I screw things up badly with my daughter? I am sorry I don’t see that -but am asking for your so keen insight?
I totally know my daughter is a willing participant, but the law is on my side-that she is not responsible enough nor mature enough to make those decisions…
Is everyone totally oblivious to the law? I understand the “details” of each situation is different and I am not saying this was rape in that sense, however; I believe all adults should not cross that line.
I know my daughter. I know she has had low self esteem for quite some time and social issues with friends… I feel as her parent, that this was taken advantage of by a grown man looking to “score”. I don’t care how attractive she seemed, came onto him, etc…it is HIS responsibility to know she is “considered” a child by law and that’s it.
I am no fool to know teenagers hormones and sex happens. I never implied that. I will not apologize that I see my daughter in a precious light regardless of her mistakes or choices. She will always remain that. It doesn’t mean that I expect her to be perfect, not have desires or needs, etc. But are many of you telling me-that age doesn’t matter regardless?? Only in rape cases? Really??
I have obviously chosen the “right” comments to post to put my point across, for I am baffled by most responses. I just don’t understand the out right meaness. I am honestly trying to find the right way to handle this situation on many levels. But accepting it, is not one we are willing to take.
At this point, her father and I have decided to contact the man and tell him to cease all contact or we will further our contact with law enforcement. It will be his choice from today on, how he would like to pursue his relationship with our daughter.
If there is true concern for her, he can wait till she is 18. No, she won’t magically turn into a responsible person, but it will be then, HER choice. Right now, it is the responsibility of her parents to follow the laws of the land and protect her emotionally, physically and any other way.
I feel confident enough to talk with my daughter about our beliefs and our love for her. Although all ends to relationships hurt, it is her father’s and I’s love that will remain and lift her up. This will not destroy us. I don’t understand why you LurkerInNJ think WE have screwed anything up? I am sorry if I am naive to something, but I am honestly trying my best to be the mom she needs. 
I would absolutely love to see you make this argument. How in the world can a girl 10 years younger then the man she’s sleeping with bear more than 50% of the blame? 50%, perhaps. But more than that? How??
About Astro being shot-please understand this was wrong words used…obviously. I am no person who stated I am Christian, for that is Christ like and I am far from it. I simply stated I believed in Jesus and prayer. I was just trying to say I didn’t agree with his statement and he should be gone. Nothing malicious. Sooorrry.
Are you saying I should not have contacted the law at all? For guidance even? I was a concerned parent when I found the information. It was a parental reaction. It is now our choice how to pursue, hence the questions I have asked.
Even some of the not so nice comments, I am totally taking in, to help me understand what I don’t understand clearly.
When she gets back from out of state the three of you should make an appointment to see a family psychiatrist to figure out how to go forward from here in regards to trust issues, respect for others and what she wants her future to hold. She did stuff she knew you thought was wrong so an outside opinion showing why that was hurtful to her parents would hold more water than simply seeing she’s hurt her parents.
Love doesn’t solve anything, communication does.
I called a therapist, the same time we called LE. It was the weekend, but I left a message.
She says that she has photographic and other evidence of the predator having a sexual relationship with her then 15-year-old daughter.
In other words, no matter what he says in defense if his indefensible actions, and even if now 16-year-old daughter denies a relationship or says that it was 100 percent consensual, he’s toast. What OP did may very well have a negative impact on her relationship with her daughter, but it may prevent the perv from preying on other young teenage girls.
Seriously, nobody else sees this as all kinds if wrong?!? She wasn’t experimenting (and having full-on sexual relations) with a clod of a boy her age. This is a full grown man. A man who probably knows full well how to exploit the insecurity and emotional immaturity of a sexually ripe young girl. The juicy piece of ass he thought he was getting … Has probably now cost him his job, freedom of movement without the mandatory sexual predator label, and very likely his freedom altogether.
I wonder how many people here who are remarking at daughter’s promiscuity and pursuit of ‘cock’ would be so cavalier if they found themselves in the same situation with their own teenage girl, who is just a few years past playing with Barbies and making her own gaudy plastic jewelry.
For real, I feel sickened.
16 is a very difficult age. No longer interested in childish things and little experience to be an adult. It’s scary! Older teens begin to test their parents beliefs as they begin to form their own. And as they make their first adult decisions they look for mentors to help them make, and evaluate those first decisions afterwards so they gain the confidence to fully enter the adult world.
For young girls there’s a huge attraction to the first grown up who shows them real interest. He has a car, a job, and is significantly more mature than most of the boys her own age that she’s around! I suspect you treat your daughter more like a child than as an adult so the fact that somebody else sees her as a grown up just adds to the “forbidden fruit” attraction she feels for this man. For the first time in her life she feels like a woman!
In my opinion, the best way for you to have handled this would have been to acknowledge the relationship - even if you HATED everything about it. Treat her as a grown up, give her the things she needs to make sure she doesn’t get pregnant, and then really listen to her and give her guidance rather than orders so she knows that you are somebody she can talk to as she transitions into adulthood. With the forbidden nature of what she’s doing out of the picture she’d most likely lose interest in him pretty quickly and move on to the boys her age - especially as they mature themselves. Treating her like an adult she’ll have greater confidence and will hopefully make better and better decisions in the boys she dates and she’d be open with you knowing that you are a trustworthy confidante.
Unfortunately I think your current actions were poor for a number of reasons. First of all, you are letting your anger dictate your actions. You’re using the letter of the law to dictate your choices rather than the spirt of the law. By reporting him to the police you have created a new bond between your daughter and this 25 year old. You are now their common enemy and that will likely intensify their relationship. The more you try to forbid it, the more she’ll only be interested in him and at some point will move out of your house to be with him. Second, by involving the police instead of talking to your daughter you have shut down an open communication line with her. Getting her to open up to you so you can talk as adults in the future is likely going to be VERY difficult now. I know you blame your daughter first for not trusting you to talk to you, but you are the adult here and I think you bear all of the blame in the trust breakdown. Third, I think you have hurt your daughters confidence. By involving the police in your daughters first foray into the adult world you are sending a signal to her that her decisions are criminal. This stage of a teenagers life is fragile enough and I can’t imagine how much damage you have done to her confidence, but I guarantee you it’s significant.
At this point, I think your best course of action is to talk to your daughter openly and candidly. I think you should drop all legal action and pursuits against the 25 year old. I think you should tell your daughter that you acted hastily and out of fear. And third, I agree with the above posters who suggest some level of counseling. I think both of you need a little bit of guidance to handle your daughters growing maturity and the trust you need to engender between you two.
But if the daughter is under the age of consent, which I am assuming is based on what the OP says, then it *is *illegal. It is called “sexual assault”.
Are you saying that the OP should not report sexual assault to the police?
ETA: And it’s not illegal on the daughter’s fault either. The victims of sexual assault are never at fault. So the daughter has nothing to worry about in terms of the law and being a criminal.
The age of consent is an arbitrary number and each state is free to choose when they think that age is. But by the age of 16 girls are perfectly capable of making decisions regarding their sex life, even if many of those decisions are bad choices. I have a big problem with labeling a consensual relationship “assault” if both parties made their choices with no duress. Especially if one state arbitrarily says yes 16 is too young, while another state says no, 16 is just fine. Here is where we get into intent versus letter.
Yes.
You may, but that’s what the law is.
But if the state the OP and her daughter live in labels the age of consent as higher than 16, then it is illegal.
Sorry, but law is above everything. You can go and try to convince them to change it, but for the time being, it is what it is.
Now you may not choose to report sexual assault (yeah, I know you don’t believe it is sexual assault, but again, that’s what the law says) because you’re fine with it, but it seems wrong to say that the OP shouldn’t have reported it, because again for the time being, it is the law.
You had a knee jerk reaction that should have have been handled FIRST as a private family matter, and taken to the authorities only as a last resort. Your daughter is not 11, she is 16. Step down off the soap box. I’m not saying what he did was right, but she is not a little girl and you have such a righteous hardon over her sex life it isn’t funny.
Being the mom she needs? Does that entail showing complete strangers naked photos of her sucking this guys dick and having sex with him? You know how often photos are traded and leaked? His lawyer gets those photos too. And that means everyone in his lawyers office has access. Hope no one there has a dirty little habit. Don’t forget the police and the prosecutors office too. Or are those photos you found of them just holding hands? I’m sure she’ll love you more than ever after that. Nothing like walking down the street not knowing who has seen you in a compromising position. Let’s hope they don’t end up on the internet. The whole world will see how precious she is then.
You really don’t see the possible consequences and humiliation what you have done could and will bring and how it will affect your relationship? Her stupid little love affair wouldn’t have lasted very long anyway, and a sit down with you and your husband along with a few very serious talks and some verified information about his prior activities could have nipped this in the bud instead of the I’m such a law abiding citizen I couldn’t help myself routine.
She wasn’t 16 when the relationship started; she was 15. At what age DO you think it is OK for a 25 year old man to engage in a sexual relationship with YOUR daughter, or niece?
I probably would not have reported to the police as a first alternative, because my relationship with my child trumps legal concerns (yes, I am a hypocrite and I can live with that). I would approach the grown-ass man and let him know in no uncertain terms that the next visitation with my daughter would end with jail time. And I would do everything in my considerable parental power to keep her away from him. I am we’ll aware that laying down very strict boundaries and holding my child accountable to them could backfire and cause her to just become more secretive. But damn, as a loving and concerned parent, I’d have to TRY. Otherwise, why not just go out and buy her a cabinet full of liquor, popular drugs of choice, and a flipping harem of older men to work her way through?
There are no pictures of them in sexual positions. There is nothing sexual in photos what so ever shared with LE.
I did not share the WHOLE story, as I was looking for advice but not sharing the full story, with some respect to my daughters life…believe it or not.
We found notes and things she wrote. Momentos of their “dates” together. We knew our daughter was having sex recently, because we had talked about it. I just believed it was someone else. We had been “working” through me KNOWING it was not who she said, because he hasn’t been brought to her dad and I. She had talked openly about us being strict and realizing she is growing up. Shockingly to all of you probably, is that we actually have conversations…this has been ongoing for probably 4 months.
It is not like I found this one day and jumping to conclusions. However, I do feel differently and rightfully reacted differently when I found out it WAS a grown man. I don’t blame my daughter for growing up, having needs or wanting a relationship. I don’t blame my daughter for even becoming a woman-no longer my little girl, when I so wish she did, like any parent who LOVES having kids.
I am torn about contacting LE. They did not take anything with them, only my statement. They don’t have anything except what I found by statement and that’s all. I honestly told the officer, I wanted advice what to do. Of course my gut reaction was to kick his butt, but I knew that was not the mature thing. I honestly felt as a parent protecting their child or anyones child. It was and is wrong for a MAN to share that intimacy with a teenager. You know?
You know, I didn’t know what kind of forum this was or people answering. I was and am an honest loving parent, trying to make the hard decisions I am faced with. The whole situation is not something I ever thought I would have to face. It is honest, not a blind parents life. I am involved with my daughter…but as with any relationship as you go through your teens, they are more secretive, they dont want to dissapoint you, etc. And not to mention as a teen girl, as I ONCE was, that you are full of foolish emotions…
I just wanted advice. It is hard to face the truth and some of you clearly threw it at me in the face…ok, I get it. But in all honesty, I just want to do the right thing. The best for my daughter. I want her to know right and wrong as I always have…hence the reason I have such trouble confronting this issue-especially being illegal. Everyone has opinions and I respect people. I am sorry if I came off as high and mighty or dumb to some. This is all new to me and I was simply, reaching out.
I hear you and would completely agree that if he pressured her, or used his money to buy her gifts in return for sex then that would absolutely be assault. If this is the case then I would retract my previous statement.
My answer was less to do with getting justice on the 25 year old and more about how to teach the 16 year old to make better decisions and date boys her own age. The best way to get your 16 year old daughter to do something is to disapprove of it. By acknowledging and accepting that the daughter is growing up and ready for mature relationships the OP could develop a stronger, more adult relationship with her daughter. By taking legal action instead, especially on somebody whom the OP’s daughter cares about, it will create a trust issue that will not be easily overcome.
So, on further reflection I’ll say this. If the 25 year old coerced your daughter in any way into doing something she wasn’t willing to do on her own, then the battle to fight is the legal one. However, if she’s simply rebelling and exploring her sexuality with an older man then I think that the legal battle is the wrong choice and you should drop it in favor of building a stronger relationship with your daughter.
Are you saying you don’t know for sure she is sleeping with this man and you reported it to the police? You just saw momentos of dates and silly teenage writings? Or was it spelled out “I had sex with 25 year old Billy Joe Smith” three times last week?
This. Also, I’d probably be more gung who with pressing charges if it weren’t a felony and wouldn’t get him on the sex offender registry. What he did was bad, but IMO not “rot in prison and have difficulty finding a job for the rest of his life” bad. If it were a misdemeanor with a hefty fine I’d be like “hell yeah report him!”
straightgirl73, I have a serious question for you. If the law had decided that the consent age was OK in this situation would you still be so upset? You seem to be clinging to this idea that the legal aspect is the most important part and because of the ages he has somehow ruined your daughter. She was not a virgin. You bought her birth control.
You should do your job as a parent, but I think your priorities are misplaced.
What made you decide that the SDMB was the place to ask for advice?