If we agree that the real problem is not being a picky eater, but the behavior that some picky eaters exhibit, then I have no arguments with that. Being rude, whiny, offensive, and generally difficult is a problem, and one that usually exhibits itself in more settings than the dinner table. I wholeheartedly agree that when someone is a picky eater, it is their burden, and they are socially and morally obligated to do their best not to anger, disgust, or otherwise irritate other people. I have never argued that a picky eater is right to twist their mouth in disgust and shriek “I’m not eating that shit!” I do think they are right to to inform a potential dinner party host that they are vegetarian/keep kosher/can’t eat broccoli/whatever, to avoid a situation where the picky eater is hungry and miserable, and the cook is offended that their guest isn’t eating their delicious pork chops. If said picky eater only has four meals that they’re willing to eat, then I think the only fair thing for them to do is to decline the invitation, with thanks and apologies. There’s no reason to make a big deal out of it, no need to say “I hate the things you eat.” Just say, “thanks, but I can’t” and leave it at that.
I also think that the relationship between the picky eater and the host is an important consideration. If I’m eating with someone who doesn’t know me well (business associate, fiance’s extended family, etc.), I’m much more willing to eat as much as I can stomach of something that I dislike. I’m still not going to eat a steak, but I’ll do my best and be very careful not to make a scene. If I’m with my close friends, my family, or my fiance, I’m more likely to insist on having something that I enjoy. These are people with whom I spend a lot of time, and I don’t want to have to choke down objectionable food night after night in order to maintain social graces. I’m going to be spending the rest of my life with my fiance - it is not fair for him to expect me to eat hamburgers (a common food that many people in my society enjoy) when I honestly can’t stomach them. With the people that I’m closest to, I expect them to make reasonable accommodations - dinner at a restaurant that has good salads and burgers, instead of dinner at a steakhouse. When they want to go to the steakhouse, I’ll wish them a good time and stay home with my tofu. Everyone wins.
[QUOTE=Jodi]
Frankly, I as a host or someone attempting to eat with you don’t really care if you “hate” the food or not, so, yes, my expectation is that, at the point you because a major, repeated PITA over it, you will “choke down food that you hate” – at least enough of it to avoid making a spectacle of yourself, being rude to the host, and embarrassing the person who brought you.
[/QUOTE]
I’m sorry, but I disagree with you here. I’ll do my best not to make a spectacle of myself, be rude, or embarrass the person who brought me, but I will not choke down food I hate. I will eat the food that I like, or even the food that I can tolerate, but I will not eat steak or hamburgers to make you feel more comfortable. This is my compromise. I don’t think that makes me a pain in the ass…and my instinct is that you really don’t either. As you point out elsewhere in your post, if I eat the side dishes and skip the meat, you think that’s okay. However, if you’re serving me a meal where there’s not a damn thing I can eat (very rare, but it happens), I’ll have an iced tea and make conversation. I won’t make a big deal out of it, I won’t draw it to anyone’s attention, and if someone asks why I’m not eating, I’ll make up a plausible and polite excuse (“I’m having blood work done tomorrow, and I have to fast for 24 hours.”) Personally, I think quizzing someone about their decision not to eat is rude, but it happens. If this offends you, then I’m sorry, but I not going to eat to make you feel better.
[QUOTE=Jodi]
And if in fact your food issues are so severe that you risk “thowing up on the table because you’re forcing yourself to eat food you don’t like,” then IMO you have a major problem that you might want to consider working on. Everyone gagged on bies of “yucky” food as a child, but you know what? It’s not like it’s a completely automatic response you have no control over. You train youself to choke down a few bites of foods you don’t like, in the name of politeness. And if you honest to go cannot even do that then by all means eat by yourself at home and spare your friends and family the unpleasantness of having to either (a) put up with you being rude or (b) having you yak all over the table.
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As far as I know, I do not have a psychological or psychosomatic illness that causes me to be a picky eater. I was not sexually or physically abused, I didn’t have toilet training issues or overly controlling parents. Is it possible that something’s wrong with me? sure, I guess. Does it bother me or the people that I spend time with enough that I’m going to try to change it? Nope. Nearly everyone in my life is perfectly happy with the way that I comport myself with food, including (and most importantly) me. Yes, sometimes I skip a night out to a restaurant, or I make alternative eating arrangements, or I ask if we can go to this restaurant rather than that one. Most of the time my friends and family are happy to compromise. When they’re not, I skip the event. It’s not a big deal.
[QUOTE=Jodi]
This is the part that frankly pisses me off. Your life is “too damn short” to trouble yourself to work to overcome a major social failing, that prevents you from participating fully in social situations without being rude about your “pickiness”?
[/QUOTE]
More and more, I suspect that we’re talking past each other. I truly don’t believe it’s a social failing. I don’t think that I am rude about my pickiness. I have a full and happy social life. I eat with friends all the time, and most of the time they don’t even notice that I’ve chosen a salad over a hamburger. When they do notice, it’s usually to tease me about my “rabbit food,” and with my close friends I don’t mind the teasing.
[QUOTE=Jodi]
I think you’re perfectly in the right to choose to “gracefully bow out of engagements that involve food” – because IMO you are suffering from an intentionally created (or at least, intentionally not overcome) social disability and it would be best for all concerned if you didn’t inflict it upon others. But then I don’t see why you’re bothering to defend someone who isn’t gracefully bowing out of engagements that involve food, but is instead ruining them with her food-phobic behavior. By your own description, this is not your behavior.
[/QUOTE]
First, I’d please ask that you not try to diagnose my “intentionally created (or at least, intentionally not overcome) social disability.” I’m not suffering at all. I don’t like certain foods, so I don’t eat them. End of story. I don’t see it as a social disability.
Again, I’m not defending anyone’s rude, offensive, or disgusting behavior. What I’m defending is a person’s right to choose not to eat a particular food, or a wide variety of foods, as the case may be. I take offense when people suggest that you starve a picky eater to teach them to eat anything, or that you sneak objectionable foods into their meals to trick them into eating what they don’t like. I find that sort of behavior incredibly rude and controlling. It doesn’t matter if they claim to like the food that you’ve tricked them into eating - forcing someone to eat something they don’t want to is WRONG. I am an adult, and I have the right to decide what I put into my body, for whatever reasons I might have. Encouraging me to try an unfamiliar food is one thing - forcing, tricking, or coercing me into eating something I don’t want is another. If I choose to choke down an unpleasant meal because it’s the polite thing to do, that’s fine, but it’s MY CHOICE.
[Quote=Jodi]
Frankly, I don’t care what you eat or don’t eat or where or when. But asking what’s being served before accepting a dinner invitation is rude.
[/QUOTE]
I disagree. I think asking beforehand avoids a later, more uncomfortable situation. Besides, if I have to be rude, I’d rather be rude on the phone with the person that’s inviting me, rather than at her table, in front of all her guests.
[Quote=Jodi]
Insisting repeatedly on only going to the two or three restaurants that serve stuff you like is rude.
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Agreed, but I believe that asking to go somewhere else when someone picks a restaurant that serves nothing I’ll eat is acceptable.
[Quote=Jodi]
Asking a host to make you something else is hugely] rude.
[/quote]
Agreed. I’ll do the best I can with what I’m served.
[Quote=Jodi]
Declining to eat the main course of ribs, because you’re a vegetarian or you just think ribs taste like ass, is not rude, so long as you’re quiet about it and content yourself with the side dishes, of which you eat enough to not make it obvious that you’re “not eating.”
[/quote]
Agreed.
[Quote=Jodi]
There’s picky, and then there’s picky. But regardless of where you are on the picky scale, don’t tell me you can’t help it; because that’s bullshit. I don’t eat shellfish. I don’t care for the taste of it, and I never have. If served a shellfish dish – not infrequent at celebratory occasions because shellfish is at least in the U.S. considered both “festive” and “expensive” – I will politely decline it if I can or take the minimum acceptable numbers of small bites if I can’t. But that is my hang-up, my choice, and is completely under my control.
[/quote]
Fine. Yes, I can help it. Yes, it’s under my control. I choose not to control it. I will not spend my life eating foods I don’t like to make everyone else’s lives easier. If that makes me a rude, insane, unreasonable bitch, so be it. I’ll be sure to politely decline any dinner to which you invite me, because as much as I may like you, your company is not worth my misery.
Really, I don’t think we disagree on most issues. I suspect that you think I’m ruder than I am, and I think you’re attacking my behavior more than you are. A picky eater must remember that she is the one with the problem, and should do everything in her power to keep it from inconveniencing other people. It is unacceptable to be rude. It is unacceptable to whine. It is unacceptable to be demanding. When someone serves you dinner, it is polite to eat as much as you can of what you’ve been served. If you can’t live within these social guidelines, don’t eat in social situations. I think the only place where we really differ (and forgive me if I’m wrong, or if I’ve misinterpreted what you’ve said) is that I don’t think I should feel obligated to eat something I find abhorrent (and I differentiate between what I mildly dislike and what I find abhorrent.) If my entire meal is filled with food I find abhorrent, I’m not eating, however rude you may find it. I find it rude that you didn’t care enough about my comfort to ensure that you served at least one thing I can eat. Why are you inviting me to eat with you if you have no interest in me enjoying myself? (Again, this is a general “you.”)
