Help me De-Franciphy America

For those not familiar, Congress has finally fixed the number one social problem in America today. The names of French Fries and French Toast have been changed in order to preserve our sacred liberte’, egalite’, and fraternite’. I know I’m sleeping better already, and it’s not even bedtime yet.

So to do my patriotic duty, I’m taking a list of further names that we need to get rid of in order to send those Frogs back to hell where they belong. (I’m so tired of having to live my life under the thumb of French nominal domination!) Please help me out by supplying your suggestions as well:


Dijon Mustard = Twin Tower Yellowsauce
Grey Poupon = Gay Mayonnaise
Chardonnay = Grape Beer
Burgundy = Mt. Rushmore Red

The names of the following places must also be changed if we’re ever to be free:

New Orleans should be Mighty Mississipp’ City

Louisiana= Reaganiana

Baton Rouge= Huey Longport

St. Louis= Branson Missouri Too

Louisville, Kentucky= New Ho Chi Minh City

The Grande Tetons are now the Big Titties Nat’l Park

Smaller places with French names (e.g. Bon Secour and Bayou La Batre, AL) will be auctioned off to corporations for renaming, so expect WalMartville and Netflix City to be in the landscape in your near future.

Please to add, sils vous plez.

Menage Au Trois = Party Boink

Dagnabit! I was just getting used to “Liberty Cabbage”.

OK. French Stewart is now renamed Doug. Not “Doug Stewart” - just Doug.

french kiss = while “freedom kiss” is tempting, I say let’s reward our British allies and go with “snog”

(I have to add: if I go to a restaurant and find that they’re now serving “freedom fries,” I’ll leave immediately after rolling my eyes pointedly at the management.)

french tickler = Warren Zevon’s “Excitable Toy”

Well, I can only do the regular kind of braid in Michaels’s hair, but should I venture into a hairdresser’s with her for a new 'do, I think I’ll request a “Gordian Knot”, rather than a French braid. And my wife’s manicure will henceforth be known as a “WhiteClaws.”

I meant Michaela’s; not Michaels’s

A rendezvous will now be known as a “liberty meet-up”.

A maitre d’ will now be called an “uppity busboy.”

Francois = Jimmy Joe Bob
Paris, Texas = London, Texas

French bread shall now be referred to as “Jumbo Bread.”

In addition, the turkey is now called the gobblebird.

‘Family Affair’ will feature Buffy, Jody, Cissy, and Mr. Freedom.

San Francisco shall henceforth be known as San Ralphcisco.

When spotting someone’s underwear, children will now be required to say “I see London, I see Gdansk. I see Kimmy’s underpants.”

French salad dressing will continue to be called inedible.

resume = a jobber.
cliche = a done-heard-it.
chauffeur = fruity driver

And French Stewart better change his name soon…

So Larry Bird’s from Freedom Lick now?

D’oh! Didn’t see your French Stewart comment, Trion.

All French cheeses (Brie, Camembert, et. al.) will be renamed “stinky american”. And a croissant will be a “croissandwich with nothing”. If that doesn’t rile 'em, nothing will.

One good thing is that we get to rename hors d’oeuvre - never could spell it and reading it was nearly as bad.

Microsoft Word’s Thesaurus suggests “nibble”

croissants = bumpy doughnuts

From a co-worker:

entrepreneur = business major
laissez-faire = hey, whatever
je ne sais quoi = say WHAT?

Statue of Liberty to be outfitted in white sneakers, university sweatshirt, and baseball cap

Mine own:

The Marquis de Lafayette shall henceforth be referred to in all history texts as Dan’l Stoutheart, the courageous backwoods hunter who mysteriously showed up out of nowhere to lead his fellow Americans to several victories against the tyrannical British (who bear no relation whatsoever to the gallant freedom-loving Britons of today).

French Poodles shall now be called Curly-Haired Surrender Canines.