If I’d been the girl you invited over, and hadn’t asked you what you were fixing ahead of time, there would have been an extremely awkward moment when I showed up for dinner. I don’t like bananas or maraschino cherries, and of course I don’t eat ham (even if I did like them, the kosher rules say that anything cooked with ham is not kosher, even if you don’t eat the ham).
With all due respect, for me this is not a melodramatic exaggeration. There are some foods I don’t like, but can stomach, and there are some foods that will quite literally make me gag if I accidentally eat them. It’s in everyone’s best interest to not have me gagging at the table, so I work hard to avoid that situation.
I was really hoping for something a bit more constructive. Grow up? Really? That’s your solution?
Anne Neville, I think your type differentiations are largely accurate, and like you, I think I’m more a type I. I will try something strange the first time I encounter it, as long as it doesn’t contain one of those “absolutely not” ingredients. I can usually accurately predict whether I’ll like it or not, but unless I’m already feeling queasy, I’ll give it a go anyway.
anu-la1979, you’re right - it does sound like I’m a bit more adventurous than your brother-in-law - but I still can’t imagine faulting someone for not liking certain foods. We’re all different, we all have predilections and preferences - getting angry with someone because their tastes are different from your tastes seems unreasonable to me. I can certainly see where it would be frustrating as all hell, but if I were in your position I can’t imagine expecting someone to spontaneously start liking a particular type of cuisine. If he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it, and all the anger and frustration in the world aren’t going to change that. Would you feel better if he ate it, even if you knew that he hated every bite of it? I’d feel guilty as hell for making someone eat something they didn’t like.
And, aruvqan…thank you! You sound like a delightful dinner party host!
He doesn’t not like it. Every single one of his “no” foods, when he’s been duped into it, has been swallowed. If we TOLD him it included it, there would have been sulky fits.
And yes, I do most definitely do expect him to like Indian food. On account of being raised on it until he started being a brat, married to an Indian woman raised on it, having a huge Indian social network, and being Indian himself. His objections to it aren’t even based on the taste they’re based on his hypochondria and only child personality. Everything else I can roll my eyes over, but this one is a huge, bratty inconvenience that makes his and his family’s (of which I am now a part), very difficult.
When I got divorced, I ate a lot of Mexican food. My ex wasn’t much of a picky eater, but after he went I discovered how much of my own diet had been catered to what he liked. It was YEARS before I had a Wendy’s hamburger after he left. Even when its the non-picky stuff, when two people are in a relationship and it impacts the food choices of one, it can be a big deal over time.
Kairos, I have lots of friends with food issues. Ranging from vegetarian to gluten intolerance. I don’t know anyone who can eat anything put in front of them without issues - sometimes preference, sometimes health related. What I expect them to do, and what I do myself, is make the best of the situation. If its pizza - ask for a personal pizza so you can have your sauceless and cheeseless pizza (I once had pizza with a woman who didn’t eat cheese, tomatos or wheat - pizza was her suggestion and she was a complainer - don’t ask about the trauma of that meal. We let her pick, the next choice for her was Olive Garden! Maybe, just maybe if you have dietary issues and are picking the restaurant, you might want to choose a restaurant that has something you eat at it.) I expect people to say “you know, Olive Garden isn’t a good spot for me - gluten allergies. Chinese works well.” I expect them to show up fed if they don’t expect to be able to eat out, so they aren’t sitting there saying how hungry they are and how we are depriving them of food because of our choice. And if they don’t show up fed, I expect them to own their own food issues - and not spoil dinner out for everyone else. I expect them to put forth gentle reminders when we are cooking for them, and offer to bring any specialty items. And I expect all of this because - with the exception of pizza girl (Thankfully gone from my life) they all do it.
I’ve been feeding these people (and they’ve been feeding me) for ten years - and - pizza girl the exception - there has not been one time where I’ve felt inconvienced over someone else’s diet, nor one time where I felt that myself or one of my friends had been rude regarding food.
Kairos, what you don’t seem to be getting, perhaps because you’re a bit defensive, as you yourself have admitted, is we all (with the exception of Diogenes the Cynic, apparently) make the distinction between someone who is expressing a rigid food preference in a mature manner, and someone who is a being a petulant fucking immature asswipe about it. A helluva lot depends on whether a person is using their “picky eating” as a passive-aggressive means of controlling others, and a lot of people do. You sound like you don’t, great. Then this discussion doesn’t apply to you!
Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying. :rolleyes:
You completely passed on the distinction between “loathesome garbage that is objectively guaranteed to make you sick” and “wholesome food that you don’t happen to like”, which is where your analogy between diamonds on the one hand, and dog vomit in a shitty diaper on the other.
Yup, I was definitely suggesting that someone ought to eat food that will make them physically ill or break a diet plan. You’re on a roll here.
You’re right that she shouldn’t be considered infantile for having different tastes, but then nobody was saying that she should. The infantile part is in having about four food items - not types of food, but specific items; not beef products in general but fast food chain burgers, only, for instance. That would be considered something that needed gently addressing in a toddler, never mind an adult.
Quite. And I and everyone else in this thread was spending so much time insisting that he ought to force her to grow up, too. :dubious:
Not to mention the planet-sized difference between refusing an offered dish because it will make you physically ill, which is entirely reasonable, and refusing an offered dish because it’s not your favorite, which is petulant.
No, it was a problem in the kitchen. Asking for one topping to be left off of half of a pizza is not unreasonable, nor is it rocket science. Pizzerias have been doing that for decades. In this case, the server did not give the guests what they ordered. They screwed up, through no fault of the guests.
Had the guests no confidence in the place to leave toppings off half, they could have simply ordered a 3rd pizza. Two would still have had the right toppings, everyone would have gotten what they wanted, and no one’s buzz would have been harshed. Unless, of course, the kitchen screwed up, which was exactly what happened. And get this: Through no fault of Hot Pockets.
If a restaurant cannot even get a small order correct, you don’t go back there. Period.
I will say this, though: Incubus blamed his GF for the kitchen’s screwup, and humiliated her in front of her friends, and yet she didn’t leave him. That’s not the kind of girl you break up with because she doesn’t like tomatoes. That’s someone you thank Og for every day of your life.
Fortunately, we had eaten together many times before, and I had a pretty good feel for what it was she’d accept.
First, let me point out that there are enormous differences of degree. There’s a huge difference between not eating, say, broccoli, because you truly loathe it and the smell alone makes you feel ill, and really only eating four or five things, which you insist on being served or else you will not eat. I don’t know where on this continuum you would put yourself, but my (and, I suspect, most people’s) tolerance of “pickiness” depends a lot on where you’re at on that contimuum. But as to what you can do: You can learn to eat common foods that you know many people in your society commonly eat and enjoy, and that you might be expected to be served – even if they are foods you don’t like. Frankly, I as a host or someone attempting to eat with you don’t really care if you “hate” the food or not, so, yes, my expectation is that, at the point you because a major, repeated PITA over it, you will “choke down food that you hate” – at least enough of it to avoid making a spectacle of yourself, being rude to the host, and embarrassing the person who brought you.
And if in fact your food issues are so severe that you risk “thowing up on the table because you’re forcing yourself to eat food you don’t like,” then IMO you have a major problem that you might want to consider working on. Everyone gagged on bies of “yucky” food as a child, but you know what? It’s not like it’s a completely automatic response you have no control over. You train youself to choke down a few bites of foods you don’t like, in the name of politeness. And if you honest to go cannot even do that then by all means eat by yourself at home and spare your friends and family the unpleasantness of having to either (a) put up with you being rude or (b) having you yak all over the table.
This is the part that frankly pisses me off. Your life is “too damn short” to trouble yourself to work to overcome a major social failing, that prevents you from participating fully in social situations without being rude about your “pickiness”?
I think you’re perfectly in the right to choose to “gracefully bow out of engagements that involve food” – because IMO you are suffering from an intentionally created (or at least, intentionally not overcome) social disability and it would be best for all concerned if you didn’t inflict it upon others. But then I don’t see why you’re bothering to defend someone who isn’t gracefully bowing out of engagements that involve food, but is instead ruining them with her food-phobic behavior. By your own description, this is not your behavior.
Frankly, I don’t care what you eat or don’t eat or where or when. But asking what’s being served before accepting a dinner invitation is rude. Insisting repeatedly on only going to the two or three restaurants that serve stuff you like is rude. Asking a host to make you something else is hugely] rude. Declining to eat the main course of ribs, because you’re a vegetarian or you just think ribs taste like ass, is not rude, so long as you’re quiet about it and content yourself with the side dishes, of which you eat enough to not make it obvious that you’re “not eating.” There’s picky, and then there’s picky. But regardless of where you are on the picky scale, don’t tell me you can’t help it; because that’s bullshit. I don’t eat shellfish. I don’t care for the taste of it, and I never have. If served a shellfish dish – not infrequent at celebratory occasions because shellfish is at least in the U.S. considered both “festive” and “expensive” – I will politely decline it if I can or take the minimum acceptable numbers of small bites if I can’t. But that is my hang-up, my choice, and is completely under my control.
I have great sympathy for people who cannot eat certain foods or who have a very limited diet because they have allergy issues or are literally made physically ill – and I don’t mean “this is gross, it makes me gag,” I mean ill – by foods. I have next to no sympathy for peopl who simply will not eat many foods because they don’t “like” them.
What this sounds like is you want someone to put your social life before his preferences, and that you think him selfish if he does not. Not only selfish, but antisocial. And it’s making you sound like the selfish and unreasonable one.
Now I’m sure that that is not how you meant it, because no reasonable person would ever say something like that. But I’m having trouble parsing it in any more charitable way. Help me out here?
It’s more like suggesting that people should try to put interpersonal relationships ahead of infantile food issues. We’re not talking about mere “preferences,” we’re talking about major league, passive-aggressive, stunted emotional and social maturity. “That’ll make me BARF!” is the mentality of a three year old, not an adult. And it IS voluntary. Funny that I never saw anyone living in a tin shack in Liberia that had these kind of self-important food issues.
While I’m with you on that if it’s truly an emotional issue that needs to be addressed, I’m not sure that I agree that it’s the case as often as is being presented here.
Myself, I’m pretty open to most foods, but there is a handful of things I won’t eat. These often show up in neighborhood socials and church basements.* If I were starving – literally – to death, or if you put a gun to my head, or paid me a million dollars, I suppose I’d choke it down. Other than that, I will refuse to touch it. It grosses me out. If you chose to blame that on my stunted emotional and social maturity, or a major social failing, I resent the hell out of it. And you’d find yourself with one less friend.
As well, if you consider it such a major social scandal that I won’t eat the same food as you, then consider that maybe it’s (hypothetical) you that needs to grow up.
*Generally include anything called “salad” that does not contain lettuce. Tuna, egg, potato, and worst of all, macaroni.
I think there’s a difference between having a few items you don’t like to eat (we all do to some extent) and having a severely limited index of foods you will eat, especially when any offer or suggestion of anything else results in melodramatic threats to vomit on the table, when that person’s issues have to come front and center for any social interaction involving food, when a significant other has to choose between either limiting his/her own diet just as severly or being resigned to never being able to cook for and share meals with that person, etc.
For the most part, these people CAN learn to eat and enjoy other foods if they want to. Excluding allergies or gastro-intestinal issues, they are NOT just born with some kind of biological problem which makes them puke up anything that isn’t a chicken nugget or has a different “texture.” They don’t have to learn to like everything but I’m not buying that they can’t learn to like SOME things and expand their palate within somethin akin to a normal adult range.
I think most people in this thread have it on the head. It is really not about being “picky”. It is about how people deal with being picky and if they are being polite and caring of others’ feelings.
I’m a vegetarian and have been for many years. I also do have certain food/emotional issues, and it does upset me if immediate family leaves me out of dinner plans because they know I’m a vegetarian - but I don’t throw a fit, I just try to relax, and remember that food does not equal love and that I don’t want to be high-maintenance about it. This is what adults do. Adults act with consideration for others.
I would never, ever ask someone for a Hot Pocket - or any other different food - at a get together. I will eat what’s available and make the best of it. None of us is going to starve by having one unsatisfying meal.
Yes, this can sometimes suck. For many potlucks, I’d forget and agree to bring a non-entree, and then made do with a dollop of store-bought potato salad and some chips. Parties and dinners at others’ houses are the same. If someone offers something else, great - unless it’s obviously a hassle for them.
I also try to be very open minded about food. Yes, we all have our preferences, but I will choke down a reasonable amount of any vegetarian food rather than acting like a child. I can go get something else later.
Having a tiny list of acceptable foods is, frankly, oppressive to others’ needs. Every picky eater I’ve known, and I’ve known many, can broaden their horizons if they try. They may not want to go to the Indian or Thai restaurant with me, and that’s fine. I don’t want to go to the steakhouse. But, if they could only eat fast food, that would mean no fun dinners out and that’s a dealbreaker for me.
I knew a very picky guy. He didn’t like when a restaurant had little tiny specks of parsley on their fries. But, after being (politely) ribbed a bit about it, he tried them and realized it was still OK. He used to not be able to go into a Chinese restaurant - but finally he did and found out he liked some things! I would bring in different things to work and see if he wanted to try them. He’d try and often times realize he liked it. He did this partially because he got into a relationship with someone who was frustrated about his limitations for dinners and eating out and wanted to improve himself.
I’m all about being caring - everyone’s entitled to have likes or dislikes - but being so absurdly limited and being unwilling to try is just not reasonable. It’s childish. Tastes change during your life and if you’re not willing to branch out for the sake of having fun and making others happy - not even a BITE - then you’re selfish.
I think I’m in agreement that it’s all about the attitude. Whining and making a big deal out of it is bad form. Ribbing someone for not liking something is bad form. Refusing to accomodate someone’s preferences when it is easy to do so is bad form. Sneaking in stealth ingredients is really bad form.
Let’s rerun the pizza fiasco. Let’s say we are out at a pizzeria. All of you agree on pizza topped with macaroni salad. My vote is against that. I’d rather have cheese. I can be polite about this, but I assure you I’ll be insistant. Your suggestion to just pick off the macaroni salad is unacceptable – in my book, once that foul noodle of Satan has touched food, it has tainted it forever.
So I suggest getting one half of the pizza plain. (For some reason or other, getting an additional pizza is not an option.) The waitress takes our order, and brings out two cheese pizzas. Am I suddenly a buzzkill, or did the kitchen screw up?
I think the kitchen realized that no person in his right mind would want a macaroni salad pizza. 
Who said you guys were idiots in your right minds?
I would say the kind of thing I’m talking about is more akin to someone rejecting topping after topping and declaring they will only eat cheese and sausage and nothing else. Picking something off is not an option.
My greater point is not that this kid of thing can’t be accommodated once in awhile, but that cumulatively, over time, this will become more and more annoying at this person will become more and more of a buzzkill.
I’ve been reading this thread with rapt fascination. I’m a great lover of food and cooking who’s surrounded by picky eaters, so I’m really taking much of this dialog to heart.
tdn, I think I know where you’re coming from. I had a very similar reaction, except for pills. For most of my life, I couldn’t swallow them. I remember trying to gag down some kind of childhood medicine and throwing up on the bathroom floor because of it. I found all kinds of work-arounds, like grinding pills to a powder and/or taking them in applesauce. Given that I got sick a lot, I got used to this.
When I was about 20, though, I got fed up at myself. I felt immature because I couldn’t do this simple thing everyone else could. I analyzed my feelings and realized most of my negative reaction was coming from the anticipation and not the act. I “knew” the pill would gag me, so it did. The first pill I swallowed was one I didn’t think about. I just suddenly decided, “Hey, I’d like to get rid of this headache and not bother with all this preparation!” It worked, and I felt proud of myself, though not a little silly for having gone through all that trouble for years.
What I’m trying to say (to borrow your phrase) is, life’s too short to cause yourself grief. Even things that seem like psychological impossibilities can be controlled, if you want to control them. More power to you.