Another vote for breaking up. I was an incredibly picky eater as a child, so I can empathize with her to some extent. But this is a major incompatibility.
From your earlier comment (“Breaking up over this seems rather stupid, in my opinion”), it seems to me like you’re looking at breaking up with someone like you would a punishment, where they have to deserve it for it to be fair. I think this is a bad way to look at it, for both of you. You should be with someone because you think they are the absolutely best person for you to be with, not because they haven’t done anything horrible enough for you to dump them. The possibility that there’s someone else out there who is a better match for you is all the reason you need to break up, and the sooner you do it after you realize this, the better off you’ll both be.
Actually, if the person you gave the necklace to repeatedly said, “I hate diamonds! They support aparthied and they are plain and boring and I would never, ever wear diamonds in my life!” and you gave them a diamond necklace because you think they should apprecate it, it is exactly like gift wrapping dog vomit in a soiled diaper. You gave them something they hate and will never use because in your opinion they are obviously stupid and have no taste. You might as well be slapping them in the face.
So when she says, “I hate that food. I don’t want to eat that food because I think it is disgusting.” the odds are good that she doesn’t want to eat that. Don’t keep serving it to her! That is ridiculous and to feel hurt because she rejects something she adamantly told you she didn’t want in the first place is just as ridiculous.
I agree. In fact, if that was exactly what she said, I would actually take it as a rather enthusiastic acceptance! She didn’t say, “That depends on what you’re serving”, she said, “What are WE having”.
Sort of like if you were to proposition someone and the reply was, “Your place or mine?” Maybe the “yes” part seemed so obvious to her that it was just omitted?
It probably would have helped to ask her age in the beginning.
Is she young without a lot of social skills and wasn’t taught how to behave in someone elses home? If that’s the case you should tell her that what she did at your Moms house was rude, and it was rude to ask someone to heat up a Hot Pocket after they cooked a big meal. Maybe she doesn’t know any better.
Licking peanut butter off a spoon and picking out the nuts when it’s just the two of you in an apartment doesn’t seem like such a biggie to me.
If she’s 35 and does this stuff, that a whole different story.
If you really insist on staying with teh girl, I would go with the “drop the issue and just let her make her own food from now on” approach. But, personally, I would definitely have dumped her after the “Hot Pocket” incident. That is not just picky - it’s extremely rude and self-centered. The fact that she doesn’t know better than to act like that tells me she has some kind of serious social maladjustment - and that’s why I would dump her, not for the pickiness.
I myself have some “picky” preferences about food. I am nearly vegetarian because I don’t like almost any kind of meat. And, heck, for that matter, I’m quite socially awkward in general, so it’s not like I’m some perfect Miss Manners who always uses the proper fork for each course of a meal standing in judgement of her. However, despite those factors, even I know better than to make a fuss about the food that I was served at a dinner party type event.
When someone goes to the trouble of cooking for you, you show your appreciation for the thought/effort even if it’s not your favorite meal…for the same reason that you say thanks for a Christmas present even if you don’t like it rather than throwing it across the room and demanding something better.
The sad thing is, it’s probably not really her fault that she is so clueless and maladjusted. I’m guessing her parents raised her on a limited, unhealthy diet so she just never learned how to try different foods during the stage of childhood when most people do.
I agree, that is OMG rude. If someone did that at my home, they would never be invited back. Never ever ever.
And the peanut butter thing? Disgusting. Mortifying! I can’t even wrap my brain around it because I’m so grossed out. If it annoys you now, think about what you will feel in five years.
I agree, I know that for me, the rudeness of not eating other peoples food is what would really bother me. I personally don’t think the peanut butter thing is a big deal, I assume they were at home at the time. Doesn’t seem much worse than, say, a guy scratching his balls in front of his girlfriend.
Anyhow, Incubus I’m not sure if thats how you feel. But it sounds like thats at least a good chuck of it. That is, if she could eat normally in social situations (including dinners you cook) then would you be okay with it? I ask because you said that you’ve been “arguing” with her about this, but its not clear how much you’ve been focusing the rudeness aspect, as opposed to the weird/unhealthy aspect. For example, did you talk about the ribs dinner afterwards, when you could speak freely? Not trying to make excuses for her, but maybe if she never cooks then its a little harder to get why what she’s doing is annoying. Like uglybeech said, i think the question here is whether you can talk this one out. Best wishes.
Speaking as someone who teaches a course that addresses food and its profound social and psychological effects, I submit that it is not at all a stupid reason.
It is highly probable that she will continue to embarrass you in front of others as she did with the hot pocket request. If you’re cool with that, you’re cool with that. If not, dump her. Accept it or don’t.
Not unless you did it several days - perhaps weeks - in a row. Otherwise the picky eater can wait and be “it all looks so good - but, frankly I’ll just have a bite. I’m simply too exhausted to even chew.”
I’m quite picky. I don’t spend time picking things out of food - I order it with “X on the side” and send things back if they’re not what I ordered. I realize that for some people everything is wonderful or at least has some potential. Very many foods simply do not taste good for me, and a lot of food is actively nasty. I wil pore over menus trying to find something that doesn’t look too bad (it feels wasteful to order something big and end up eating two bites and pushing the rest around the plate.) I’m not trying to ruin everyone else’s fun - I just don’t want to put something foul in my mouth over and over and over again. Please accept that. Enjoy your food. I’ll enjoy mine, once I get home, and I’m enjoying your company now.
That said, I try not to spit it out in plain view over and over and over. That’s rude. As is the Hot Pocket incident. That seems the bigger problem than the pickiness.
Well, we’re not exactly talking about him going out of his way to make the one type of food she doesn’t like, are we? We’re talking about him not going out of his way to limit himself to the handful of things she won’t either refuse outright, or pick to pieces and grouse about. There is, quite frankly, a world of difference.
How much you can expect people to accommodate you really depends a lot on what your expectations are. Avoiding one type of food isn’t really that much of an imposition, so it’s perfectly reasonable for, say, a vegetarian or someone who hates seafood or Mexican to expect someone to fix something they can and will eat on a regular basis. Avoiding pretty much everything except four or five dishes is a) a first-class PITA to plan things around, especially if the other person is trying to eat healthier than your chosen diet and b) really effin’ boring to the other person, so it’s really not reasonable to expect very much accommodation. I gotta give the man a pass on the rudeness charge, here.
To the OP: Stop trying to fix your girlfriend. You cannot fix people. They are not broken. They simply are who they are, and you have to accept them as they are, or not at all.
That being said, I can see both sides of this particular issue. On the one hand, I’ve been the one whose taste in food, or music, or people wasn’t up to snuff, and that is absolutely no fun at all. And it does sound like she’s making at least some effort.
On the other hand, I try not to be a big nuisance about my preferences and limitations. I’m not going to sit there and pick apart my dinner, for instance. (Well, I will pick out mushrooms. But I just move them a bit to the side of my plate as I eat, not pile them up on my lap or the table or whatever, and I don’t make a big production of it.) I’ll either load it up with condiments to make it edible, or eat the other dishes, or nibble and get something else later, whatever seems least likely to make waves.
And we’ve got a friend who is not so food-limited as your gf, but she’s awful damn limited. It’s a royal nuisance, dealing with her absolute refusal to try anything new, especially if you want to eat out and are trying to pick a restaurant. Eating at the same five places over and over and over and over gets old pretty fast, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be eating the same five dishes.
If you’re determined to try and stick this out, you can always try what we’ve finally done with our friend. If we’re eating out, we pick a restaurant and then call and invite her along. She almost certainly won’t come unless we’ve picked one of her handful of acceptable options, but we at least made the attempt to include her. If we’re having people over for dinner, we make what we think most people will like. If it’s not something she’s willing to eat, she knows where the stuff for making a sandwich is.
I agree with what others have said – she was incredibly rude to your mother’s boyfriend. When someone goes to real effort to make you something they think you’ll enjoy, you damn well thank them and appreciate it. Don’t want the food? Try a couple bites just in case (you never know) and then push it around on your plate and say you’re not all that hungry. To tell them “There’s no way I’ll even try to like what you made me, now could you make me something totally different and nowhere near as personal?” is 100% thoughtless and rude. It doesn’t matter whether she feels that cooking is something people enjoy and get wrapped up in, the fact remains that someone made her something and she didn’t even give it a chance.
I’m an omnivore and I live with a vegetarian girlfriend. It’s no big deal, really. There’s plenty of restaurants around here with good vegetarian options. When we cook at home, there’s no meat. In fact, the only meat I’ve had in the apartment that wasn’t a doggiebag from a restaurant (sometimes I eat vegetarian when we go out, sometimes I don’t) was a package of whitehots that my parents got me for my birthday. I don’t cut meat on her cuttingboard, and I keep it off her cookware. It’s actually nice not having meat in the fridge because I don’t have to worry about it spoiling. We both make compromises, and we have a mutual non-conversion pact (she doesn’t try to make me vegetarian, I don’t try to make her eat meat).
It’s one thing to have strict food preferences. It’s entirely another to be thoughtless and rude to other people regarding them.
wasson, that’s the point where I would have felt like hitting you with a golf club.
I’ve been that girl, sort of: I don’t bug other people about not drinking and only if I think they’re not safe to drive I’ll ask for the keys. I’m also a person who’s perfectly happy to go with my friends and/or SO to concerts of groups that I can stand but don’t particularly like, I’m always willing to try anything once (ok, not swinging), if I say I’m enjoying myself it means, exactly “I’m enjoying myself”, if I say “that hurts, please stop” it means “that hurts a real big lot, please stop”, if I say “I’m fine” it means. Exactly. That I’m fine. If I am sitting in a blanket with a pair of friends’ toddlers while the kids’ parents and my SO go into the mass of bodies near the stage and bounce around, it’s because I choose to and because I find it more enjoyable than being hit by a bouncing 200-lb male of the species (I like burly guys)… or by two, one from each side.
I know there’s lots of women around who doubletalk, but in the name of those of us who don’t: GODDAMNIT WHAT’S THE POINT IN TALKING STRAIGHT IF YOU GUYS INSIST IN NOT BELIEVING US!
I didn’t use size=7! But I thought about it, damnit!
Since there’s been a lot of serious advice, I hope I can lighten the mood:
I used to eat a lot of fast food. Then a mate of mine took lean minced beef, onions, eggs + spices and made me home-made burgers. Of course I knew they would taste better … but not that they would be infinitely better. :eek:
I have never eaten fast food since.
Some of you cooks in this thread are making me hungry!
The pickiest eater I know is obese, too. How the hell does that happen??? I don’t kow what to tell you. Your quality of life is stifled when you dine with the unadventurous. Take her on a restaurant crawl. It’ll cost a few bucks, but take her to three places and ask her to try various appetizers. Just a little bit. Tell her to let go of her preconceptions of food and just taste each one. Don’t even tell her what’s in them. Maybe when she realizes how illogical her food fears are, she’ll slowly come around. If she doesn’t want to try, I’d start thinking about what a long-term future with her would mean. My guess is that the rigidity doesn’t stop with food.
I don’t like a lot of things either, and have eaten something I normaly don’t like in a food. I still may avoid it in the future, but eat it reguardless of the fact I don’t like the taste. I’ve worked hard at physical outdoor activities for over 12 hours in summer and been exhausted and starved. Food is inhaled at that point, going down in huge gulps and you don’t even taste it until after you finished whats on the plate. This works if nothing at all is left that you like. You haven’t ever reached that point if you don’t recognise the fact that there are circumtances where you will eat anything to fuel your depleted body stores. Like I said the woman in question would likely never put in that much effort before refusing to move 10 miles from the nearest road.
Sounds to me (and I’ve only skimmed through the replies here) like you have two options - either you break up with her, or you adapt to her eating habits. If you’re really potty about her, you’ll accommodate her eating habits and make the relationship work. If you’re not prepared to invest time and effort in doing that, then maybe it’s just not right for you two to stay together.
My partner is a fussy eater, so much so that we hardly ever cook for each other - ok, so it doesn’t help that I’m a vegetarian and he’s not…but there are so many things he won’t eat for a variety of reasons that it makes any kind of meal a minefield!
He doesn’t like capiscums (they repeat on him), he doesn’t much like potato, he can’t abide brassicas of any sort, he dislikes salad vegetables, the list could go on. And so the only things we cook for each other are curries (but I have to prepare my vegetables for him to add to the sauce), tacos (he makes the filling separately as mine has quorn mince) and the good old haggis (I get a veggie one and do mashed potato for both of us, neeps for me and probably carrots/peas for him 'cos they’re pretty much the only veg he’ll eat).
Oh, life isn’t easy with him in the kitchen but at least I get to eat whatever I like (as does he) and I don’t have to worry about whether he likes whatever I’m cooking.
Yep, I hear ya. I’m normally very reasonably and rational about these things, but our lifestyles were so incredibly different in this instance that I couldn’t see things from her side of the table.
For example, we went out once or twice to meet some of my friends at a bar to drink a couple beers, watch a football game, and eat some hot wings. This girl didn’t drink, didn’t watch football, and didn’t like wings. She assured me she was having a good time, but all I could think is “you’re just sitting there. How can that be fun?”
I just couldn’t wrap my head around it, and when all was said and done, I didn’t NEED to. I found someone who liked beer, hot wings, and football. Now it’s not a concern when I want to go out and do those things.
Anyway, from what I’ve read in this thread (trying to get it back on topic here…) it seems like it may be the same sort of problem. If they can’t see eye-to-eye on a topic that actively bothers the OP and results in the GF being rude to her boyfriend, his friends, and his family, well… maybe it’s time to cut bait. People have broken up for much smaller, dumber reasons (myself and the non-drinker included).
