HELP —How can we compel my niece to come back to her family?

In My Humble Opinion
61

I understand your plight, B Serum. If it were my close sister who was going through the sorrow of losing everyone around her, I’d want to do something about it too.

But you should try not be frustrated with your niece right now. Just focus on being there for your sister and assuring her that you’re still in her life. Your niece off ties for reasons that aren’t clear to you, but that doesn’t mean these reasons are invalid nor does it mean that they are permanent.

Both your sister and your niece have been through a lot. Here’s hoping that they both can get passed this grief.

62

I think YOU are missing that point.

Otherwise why would you create a thread asking how you can “compel” her to have contact with you?

63

I once read somewhere that mother-daughter is the most complicated relationship known. My own experience confirms this.

The hard facts are that this is for mother and daughter to work out, or not, between them. You have no place in this. What’s really gone on, you are not even privy to. That should tell you everything you need to know.

Further, there is nothing you can do that will not completely backfire on you. Because she is an adult, gets to set her own boundaries and you can only choose to respect them or not. I hope you’ll choose to respect them out of love and compassion.

You cannot possibly know your niece’s pain or suffering, what she’s struggling with. It would be kind to prioritize her suffering at least on equal with your sister’s. In recognizing that, it becomes clearer still that it’s between them alone to resolve in their own time and way, without interference.

I appreciate that your sister suffers, as a result of this but, in the end, you cannot push a rope. She’ll come back around, or she won’t, and it appears that there is little either of you can do about it, but live with it. So I would suggest you focus on getting your sister to recognize this. She may not come back around for years, or, possibly never. That’s harsh, but it’s the reality and you both need to grasp it.

If, in your estimation, the mother daughter relationship was healthy/solid enough to warrant reestablishing sometime in the future, then have faith that you’re right. If you’re right, then in some few months - few years, most likely she’ll come back around.

The mother should be using this time apart to own her part in things, (we all have some ownership in our ‘things’!), and reflect on how she could have been of better aid to her daughter’s needs, whatever they were, in my opinion.

In the end seeking love from someone who is reticent to give it, is a bit of a fool’s errand. Like seeking ‘true love’. You don’t seek true love, you seek to be worthy.

64

I’ll also add: the pressure of “Why won’t you talk to MEEEEE???” can be way too much to cope with if you’re just trying to get through the next day without having a meltdown. Even trying to be helpful (“Do you need to talk? I’m here to talk if you need me. Do you want to talk about it? We can talk about it together. We should talk about this…”) can be just about the worst thing to do. Or, just being around family triggers bad memories; after all, she was, presumably, surrounded by family (at least her mom) when the abuse was going on, whether you, or mom, knew about it or not. Can you not see how that would seriously screw up her familial relationships?

And in fact, none of this makes any assumptions about her mom or anyone else being complicit in the abuse, or even that your niece thinks she was. That may not be the issue at all; but there are plenty of other reasons why it’s too painful, and detrimental to her healing, to have any of you around right now.

She needs space. Respect that. Let it go. It’s not about you. Nor is it about your sister (she needs to get her own therapy if she needs it, separate from how her daughter works through everything). Nor is it about you by proxy of your sister.

Honestly, it seems to me that both your sister and your niece are incapable of supporting each other right now, because they need more than they can give. They’d be better served working on themselves, by themselves.

65

Your sister failed this child and you act like you and sister are the only ones hurt. You don’t give a shit about your niece and her needs. It’s all about you. Your niece doesn’t need her mother and she doesn’t need you. The price of entitlement in your family is just too much. You really should read this thread over again to discover just how damn self-centered you and your sister are.

66

The fact that you’ve already completely dismissed the possibility of your sister sharing any of the blame on what happened to your niece should be reason enough to figure out why cutting off all contact is necessary.

67

If she is well-adjusted, smart, mature for her age, then my money would be on the fact that this estrangement is best for her.

It’s sad that it hurts your sister, especially if she is innocent in all this, but as a parent I’d have to say that I’d rather suffer a broken heart than have my kids do something that isn’t in their best interests.

Your niece is an adult, and her choices are hers to make. We don’t owe family our presence.

68

You seem to be saying that your sister has a right to have contact with her daughter. If that is what you are saying, I disagree. No matter how sad her circumstances, she doesn’t have that right. I suspect that this way of thinking is foreign to you.

You seem to be concerned about the “open-ended” nature of this no-contact policy, but I don’t see where you have said how long it has actually been. Therapy can take a very long time before it starts to kick in and have beneficial effects. I was in therapy for two years, and I didn’t have anything traumatic like the sexual abuse she may have suffered.

By all means, be there for your sister, as I’m sure you are. But neither your sister nor you has any claim on your niece’s time or attention. Kinship is not a lien.
Roddy