My niece just attempted suicide

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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Just 17, she’s 18 at the end of summer. A quiet girl, a classic introvert, but thoughtful and kind. The last time we met was back in 2011. I had flown in from Tokyo to Dallas for business and went out to visit the family. Emily (not her real name) and your younger brother Zack (ditto) have also loved their uncle Tokyo, and this trip was no exception. I took them out separately and bought them early Xmas presents. Zack wanted to go to the game center. Emily wanted a movie. As we drank our lattes at Starbucks, I couldn’t believe how much more mature she had gotten in the previous two years.

She’s a good pianist, she loves horses and reading. Really a great girl.

Apparently she’s on antidepressants and benzos, and had been stockpiling them. She took a nonlethal dose and was discovered in time. She had written suicide notes. After a stopover in the ER she was admitted to a psych ward for teenagers. She should be home soon.

I don’t have any further information.
In The Last Lecture, Randy Pausch comments that he won the parents lottery, he was so fortunate to have been born into his family.

Anyone who is born into my extended family is not so lucky. I’ve talked far too much about the generations of abuse and dysfunction. Out of the five of us children in my family, one brother and one sister were simply too crazy to reproduce.

Of the rest, the oldest brother married someone who made him look sane by comparison. He cut off contact for several decades and only reemerged after I was long gone out of Dodge. I have no contact with him, but only hear that the cycle did not end with him. It doesn’t sound like his now grown children are getting much help.

Anyone can search my history. I struggle. I hope that It will turn out well for my children.

On paper, my sister seemed to be doing the best. Yes, she had her years of depression and suicide attempts, but she met a man 19 years ago who seemed to give her new focus.

Unfortunately, I could never really deal with him. Ultra conservative, racist, old school Texas boy; he hated liberals, Democrats and atheists. As I am all three, dinner conversations were strained at best.

Extremely opinionated and controlling, he’s the split image of my father. Well, except he isn’t abusive. He had two children from previous marriages, and the two with my sister. He has no good relationship with any of his kids.

I’m estranged from my sister. Our family history got between us, so I hear the news from my mother.

I’ll wait a bit for things to settle down and then will email her. I was her favorite uncle, and I’ll see if we can reconnect.

Nature or nurture? I don’t know. My wife and I talk a lot about the need for us to keep a watch out on our kids as they grow.

It’s fortunate that she has another chance. I hope that her parents can manage to help.

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I’m sorry.
I wish your niece the best and hope she gets the help she needs

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I hope it all turns out well for her. I’m happy she has you.

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I’m sorry. I know things are hard and we hate it when they’re hard for someone we care about, too. Please keep up your good work and don’t let sorrow in. Your being there for her will mean a lot.

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I’m sorry - you and your family are in my thoughts.

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I’m sorry, TokyoBayer. I hope that things will go as well as they can, and old bad patterns will be broken.

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Thanks everyone. I’ll update if there are any developments.

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I’m sorry to hear about this. I’m glad that your niece is still alive.

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<anecdote>
A few weeks ago, I was at a meeting for a charity that helps kids deal with tragic losses in their lives. One of the speakers - a 21 year old girl, talked about her journey after having several close relatives die. She started cutting herself, and tried to commit suicide twice.

Since then, she’s found help, learned to talk about it, is on the verge of getting her AA degree, and looking forward to life. She seems to have found her way past it.
</anecdote>

I hope your niece finds a way to move forward as well, and lives a long and happy life.

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I am so glad that she such a great uncle looking out for her. Especially since she has a dodgy relationship with her (difficult) father, I hope in future she will manage to spend some time with you. You can never magic people into being undepressed, of course, but perhaps it will make a difference.

My fingers are crossed for her future and her happiness.

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All this. You can only be there for her and be supportive… but also remember that people in such a depressed state are often incapable of making decisions and reaching out. Telling her “I’m here for you, come and visit me anytime, call me anytime” doesn’t always translate in a concrete way. It’s very hard to look outside yourself in that situation. Please consider action over talking whenever you have the chance - does this make sense? Show up, grab her hand and say “let’s go, pack your bags”, or tell her “I bought you a ticket, you are flying here in 2 days” be pro-active and take charge when/if you can. IME, people become paralyzed, unable to make decisions or take the hand that is reaching out to them.

Almost 30 years ago, my mother said to me on the phone “I’m coming to get you right now” and immediately drove 4 hours to take me away from college when I was falling apart. If she had said “do you want to come home?, do you want me to come out there?” I would have said NO. NO WAY! I had a great family, loving parents and I was still drowning and not yelling for help. I needed to be rescued. My parents have rescued me a few times over the years and my husband has rescued me at least twice. When I fall that far and that fast, I am incapable of reasonable thought, or asking for help, or remembering that this is just a bad episode and I can get through it. I need someone to grab me and pull me to the surface. Obviously, I don’t know if she feels the same way I did at 19, but I know what saved me more than once and maybe that experience can be useful to you or others. All the best for all of you.

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That sounds good. Sort of like a version of tough love.

The only question is does Tokyo have the time? It sounds like he travels alot and just 1 or 2 visits might not be enough. What your talking is practically having the kid move in with you and that just might not be possible.

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I’m glad she didn’t succeed in killing herself. Hopefully, her suicide notes will provide some insight into a way to best help.

Best wishes to all of you Tokyo.

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I think you would help her most by helping her look for a university away from home (or a job and apartment once she graduates, if she’s not planning on going).

If your relationship with her is strictly long-distance, email is great for that. Does she have privacy in terms of email access? If she doesn’t, maybe set up a gmail account for her when you and she are spending some time alone together. Tell her not to ever access it from her home computer. Help her look for schools and educate her about student loans. You escaped abuse, you know the sitch. Give her some hope for the future. If this involves subverting your sister or her shitty husband, good.

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Sorry about that Tokyo. When I saw your thread title I wondered what role genetics and the cycle of abuse played in your niece’s situation, and after reading your post I realized you were already working on that problem.

I’d say its a mix sadly, genetics plus learned behavior.

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Yes, you’re right, but if there’s the chance for a visit occasionally, getting her out of her surroundings for even a couple of days can give someone the chance to breathe and see a glimpse of another perspective. While it is very hard to support someone like this from far away, even just initiating phone calls and emails is often useful - rather than hoping/waiting for the person to call when she needs to talk. Taking initiative goes a long way. :slight_smile:

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TB lives in Taiwan. The niece lives in the US (Utah?). The “grab her for a visit” thing is kind of complicated, in their case.

A +1 on Rachellelogram’s post, and my best wishes as usual for you and your extended family, TB.

(Is a Rachellelogram a Rachel-shaped figure?)

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Hope everything works out. Beyond that I don’t have much to add.

If it’s of any comfort, you at least pass for normal for an hour or so a breakfast. :wink: FWIW, It was good meeting up with you that time in Taipei and you were definitely flying on an even keel.

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Yes, TokyoBayer is definitely on my list of Inspiring Dopers Who I’d Love To Meet If I Won The Lottery And Could Travel. We’re all sending supportive good thoughts and encouragement your way!

20

Thank you everyone.

Let me give some more background information.

Two years ago, my mother moved out to Georgia where my sister “Mary” and her family live. Mom found a house a couple of minutes away from Mary and her family.

Mary and Mom both handle things by not. Not talking about it and avoiding conflict whenever possible.

According to Mom, Emily is back from the hospital and “is fine” which is the point in the conversation in which I want to pull my hair out and scream into the mic:

"No Mom! Emily is not “fine.” People do not attempt to take their own life simply because they were bored and though it would be fun. Something really, really rough is going on, and she’s putting up a brave face.

“You can say, ‘She seems fine.’ Or, ‘She’s pleasant and her eyes have a sparkle.’ but you cannot simply say she is fine.”

Mom never figured out how to deal with tough things. She doesn’t know how to navigate around the break between my sister and I, so I suspect she feels even more uncomfortable discussing this.

Any questions I ask get simple “yes” or “no” answers. It’s just so frustrating dealing with her.

Anyway, so my niece is “fine.” :rolleyes:

The good news is that they will start her in therapy.

As I live in Taiwan now, I can’t drop everything and fly over there.

Emily is diabetic, and her parents are very protective of her. With the break between Mary and I, then I don’t think they’ll allow it.

I’ll let things calm down for a while then will ask Mom to give Emily my email address. I think she has her own account and she does have access to a computer at my mother’s place.