Hello Faddah - MMP For Dad

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I was going to do this great post with pictures, just so you might see how handsome my father is, alas, the burden of moving prevented me from scanning the pictures on time.

In tribute to my father on (as it is now) Father’s day.

I’m not going to go into details on how I came about, they’re not important, and really who wants to know that?

When I was born on January 27, 1978 in a nice blizzard that prevented travel and homebound thousands, my father was in Texas. Screwing around as my mother puts it. Though after hearing the news, he was home in two days. Being a month early was a little surprise.

I don’t remember much about the early years. I know all through my life, no matter what my father worked. He did whatever he could do to provide for the family. He worked long hours at factory jobs that didn’t pay great, and he was dissatisfied with the work he was doing. He would come home and mow the lawn, (my folks were lawn nazis) take his shower, eat, watch some TV and go to bed.
Eventually he got a job driving for a package delivery company that he liked, and he settled down more.
We were never close growing up, my father and I. He was emotionally distant, and while it never bothered me at the time, I look back now and miss the time we could have spent together. He was a busy guy on the weekends, working with his brothers on cars, working on the lawn, running. And it’s funny the things you never noticed when you were growing up, my father was a weekend drinker, he drank two cases or more each weekend, and would drive here and there. As we got older, he would turn on a side road and let us drive. We just thought that was cool, not that he was too impaired to drive.

When he called me with the news that he was leaving my mom two months before my wedding, my world fell apart. I had always based my relationships on the great love I thought my parents had. I’ve come to terms with my father and my now step mother, but it seemed like a betrayal on so many levels.

When you’re a kid, you look up to your parents, when you’re a girl, usually more to your father. And I put him right on a tower. Finding out he was a weekend alcoholic, part time coke head, cheater, and more brought him down to a human being in my eyes. We’re closer than ever now, and we talk at least once a week. I love my father, and today is the day we celebrate our fathers.

I know it looks like more bad than good, but there was a lot of good stuff too.

Sorry about the quick post guys, I have two people waiting for me to get over to the other house to unload another truck.
I’m hoping to get back this week, but if I don’t have a great week! And moving sucks!

2

First! WOOHOO!!!

ETA: Tagfree I’m glad you and you’re father have a better relationship now. My dad has been gone for four years and I still miss him.

And you’re right… movin’ sucks!

3

Just saying “hi”!

Nice OP-- relationships with our parents are complicated at best…

4

Interesting and very honest OP, Tagfree. In a similar vein of honesty, I will say that I really and truly didn’t like my father very much when I was growing up. He had a nasty temper and was very argumentative and dictatorial, and I was actually physically afraid of him on numerous occasions. What was worse, my mother would let him make decisions about punishing my sister and I even when she knew he was wrong. (She now regrets this, fortunately.)

When I grew up, I discovered just how messed up my father was from his upbringing. (Yes, shit flows downhill.) His mother, who turned into a darling little old ancient lady, was a scary tyrant when she was younger, and what’s worse, her MIL lived with them and she puts scary tyrants to shame. Fortunately, she died long before I was born, but just looking at photos of her creeps me out. But between the two of them, plus my sports-loving grandfather with my father being entirely nonathletic, my poor father grew up never good enough, never smart enough, and never worth it. [/Stuart Smalley] That can really mess up your life.

He finally started some long-term counseling after I was grown and gone, which started out great – and then, interestingly, as he became honest about his past behavior and started changing, my mother apparently didn’t like it so started sabotaging his counseling, so subtly that I’m not sure his counselor ever actually caught on. She ended up in a total role reversal – from her being (or at least acting) all dependent on him when I was growing up, he ended up completely dependent on her, at first emotionally and then physically after he developed Parkinson’s. I will say this for her, though – she took that “in sickness or in health” part seriously, and nursed him 24/7 for 15 years, until shortly before his death.

In his last few years, as dementia started setting in, he actually became a very sweet man. I was with him when he died, and it was a moment I will never forget and am very grateful to have had. He was so scared; so I started singing to him because he had always loved music. And then their minister came in, and she had the most beautiful singing voice, so we sang hymns in duet to him until he breathed his last. That was a powerful gift he gave me right at the end, letting me comfort him at the moment of his death.

Today, my mother displays some of his most annoying traits, which we all find strange and peculiar and truly, deeply obnoxious; and we can’t call her on them or she starts crying. Since she’s 87, we’ve all accepted that just biting our tongues is really the best way to deal with it. She doesn’t have his nasty temper, so she’s nowhere near as difficult to deal with as he was at his most annoying.

I did get a lot from my father, though, and I’m far more like him in some ways than my mother, and it’s not all bad – he gave me his love of classical music and of literature, for example. But the most important thing I learned from him (and my mother) was what I did not want to do as a parent; so I tried very, very hard not to make the same mistakes with my kids that my parents made with me. They weren’t bad parents, certainly not after hearing some of the horror stories here on the Dope; I also learned some good parenting skills from them, and I’ve used those. But I was very conscious of what to be selective about, and snowbunny, at least, has assured me on numerous occasions that I have succeeded pretty well. That is a lovely feeling, to receive that validation from your grown child!

I think my father be proud of me today. He wanted to be a happy man, he just never knew how to. It’s a shame they didn’t have the good antidepressants when he was alive that they do now; his life might have been completely different. Today I don’t have the deep anger towards him that I once did; when I finally realized what he had been up against growing up, all that anger melted away. Today I feel sorry for him, that he truly didn’t have a chance at emotional health.

It’s amazing how much of our selves are tied up with our parents, whether good, bad, or indifferent, isn’t it?

5

Nice OP. And good luck with all those boxes!

I’d write a long tribute/diatribe to my Dad, but I don’t wanna. Not because he doesn’t deserve both, but because it’s been a month of intense emotions for me and I don’t want to go there today.

I am irked right now by my crazy neighbor who is mowing the lawn on his tractor, even as it rains. God, I hate guys who worship their lawns.
I did end up going over to my inlaws–Daughter and I rode our bikes since it took $62 to fill up my tank today. :eek: I had a nice time, but I don’t belong there. I do wish TH would find an apartment and we could tell the kids and be done with this.

Off to get stuff with #1 son soon–he leaves for Oz on Tuesday.

6

Very nice, OP TagFree. I also really loved what **MT ** wrote about her father.

My parents divorced when I was in third grade. It was a nasty, bitter divorce, made worse by the fact that there was another woman.

At any rate, through all the rest of my growing up years contact with my father was sporadic. I thought I hated him, but looking back on it, I just hated the fact that my parents were no longer together. After the divorce, my mother rarely had anything good to say about my father and that probably poisoned my mind too. It’s very sad when I think about it.

I reached adulthood and realized that I wanted contact with my father, my half-sister and my stepmother. So, I started reaching out and so did he. We have a good relationship now and we both understand each other extremely well. We don’t feel the need to call each other every other day and we enjoy each other’s company immensely. I really do love my stepmother and my half-sister. My Dad and stepmom now live here, so we can see each other more frequently. My Dad and I both roll our eyes at my mother’s foibles and can laugh about them together.

I better check my meat sauce for the lasagne now.

7

Subscribing, off to work.

Yes, I’m working tonight. Sunday desk monkeying. Let’s see if I catch another IM prankster tonight…

8

Well, good news and bad news. Grandma’s ok. She had flour, it was just in a small unmarked canister as opposed to the one marked flour. :stuck_out_tongue:

And then there’s my dad who has turned into a moody teenager. He was upset that the time for dinner got moved from 2:00 to 12:30 or 1:00 so when I called him at 1:30 to see why he wasn’t here, he got mad at me (even though I wasn’t the one who changed the time). He said that he was told 2:00 so he’d be here at 2. :rolleyes: Well, we all hadn’t really started yet anyways, so we waited until 2 and started. Guess when he showed up? 2:40. So, yeah, happy father’s day. :rolleyes:

9

I just gave up on last week’s MMP, so I’m kinda glad this started early. I had a great time with my dad. He was a very public figure in our town, and busy a lot. My mom now likes to make points about how he was out a lot and tells people he missed so much of us kid’s lives.

Nope. Dad stepped in and coached my 7th grade basketball team when the coach got hurt. He used to show up at track practice when I was in HS, and just sit in the stands and watch. Yeah, at practice.

At night when he came home from another meeting, he’d make popcorn and we’d sit around and watch Benny Hill or something.

I went on a cruise with some friends 24 years ago, I literally walked in the door with the eventual Wife and said ‘hey, look what I brought home from the cruise!’ Mom looked delirious and was NOT pleased. Dad got up from watching the baseball game, came over and gave her a hug.

I miss dad.
So, we have all the curtains, valences up in the living room. The quilt hanging on the wall, and the ceiling fan replacing the Hideous Chandelier.

Uh…I think that’s about it.

10

And, I just got an order for breakfast in the morning… Off to work with me. :frowning:

11

My dad was never one to show affection when I was growing up. He came from an uber-religious sect in Iowa…marry outside the faith and boom, you’re disowned.

My mother was his third wife. They divorced when I was in college and he’s been living with this perfectly delightful woman for the past 20 years or so. She’s outgoing, friendly, a fabulous cook, and will give you the shirt off her back. She’s also mellowed my dad out a lot…the first time he ever told me he loved me was when I was in my mid-20s, and I put that squarely at her feet.

He’s a great dad, adores his grandchildren, has a incredibly dry sense of humour, and is currently (thank God) healthy enough to go RVing every summer. This year they’re working in West Yellowstone, Montana. They’ve been to Alaska, New Hampshire, Virginia, Colorado, Wyoming…hell, one year, he didn’t come home for Christmas…he was working a Hickory Farms kiosk at a Las Vegas mall.

I don’t think any dad is perfect. But my dad did the best he could, and I think my step-mom (they’re not married, but that’s how I think of her) brought him the rest of the way.

12

It’s 1 AM here. Why and I up? Oh, right, because I’m working… :rolleyes:

At least it’s not that bad – I’m finished for tonight, posting here and going to bed.

TagFree, that was a powerful OP. And some interesting stories followed, too.

No specially good or bad stories to tell about my father (may he continue to live long and healthy!) – he was married for 45 years until my mother passed away last September.

Shouldn’t we be hearing from our correspondent in Seoul, already?

**Beebs **-- how are you doing? That post of yours in the other MMP was scary! :eek:

13

I think our Seoul correspondent just landed an hour ago, if her flight was on time, so I guess this once we have to give her a little leeway on reporting in. But this had better not be a Mumper precedent!

:smiley:

14

I miss my dad - he passed away Sept 1997

He was a good dad, even tho not always emotionally available. He was of the “do as I say, not as I do” school of parenting. We didn’t always get along, but the last two years of his life, after I bought this house and he lived in the apartment, we repaired a lot of the damages from the past.
There are moments, even now, when I experience something I know he’d appreciate, when I say to myself “I’ve got to tell Dad about that”.
I’ve spent most Fathers’ Days in the last decade by myself thinking about him.

15

The Google ad is for the TLC foreskin restoration kit - the perfect Father’s Day present.

I missed days of the MMP and am drifting off to sleep right now, so I’m just going to post here.

I just got back from a trip to Little Rock, the UnderBear party was fun, but I’m real tahred right now.

Ugh tahred.

16

Nice Father’s Day tribute, TagFree; relationships with parents can be very complicated - especially girls with their Dads.

I’m the only girl, with four (younger) brothers, so sometimes felt overwhelmed. My relationship with my Dad has definitely had it’s ups and downs through the years, but a little over 5 years ago, when my Mom had terminal cancer, he stepped up and helped out quite a bit. My parents had divorced in 1978 after 27 years of marriage, and it was a very acrimonious divorce. Mom was very angry and upset with Dad, and vented to the kids whenever she could, unfortunately. Even as she was dying, she was still angry with him, but she finally let go of the anger.

My Dad has lost the sight in one of his eyes, and is almost 79; he just moved into a retirement home of sorts and while the whole experience of selling his house and moving was very traumatic, once he moved in, he adjusted quite quickly and seems to be getting along just fine. He -finally- retired for good at the end of 2007–he’s worked, sometimes 2 and even 3 jobs, most of his adult life; the last 12 years or so, he’s had a part-time ministerial position. So now he can hopefully enjoy himself. I love my Dad and am happy that we have such a good relationship. :slight_smile:

17

I just gave my Dad a hug, for all you guys missing yours today. He’s been a really great Dad. He used to take us fishing all the time. He was very into my brother’s sports, and I got to hang out with him on the bleachers, which was a good time for him and me! He taught me how to grill a steak. We had a tradition of Saturday night being steak night (Mom’s night off from cooking) and we (my brother and I) would hang out with him.

We took him out for Chinese last night, and tonight I’m making fried chicken for him - his favorite. Maybe Chicken Fried Steak is his favorite, I dunno. If it’s fried, it’s his favorite! :slight_smile:

Gotta go. See y’all later - or maybe tomorrow.

18

Since we’re talking about Dad’s, I’ll throw in a bit of my story.

We get along well now–we talk every couple of months or so and text often. He hates talkin’ on the phone most of the time, but is a maniac with the text messages. But, it was rough growing up. Mostly I think it’s because my Dad really wasn’t prepared for me. How could he have been–he was 16 and by the time he found out about me, I was already born. He also didn’t really have a father. My Grandma was divorced when Dad was about 6. (Her ex was abusive in just about every way.) As a matter of fact, we send my Grandma Father’s day cards, because my Dad always said that she was both his Mom and Dad. Anyway, my Dad didn’t know what to do with a kid. I think we understand each other now, though.

All day long I’ve been hearing what sounds to me like a crying puppy outside. :frowning: I can’t find it though, if that’s what the sounds are.

Beebs are you there?? Please post update. I emailed you too.

19

Rebo whatever you make tonight (and who can argue with fried chicken :smiley: ) will be your dad’s favorite because you made it for him. Oh and the hug… now that was jake. Made me feel good.

I look like my mother’s side of the family. I act like dad. I know I’ve mentioned this before but dad could see right through anything we (that’s three bros, a sis and me) tried to pull off. We called it THE LOOK. My sis and bros swear I have THE LOOK. I’ve had many people tell me that I can see through any bs I hear. Maybe I do have THE LOOK. I guess that’s dad’s gift to me. It was tough seein’ my dad go through Alzheimer’s. In the end, sad though I was, I was glad that he didn’t have to deal with that anymore.

Ok, enough serious…

CutiePie hey, at least it’s profitable, right?

donkeybear tired after a bear party is a good thing. :smiley:

20

My dad’s been gone almost 6 years now. I can’t remember the last time I spent a Father’s Day with him, but I always called… OK, except for 1983 when I was in Sicily and couldn’t call, but I probably sent him a card.

When I was a kid, I thought Dad could do anything. Heck, I didn’t understand why he wasn’t President because I thought you got to be President by being the best man in the country, and I thought he was pretty darn close. But I remember vividly the day I realized that I knew something he didn’t.

I’d come home on leave from my electronics training in the Navy. He was installing a 3-way light switch in the basement and he couldn’t figure our why it wasn’t working. I looked at the schematic on the package and saw exactly how it had to go, and I fixed it for him. I was glad I could help, but a little unnerved to discover that he didn’t know it all.

He’s the reason I took up the accordion. He played for over 60 years - he had an amazing ear - I got that from him, as well as my mechanical aptitude. And he’s a large part of the reason why I joined the Navy. I was working for him part time in the office. In those days, a new hire off the street got $95/week. I’d been there part time for 3 years, and while I wasn’t any kind of expert, I thought I was worth $100 a week. He wouldn’t give it to me. So I enlisted. I’m so glad he said no to my pay demands. :smiley:

When I was in boot camp, he sent me a most amazing letter, saying how proud he was of me and how he’d wanted to pass me a note saying so just before I got on the plane, but he chickened out. Sadly, somewhere along the line, I lost that letter.

He died in Texas - he and Mom were driving to San Diego to catch a cruise ship to Hawaii for their 50th anniversary. From what Mom said, it was quick and sudden, and he was gone. The last time I talked to him, he’d called to say my husband had left his jacket at their house, and I told he we’d get it the next time we came up. The next time we went there was for the funeral.

He was 72 - same age that his dad died.

I really miss him.

So, is it as hideous as my hideous chandelier was??