My girlfriend has taken some steps toward reducing her weight. She is taking 2 PE classes (yoga and circuit training) and is on Weight Watchers. She had been laid off from work a while ago, and has used the extra time from being unemployed to study for school and go on walks.
I am very supportive of her weight loss. However one thing has always made me uncomfortable- I don’t want to imply I want her to lose weight because I think she is ugly at her current weight. The concept seems very superficial and shallow. Yet at the same time I feel that she would look, and feel better if she lost weight. Sometimes I worry that I go overboard.
See, up until recently she had a couple of abortive attempts at diet and excersize. She would start for a few weeks, then something would happen (drama at home, illness, etc) which would cause her to simply give up. I would get kind of upset that she would just so readily give up.
So where do I draw the line? How can I be supportive enough to encourage her to see this through to accomplish her own goals in terms of fitness/weight, without pressuring her to the point of her giving up and not caring what she looks like?
Honestly, you need to ask her this question yourself.
I say that because some people need a Food Cop, and others resent it. She may want you to say “are you really going to eat that?” and act as her conscience. However, she may also be like me and want to slug you if you suggest that.
You can start by not bringing foods that are problematic for her into her area (don’t know if you live together or not). If you want ice cream, that’s cool, but if that’s her problem food, go out to Baskin Robbins and get a scoop by yourself, rather than bringing home a pint to store in the freezer.
Eat healthy right along with her. I don’t know if she cooks, or if you do, but if you guys share cooking, cook healthy, and encourage her to try new stuff. Everyone, regardless of weight, can stand to eat a little bit healthier. And if the food she’s got tastes like shit, then she’s not doing it right. She won’t have to eat “diet food”, she can eat real yummy stuff. You are welcome to eat the same, though you may choose to have larger portions than she will.
Overall, let her know that you think it’s great she’s trying to “better herself”. It’s not just about looking better, but it’s about being in control of her life, her diet, what she eats and her health. That’s the thing to focus on, not that she’ll be so much hotter when she’s skinner. She might slug you for that too, if she’s like me.
Don’t bring in previous failures to the discussion. It doesn’t matter how many times she’s tried and given up before. This may (or may not) be the time she gets serious. You don’t necessarily know if it is, but don’t remind her of the failures. And don’t let her know if you seriously doubt she can do it - she may surprise the hell out of you! Plus, she needs to be thinking positive, so if you do the same it’ll help.
You bring up a really good point, scout1222. Actually I really like all of your feedback so far. I do have to be careful not to bring up past failures, but at the same time it is extremely frustrating for me to see her try and fail, then complain how she is ‘invisible’ to people because of her weight. Sometimes it is hard to tell whether she is really taking things seriously or not.
One idea I had is when we move in together (December/January, if all goes well) that we are extremely particular about what groceries we buy. I’d like to commit ourselves to avoiding buying processed/junk foods as much as possible. Maybe limit the sweets to something we would have to make, like cookies or a pie. That way if we are hankering for a treat but too lazy to make something, we won’t be eating junk food- but if we really want it badly, we can make it ourselves.
If she ever seems somewhat interested in doing exercise together, always be enthusiastic. Things like going for walks together, maybe boating, playing Frisbee, etc. Don’t push her into things that are above her comfort level, though.
Regularly (but of course sincerely) compliment her on her looks and her accomplishments. Just make the extra effort to say out loud the good things you think about her.
Don’t pig out on junk food in front of her or tempt/ reward her with junk food. Rather than “Hey, let’s go to McDonalds” try “Hey, let’s go to the Farmer’s Market.”
Learn to cook tasty, healthy meals together. Don’t make a big deal about the healthy part.
Also, maybe realize that a big part of this for her is always getting back on the horse when she falls off, so to speak. If she gets sick or has family trauma, that will probably break down her willpower, and at that particular time she probably won’t be in the mood for you to criticize her eating or activity level. But when she’s over the crisis, help her just naturally drift back to her healthier ways.
When I turned 30 and was despairing a bit about my weight gain, Mr. S said something that not only moved me to tears but made me realize just what a prince I married: He said that if I ever decided to get on the wagon and lose weight, I should be doing it for myself and not for him. He loves me no matter what my size. He wants me to be healthy and happy with myself. If I lose weight, what would make him happy about it would not be having a slender wife, but having a wife who is happy with her body and her looks.
I think that part of my current motivation is that a man like that deserves to have a hot wife.
And of course he is supportive about our eating habits. We both like to strive for that. And he also understands when occasionally I have a sucky day and I just want a damn cookie. AND even though he’s not a “chubby chaser,” he can’t seem to keep his hands off my fat ass.
Incubus, I totally understand that it’s frustrating for you.
I work at a weight loss center, and have done so for about 7 years. In that time, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people join enthusiastically, get bored with it, quit, gain back weight, lather rinse repeat.
But since I did exactly the same thing, I always look on the bright side. It took me 3 legitimate attempts (plus several half-assed ones) before I got my shit together and was ready to do it. My mother, on the other hand, is 58 years old and it still hasn’t clicked with her.
IncubusChick just has to have the right mindset, want it for the right reasons, and be ready to change her habits for the long haul. Unfortunately for you, you can’t help with that. But since you’re here asking what you CAN do, I think she has a good partner in crime for whenever it’s the right time for her.
I lost a lot of weight last year and could not have done it without the support of my boyfriend. We live together and he completely embraced what I was doing.
He quit bringing junk into the house, the house was a complete junk free zone.
He cooked healthier foods (less cheese, less oil, less butter).
He switched to whole wheat pasta, whole wheat tortilla, brown rice
Let me pick restaurants so I could be sure I had healthy options when we went out
Told me I looked great all the time.
He never had to “food cop” me because I was 100% committed to weight loss, but I would have wanted him too.
Now that I’ve lost the weight and I’m maintaining, he’s doing all of the above to help me stay slender. Maintenance is exactly like weight loss - just as much work.
This is exactly the thing that is helping me. My husband doesn’t suggest we order in or get take away all the time any more. He doesn’t buy ice cream. Or if he does, he gets sorbet (fat-free) or the Dryers ½ fat slow churned stuff, but he always asks me first. He does everything on Glory’s list. He did not become the food police, he never said “are you sure you want to eat that”, he didn’t have to because none of that stuff was in the house.
It will help if you try to understand the Weight Watchers program. My husband took the time to understand how it works, and now he’s even started looking at the calories, fat and fiber in stuff he buys. He bought a different brand of whole wheat tortillas the other day because he noticed they had more fiber than the other brand and thought maybe that would mean fewer points per tortilla.
With his help and that of WW, I’ve lost 21lbs since May. A nice, slow, steady loss. I have more to go, but I know that with the kind of help he’s giving me, I can reach my goal.
Best of luck to your girlfriend and kudos to you for wanting to do your best to support her.
<slight hijack> Glory, did you ever drop that last stubborn 5 lbs?
Incubus, I forgot to add before that yer a peach and I hope IncubusChick realizes what a lucky gal she is. Tell her I said you’re a keeper.
And another thought on rereading the OP:
There’s a difference between giving up (temporarily) and backsliding. Does she go on binges when she hits these obstacles, or does she simply abandon her exercise routine, not eat as carefully, etc.? I “took a break” from the gym over the summer and managed to maintain what I did lose by getting exercise when I could, and although I enjoyed festive summer foods (more so than when I’m completely “on the wagon”) I didn’t overindulge.
So if she’s simply taking a break, don’t let her beat herself up just because she’s not actively losing. When I told my mom I was on a break from the gym and that I was holding steady, she said, “Well, OK, as long as you don’t let your self get too depressed about it.” She said that because it’s HER response to not losing fast enough; she invests way too much emotion in little fluctuations. It’s the overall trend that counts.
Also there’s no better workout motivator than having a partner depending on you to show up so you can “git 'er done”. Working out together is way fun. And it doesn’t have to be at a gym…
Biking
Hiking
Brisk walks
Leisurely walks
Racquetball
Tennis
Rock climbing
You could also join a class together, like yoga or kickboxing or even karate. My friend and I are both in karate and we love doing martial arts workouts together.
Whenever she comes over to visit (we live 2.5 hours away) we always go to a park near my house, walk for an hour, chase each other around, etc
She doesn’t go on binges, she just takes a ‘break’. I have good feeling about her current efforts, and like some folks have suggested I’m making plans to collectively watch what I eat.
I’m hoping that when we are living together it will be a little easier; both of us can encourage each other when one of us has a weak moment. It can be hard to turn a new leaf, but its a lot more feasable when there is someone there helping you see it through.
Once she loses a few pounds, make a subtle observance.
Slip your hands around her waist or over her hips and quietly, almost to yourself, say “hee-eeyy.” Then catch her eye and say “Well THIS” (cupping her bottom, squeezing her waist, etc) “feels different!”
Incubus, I just want to tell you good for you, for supporting her.
As for her ‘taking a break’: WW allows you 35 extra points per week to use however you want. If I want that piece of cake, I’m going to have it, and not feel guilty about it. I tend not to have it, though. I did really well on the program before the baby was born, and I’m back on it now.
My husband does the lion’s share of the cooking, and it’s been a big help that he knows what I can eat and what I can’t. He’s also said that he doesn’t worry about my weight at all - I’m what matters, not my size.
AND even though he’s not a “chubby chaser,” he can’t seem to keep his hands off my fat ass. 
