Help me deal with my picky girlfriend

In My Humble Opinion
201

I am sure that an infertile womon who is desperate to have children would say something similar about a woman who has an abortion. Or a man who can’t walk seeing people who sit around and watch TV all day.

Somewhere someone doesn’t have what we have. Do you think that people shouldn’t take advantage of their freedoms because someone else isn’t able to take advantage of those same freedoms and choices? Before you criticize others, look at your own life and your own choices. Make sure that there is something that you haven’t taken for granted. Then come back to us with your moral indignation.

202

This was an interesting quote to read. See, my husband is a “selective eater”. I gave up cooking for him long ago, about the Nth time I made dinner, he took one look at it, said “What’s in it? I don’t like that” and made himself a peanut butter sandwich.

So, I keep food in the house, and he feeds himself. There are a few kinds of foods he’ll eat, so when we actually have a family meal, I make those things. Otherwise, as I say, he’s on his own. It works.

But my parents have been badly offended when he has gone to their house and eaten nothing that was cooked, except maybe bread, or the vegetable, or whatever. They believe courtesy means he should sit down, shut up, and eat things. Period. Then again, my father felt my brother should eat cooked carrots even if they made him gag, and it never occurred to anyone to offer him raw carrot sticks instead. :stuck_out_tongue:

My husband thinks he’s being polite by simply declining to eat anything he might not like. They think he’s being rude by not at least trying whatever random food items they happen to have put together for dinner on any given random day. Me? I don’t understand the whole food thing. I’ll eat nearly anything. I cannot comprehend finding textures, tastes, whatever, so offensive that I’m afraid even to try something, just in case I might not like it. But I do believe that’s true for my husband. So…I do work around it. And we don’t eat at my parents’ house very often.

My father cannot comprehend that NOT eating might be a courtesy in someone else’s mind. Mom at least accepts it, and has tried to cater meals she knows my husband will eat, like frozen pizza. I made the comparison to her: How would you like it if you went to somebody’s house, and they inflicted music on you that absolutely grated on your very last nerve, and thought they were doing you a favor?

I confess, though…the spitting-out of peanut bits would have grossed me out. And that’s after 4 kids, when hardly anything can gross me out anymore.

203

This thread has largely devolved into two groups now:

Group one: All you picky eaters ought to grow up, and eat whatever’s put in front of you as long as it isn’t physically harmful, even if it makes you physically gag - and gagging is childish too - or feel nauseated - you ought to master it, you wussy - or saps every bit of enjoyment out of social situations involving food - because that’s polite. Dammit.

Group two: Why the hell is this so important to you? Leave us picky eaters alone already.

To the OP: As someone married to a picky eater, all I can tell you is this: separate food from the relationship. Eat what you like, and if you want to eat at a restaurant she won’t set foot in, treat yourself out sometime. Cook for yourself, and tell her what you’re doing and why. Let her cook and fend for herself and tell her this is so she can be sure to have what she likes. Her food happiness is not your responsibility. It need not be a dealbreaker, but you won’t likely ever see her change, either. So take it off the table, so to speak.

204

Misplaced, excessive indignation is not restricted to one side of this argument. I submit:

Yes, you are free to eat frozen pizza and Hot Pockets when someone has cooked you a nice dinner that you won’t even try because you don’t like the texture, or some fucking thing. I don’t think that makes you a martyr. Maybe you need to relax a little about food, is all.

Wow, not a distorted view of the conversation at all. :dubious: Yeah, all those poor, suffering picky eaters, everyone should just leave them alone. They’ve never ruined a meal or someone’s day or anything. They are the victims here. What? You said it yourself-- THEY often sap the joy out of any social situation involving food. It goes both ways. It really depends on who is behaving badly. It isn’t always the regular eaters. Please don’t twist the conversation solely to bolster your point.

I think Diogenes’ point was that people need to keep this whole food thing in proportion. Some people actually eat to live. Keep that in mind when you spit out someone’s home cooked meal because you don’t like the texture… Can you understand why someone who saw starvation firsthand might think that was a bit demented? I haven’t seen that, personally, but I still don’t get it.

And this whole “supertaster” thing doesn’t excuse you either. I came out as a supertaster in that survey too, and was a lot pickier when I was younger. Eating in college dining halls broke me of that; man does NOT live by bread alone, I found out. I challenged myself and now I pretty much eat anything that doesn’t screw up my GI tract or give me major moral qualms. It is possible to get past this, if you want to. If you don’t, fine, but you’re not going to get my pity unless someone was a dick to you about it, and that’s a different issue altogether.

205

Of course it isn’t. Sometimes it’s the picky eaters, making a big fuss about their expectations. And sometimes, it’s the regular eaters making a big fuss with their expectations. Yet there seems to be a fundamental and unbridgeable gap here, where there ought to be some sort of middle ground.

I think, ideally, both styles of eaters should communicate, when possible, to find one or more mutually agreeable food items to share. If this is not possible or feasible, the ‘picky’ eater should be prepared to fend for him or herself, to go hungry briefly, to bring his or her own food, or to eat beforehand, and to do so as unobtrusively as possible. And if that happens, the regular eaters ought to allow it to pass uncommented.

I don’t understand my husband’s experience of food at all. Yet I can’t deny that he does perceive and experience food in a way very different from the way I do. But this does not surprise me…he experiences many other things differently than I do. For example: He likes roller coasters and ferris wheels. I feel sick and terrified on them. (You can imagine how much “fun” our last trip to the amusement park was. I went on a couple of rides and hated every single one. I felt so guilty for not enjoying this thing he thinks is so much fun… I wanted to go home the whole time. He commended me for having tried them, but he would not have wanted me to keep doing them, hating every second.)

What if, for some “picky eaters”, being expected to eat and to politely fake enjoying it, would be like me and amusement park rides? If they say they can’t bear it…who am I to say “So what? Grow up? Get over it?” I can’t. And food might well be a daily issue for them, not a once a summer “treat”.

I do think it’s rude if a picky eater makes a fuss about food, and makes others dance around to accommodate them. I think it’s just as rude for a normal eater to make a fuss about food, and require others to eat food they find offensive in the name of “courtesy”. I think both of those things can sap the joy right out of a situation.

Now tell me how to bridge that gap?

206

I believe that it is quite different due to the fact that my example is easily rectified whereas yours take quite a bit of effort.

I don’t know about you, but that comes off a bit harsh. I’m talking about people who have a whole variety of food and for one reason or another choose not to eat it. Yes, there are medical, psychological and personal reasons for not partaking in certain foods, but it still boils down to our choice not to eat those foods. I was just stating the irony that we have an abundance of food and for again, one reason or another we choose not to eat those foods and limit ourselves. This isn’t a judgment, it’s a statement of fact. The rich have the luxury to be picky and the poor may be picky, but with less choices. In some circumstances, they have no choices.

I also admit that I do sometimes take my pretty comfortable life for granted. Don’t most of us? I’m not saying that one group of people stand on higher moral ground just because they have less to work with - where did you get that? I wasn’t criticizing, I was stating my observation from years of growing up next to kids in poverty. It was a casual remark, not a moral stance on this issue.

207

Who the hell spits out a meal at a dinner party? That isn’t a function of being a picky eater, that’s a function of being a rude asshole. A person who would do that would find a way to be a rude asshole some other way if food wasn’t at issue. The OPs post was not necessarily about picky eating, it was about a crude slob who happens to be picky about food and is unable to express it in a more polite fashion.

208

First, I have to say that this way of approaching the “I don’t like it” problem (which all of us have, to some extent) seems perfect to me. Do what you can – discreetly – to avoid things you don’t like, but if you’re a guest and presented with foods you don’t like, just do your best and eat something that’s been offered. Maybe even a little bit of the stuff you don’t like.

However, it’s this part that, like others, I find difficult to believe –

It’s food. Even if you don’t like it, you should be able to eat it without having to choke it down or throwing up on the table, unless you’ve got some diagnosed condition and the doc says “don’t eat these things.” If you are actually throwing up, then to me it seems there’s some medical problem that’s going unaddressed, either physical or psychological.

So, yeah, either –

– or seek treatment.

Yeah, there were a lot of us who went through the “I hate everything Indian” phase, but we grew up and got over that. Certainly we got over the “I won’t eat Indian food” phase before we decided we wanted to marry an Indian person.

209

Did you read the thread? People do it.

A lot of people use the food issue as an area for controlling what others do. I think they might really think that people who are not allowing them to control the food agenda are being assholes. Surely plenty of posters to this thread have tried to depict people who just want people to have a normal dinner with them as the victimizing villains.

I don’t think that’s what the OP was about at all. I think the OP’s girlfriend is young and not very well-versed in manners but wasn’t TRYING to be an asshole. I do think she might have some psychological issues that are being expressed via this food issue. She just isn’t hiding it as well as others.

210

And I still believe that some people have very real taste or texture issues (I usually gag on cold oatmeal, for example) that are not in their minds, not sufficiently “medical” to warrant intervention, and no, not always being used to control other people.

Telling people to “grow the fuck up and eat” simply denies people the reality of their experiences. I don’t know what those foods feel like in their mouths, how they experience the taste. Can most people eat habanero peppers? I can’t. I know there are people who can pop them like peanuts, and will happily tell you “They’re not that hot.” I have a brother who, as far as I can tell, does not experience pain like a “normal” person. He’ll casually or carelessly inflict pain on someone and then deny it hurts them when they protest, because it the same thing happened to him <em>it wouldn’t hurt him</em>. Therefore, in his mind, anybody who says it does hurt is a liar and a wimp. He cannot accept that someone else’s experience may differ and be just as valid as his own.

Why exactly must everybody experience food in the same manner? If somebody says a food is disgusting - even a food that most of us consider normal - why do we tell them it’s not? That’s absurd.

If somebody is controlling others via their food, then they’re acting like jerks. But that knife cuts both ways.

211

You’ve never had a food aversion, where you ate something and got sick later, and couldn’t eat that food anymore, perhaps to the point of nausea if you tried? Those are very common, not only in humans but in other animals as well- it’s an important defense against poisoning.

Food aversions aren’t a conscious choice- you can want to eat the food, but still get nauseous if you try.

212

I have eaten a food that made me gag. I sealed off my breathing and washed the liver meatloaf down with water – bite after bite until it was gone. I did it because I dearly loved the woman who had prepared the meal.

Most of the time I am too selfish to be that generous. I’m so picky that I just got around to trying cooked cabbage for the first time at age 62. Damn! It was good! I could see what I’d been missing all these years!

What she chooses to eat is her business. But it should be explained to her in no uncertain terms that if she doesn’t want to eat what is prepared for her, she must wait until she is alone (or there are just the two of you) and be responsible for getting her own food.

If you want to ask her as a favor to agree to try at least one bite of everything that is prepared for her, that is not asking too much. You can draw some conclusions about her willingness to compromise and follow through on promises by what she does.

If you want a life with her, you will work something out or adjust to it and not allow this to stand in the way. If you want a reason to opt out, she is rude to ask people to go to extra trouble.

213

I don’t think that this is actually the dichotomy that’s at issue here. It’s not “people who eat everything and expect everyone else to eat everything” as opposed to “people who will eat only a very few things (often prepared in specific manners).”

Sure, when Non-Picky Eater A and Picky Eater B decide to spend some time together and they both want to eat something and make that the focus of their activities, yes, of freaking course, they should communicate and decide on something that is mutually acceptable.

But that’s not the situation that some of us here are complaining about. We’re talking about these kinds of situations:

(1) A situation in which a group of people routinely eat together and the pickiness of one person always constrains the options for the whole group. On a day-to-day basis it becomes tiresome to have to go through such extensive negotiations. Sometimes you just want to say – “We eat at burger places all the time – why don’t we have Thai tonight?” – and have just everyone agree, even those who don’t particularly like Thai (I don’t particularly like Thai food, but if that’s what everyone wants to do, I’m happy to go along and I know I’ll find something that will suit me fine.)

(2) A situation in which a family group or a friend group often gets together at each other’s homes and food, while not necessarily the focus of the activity, is always part of the plan. However, the pickiness of one person routinely constrains the options of the group. Even if that person is polite and well-behaved, it’s part of the the politeness of the group dynamic to ensure that everyone gets something they like or at least don’t dislike. Someone with huge pickiness issues becomes a problem, even if they don’t throw up on the table or complain loudly about the food or act like the OP’s girlfriend. When you have to deal with such a person routinely – like Anu’s brother-in-law – it gets exhausting and frustrating. You can’t exclude that person from important events and you can’t eat while he eats nothing – that’s not what loved ones do – so you have to concede to that person’s limited tastes every time.

Part of being a grownup is ensuring that your particular tastes don’t become an inconvenience to your circle. And part of that is not drawing excessive attention to your food preferences.

Here’s a hint – if the people in your social circle can recite to you in detail your food dislikes, then you’re probably making a nuisance of yourself.

I, for one, don’t want to make a fuss. I just don’t want to have to be excessively concerned about a particular person’s food dislikes.

Once again, let me emphasize – everyone has food dislikes. I and others are not arguing that everyone is obligated to like everything. We’re talking about the kind of extremely picky eaters that have made themselves into a social problem.

214

And this has been going on for five years, has it?

215

I’ve heard that brains are better eaten fresh.

216

I’ve moved the post that brought this thread back to life to a new thread. Anyone wishing to continue to talk about picky eaters, go here.

Ellen