[QUOTE=Autumn Almanac]
IMHO, settling for a dead-end relationship with an incompatible or even abusive partner is the far more common and damaging problem. If only more people had the self-confidence to realize that they don’t have to settle!
[/QUOTE]
No argument with this post.
[QUOTE=Count Blucher]
I had a long post I created yesterday but didn’t post as I was worried I was over-thinking the issue. Turns out I was. I was thinking about long-term issues like health problems that might arise from years (decades?) of a radically unhealthy diet which seems to exclude most vitamins and of having to be a Care Giver instead of a Lover to your SO before your time.
Incubus is just dating her, not marrying her, right? They are both being young and having fun. There’s no commitment here, so no worries about the future or her impending heart disease. My advice is be young & have fun, and when the relationship ends, life will go on, and you’ll (and she’ll) find somebody else.
As so many people have said: you can’t change her. Stay with her for as long as you still love her and break up with her if you reach a point where you don’t or can’t.
[/QUOTE]
That sort of depends on the purpose behind dating. There are a lot of people who thing that around a year, you are at the make or break point. Date someone for a few weeks - even a few months - for fun. But date for longer than a year and both of you must have “intentions.”
IME, not a universal by any means, what often happens is that the woman has the year point (or some other time - maybe its longer than a year - maybe its "two Valentine’s Days) in her head. He’s going ahead, having a good time, not even aware that he is supposed to be looking at this as anything other than “maybe we plan for concert tickets six weeks out” relationship. Suddenly, blindsided by escalating committment (traveling across country for her cousins wedding) and seeing no good reason to break it off, he finds himself engaged - or facing increasing pressure to become so. The “marry me or its over” scenario isn’t good - and I’ve seen it turn into marriage far more often than it should.
If she is dating with the intention of finding a life partner, then the obligation is to break it off as soon as you determine she isn’t yours - anything else is wasting her time when she could be finding some guy who only eats the same four things. If she is dating for a good time - bang her and avoid going out to dinner or taking her anyplace where your friends will see her interact with food. Somehow, the second sounds really crass.
[QUOTE=Incubus]
I think part of it is that I get really hurt if I make dinner and she won’t touch anything I made, or take one bite and say, “I don’t like it. Can I have something else?”. We get into aguments over it and sometimes its better in the short-term to comprimise and make something we both enjoy.
[/QUOTE]
To me, this is the worst symptom of all. I presume, Incubus, that when you make dinner for her, you try to do so in compliance with her food requirements to the best of your ability, perhaps stretching slightly. In other words, you spend the effort to make her something you think that she will eat and enjoy, rather than ignoring her dietary quirks.
Assuning that to be the case, and she outright rejects the efforts you make, there is a serious problem with mutual respect. (If you just make things with no consideration given to what she might eat, there is a problem with mutual respect in the other direction, but I suspect that isn’t what we have here.) She doesn’t respect you enough to acknowledge your efforts and concern, try to work with you to make dietary compromises, and – most important – treat you as a partner, not merely a server.
I know plenty of people with dietary restrictions – Kosher, vegetarian, Kosher vegetarian, non-eaters of seafood, alergic to this or that, folks who won’t eat green vegetables and even the dreaded lactose/gluten intolerance combo that Eureka mentioned (my cousin who lives in Italy of all places, it really sucks). Virtually everyone I know with a food restriction recognizes and appreciates efforts to meet that restriction. More significantly, particularly with a home-cooked meal, they are polite if you try to accommodate their restrictions and fail – usually to the point of apologizing that they can’t eat what you have prepared.
It is difficult to date someone with a more limited dietary regime than you have. I’ve done it, and it was a constant source of tension. Even not liking a few types of foods or combinations can be a challenge – remembering not to put green peppers in the salad if that’s what you usually do. I’ve never actually broken up with someone because of their food issues, but realizing that I might have to live my life without having meat in the household, cooking it for my partner or even splitting a meat-based dish when we went out was has been one small factor in deciding whether I wanted to break up with someone (though the other incompatibilities were much more significant).
But mere dietary incompatibility is not the issue here. Rather it is the apparent failure to understand that her dietary issues are a challenge and give you credit for trying to meet that challenge. Instead of recoginizing that you are trying to do something nice for her and respecting you for that, she is summarily rejecting your efforts.
If she is not self-aware enough to see what a problem she is causing, and respectful enough to credit you for your efforts to accommodate her, – and apparently unable or unwilling to move toward change – you should consider whether this is somebody you want to spend your life with. Though this may seem to be a small issue, you should ask yourself if this is merely an isolated quirk of hers – she’s self-aware and respectful in other areas – or whether this is one symptom of a larger issue. Though it might seem petty to break up over this alone, if this type of behavior is part of a pattern, it is clearly grounds for ending a relationship.
[QUOTE=delphica]
If I were in this situation, the problem would not be with the pickiness of the eating, it’s how the pickiness presents. Spitting out food and piling it up is not an option when eating with others. Would she do that at a meal with your parents? With her boss? If the peanut thing was a fluke and she is generally gracious about politely declining food she doesn’t care to eat, then I would encourage you to try to let this issue go. If she is vocal about her pickiness, including whining or making unusual demands, spitting out food or allowing her choosiness to dictate what others are able to eat, then I would let her go.
[/QUOTE]
Dead on. Her behavior with the peanut butter is absolutely disgusting!
Forget the pickiness, she’s got a much more glaring flaw: lack of social graces.
Another vote for dumping here.
[QUOTE=anu-la1979]
Your girlfriend isn’t picky. My brother-in-law is picky. Pickiness is annoying but can be dealt with, especially if you love the other person. Even with someone who wrinkles his nose at every other thing, we can generally find 4 or 5 cuisines where he’ll pipe down and eat (fortunately for him, these include French and Italian otherwise he’d be SOL for professional networking).
Your girlfriend is pathological when it comes to food and is going to cause you embarrassment and consternation for a long time to come. IMO, people who limit themselves to 4 ITEMS for life (excluding unfortunates who have a keel-over-dead-allergy) don’t merit the word “picky”. That goes wayyyyyy beyond picky…I don’t want to toss around the word “crazy” but it’s sort of rattling around my head when I read about what she’s willing to eat.
[/QUOTE]
I agree with this.
I also agree with them being young and having fun - immediate dumping probably isn’t what’s called for. Having to deal with this now is probably a good learning experience for Incubus to see how tolerable he can be with someone and how much he can take. I am guessing this probably won’t work well for an extended period but for now he can deal with it.
How old are you guys, anyway?
Aside from that…she is just immature, and showing it. It’s annoying (and sometimes gross!) and rude. The issue isn’t food it’s how she handles it.
Everyone else who has chimed up and admitted they’re picky still says they are not rude about it. The “Hot Pocket Incident” is quite a shocker if this girl is over 12 years old.
I have a friend who is picky…and when she was younger probably as picky as this girlfriend (but never ever ever rude). Her husband on the other hand loves to eat. Loves to cook. They’ve been married about 6 years now. He cooks anything he wants. He does some of his own shopping (she does the “basics”, he goes to the market). He always offers her some of what he’s having. She’ll try it or not. She’ll enjoy it or not. She microwaves some chicken fingers. Life goes on.
Why are you guys even eating together so much if you don’t live together? When you make plans that don’t include eating out, say “ok well I’m going to cook some [whatever] before you come over. You can have some if you want, but I don’t have any plain burritos sitting around so if you don’t want it be sure to come having eaten.” If food isn’t part of your time together then food is a non-issue.
[QUOTE=wasson]
Man, and to think Iwas accused of being judgemental earlier in the thread.
[/quote]
Whoa, pardner. I was commenting on Sarahfeena’s hypothetical, which was:
Note:
(1) Just because I was drinking the Coke
(2) when I was clearly having a good time with the football and the wings.
You list these as if the alcohol is essential. I’ve participated in all these kinds of events drinking nothing stronger than a Coke, as Sarah suggested.
It bears repeating that I did not suggest that you had a dependency, but that I would suspect that the person in Sarah’s hypothetical might have. Regardless, you do choose to defend yourself from the charge and I can’t help but note that the things you state would not necessarily put you clear of alcohol dependency.
Actually, the thing in Wasson’s original post that made my eyebrows go up was this –
There are a lot of good, reasonable reasons why a person might choose not to drink alcohol either on a particular occasion or not at all. What kind of person demands an explanation from someone avoiding alcohol?
I agree that you don’t have to evaluate her behavior as good or bad, or worthy of breaking up or not. As this stage, all you have to ask yourself is are you having fun with this person, and are you compatible with this person? There are many people who are fine and good people who I wouldn’t date, just because we are not compatible. Maybe he wants to live in Alaska, and I don’t. Nothing bad about that, but I am not going to date or marry someone who I can’t be happy with.
So, no need to make a value judgement about her, but no need to stick with her either if you don’t want to. You can break up with her without it being “I am dumping you because you won’t eat this food!” Just say you don’t think you are compatible and you would be happier with other people, blah blah blah.
For me, I wouldn’t want to stay with someone like this. I like eating adventureously and cooking too much to do it all for myself, and I love eating at fun restaurants with my husband, we really have a good time trying different things together. Other people don’t care about food, so they wouldn’t want to be with me either. You just have to decide whether you want to accept her as she is, as others have pointed out there isn’t much hope for changing her. You don’t have to feel bad about saying no, I don’t want to deal with this forever. If you do stay with her, then you need to drop it pretty much and cook for yourself and let her make her own food. It’s the in between, trying to change her mind that will drive you both nuts.
This thread is very difficult for me to read without getting my hackles up. If I start getting pissy, please forgive me.
I am a very picky eater. I have been for most of my life. I had my last hamburger at the age of three, and ate chicken for the last time at eleven. My issues are almost always with texture and/or appearance, rather than taste. Fat, gristle, bones, veins, and other inedible bits in meat make me gag. Under-ripe tomatoes turn my stomach. Celery is vile in any form. And on and on.
I know that my food predilections make me difficult to live with, and I do my best to keep my oddities from impacting others. Like pbbth, I can find SOMETHING to eat at almost any restaurant, and on the rare occasion that I’m invited to a restaurant that doesn’t have anything I’ll eat, I simply say “thanks for inviting me, but I can’t make it tonight.” I try to avoid eating home-cooked meals at other people’s houses, but if I can’t avoid it I will eat as much as I can stand of whatever they’re serving that I find edible. I’m lucky in that most of my preferences can be summed up with the simple phrase “I’m vegetarian” - while that’s not precisely true, I’ll almost always like a vegetarian meal, and people can cope with “I’m a vegetarian” much more easily than “I’m a damn picky eater.” If served a meal I find wholly inedible, I’ll choke down a few bites, push the rest of it around my plate, say that I’m not hungry or that I’m not feeling well, and eat something when I get home.
My fiance is a carnivore, but he has learned to cope with my food weirdness. He does almost all the cooking (I’m a terrible cook), and he is content to make “modular” meals (pasta, marinara sauce, and browned meat that he can add to his own plate) or, in some cases, two meals (chicken and stuffing for him, tofu and rice for me.) I always tell him that if he doesn’t want to deal with my eating habits, he’s free to make himself dinner and let me fend for myself. Sometimes, he takes me up on that offer, but more often than not he finds a way to compromise.
Like many of the other posters, my biggest issue with Incubus’ girlfriend is the rudeness issue. I can certainly sympathize with her, but asking for a Hot Pocket was rude. If it were me, I’d have said “Oh, this looks great, but I don’t eat meat. Do you mind if I take a little extra salad?” and eaten the salad, corn and rolls. Is the cook going to be upset that I’m not eating his main course? Perhaps, but probably not as upset as he would be if I threw up on his dining room table after I tried to choke down red meat. Even better, I would have asked what the proposed meal was before I accepted the invitation, and when informed that the main course was ribs I would have either politely declined, or explained that I don’t eat meat, and would the cook be willing to accommodate me?
Is asking the cook to accommodate me rude? From some of the posts I 'm seeing here, it seems that the consensus is yes, and that’s where I really have to object. I didn’t choose to be this way. I can’t tell you how happy I would be if I could eat anything that’s put in front of me. I see my friends chow down on hamburgers, hot dogs, fried chicken, lunch meat sandwiches…it looks so easy! When we go out to eat, my friends have the entire menu to choose from, while I have to scour it to find the two meals that I can eat. I’d love to have the freedom that a varied diet brings, and on multiple occasions I’ve tried to branch out, to try a bite of something that is on my Do Not Eat list…and I’ve regretted it every time. No one wants to watch me gag and rush to the restroom to spit out whatever objectionable item made its way into my mouth.
Being a picky eater, in and of itself, is not a moral failing. It does not make one a bad person, a boring person, or a terribly immature person. It is how one deals with being a picky eater that defines one’s character. I am damn picky, but I try to keep that from inconveniencing other people. It seems that Incubus’ girlfriend is damn picky and either doesn’t know that she’s inconveniencing other people, or she doesn’t care, and that, in my opinion, is the problem. My suggestion (like may previous posters’) is to sit down with her and explain how her picky eating is causing difficulties for others. She probably can’t change what she finds palatable, but she can change her behavior if she so chooses. If she is willing to try to be less rude, I’d say try to be more accommodating of her tastes. She’s probably as frustrated with the situation as you are - it’s hard to have someone constantly criticizing your food choices and trying to coax you into eating something you don’t like. If you can’t bear the thought of her eating the same seven things over and over again, then walk away - staying trapped in that situation will only make you both crazy.
We’ve been going on the assumption that the girl in question a) is unappreciative of Incubus’s efforts (or those of his family) and b) is the object of his desire to marry, father children with, and be buried next to. Both of those are pretty strong assumptions. I’d rather hear it straight from Incubus hisself.
[QUOTE=Eureka]
Well, maybe–but if you take it too far, you end up alone because you refuse to settle for anyone, always hoping that someone better comes along.
[/QUOTE]
You’re of course completely right and I thought about adding a disclaimer about also keeping your expectations realistic, but decided it’s not a likely concern in this case. In my experience, people who tend to coast along in incompatible relationships can rarely even be convinced to put their needs first, let alone go overboard in the other direction.
And I think even those who do start out expecting to find a supermodel Nobel laureate who brews her own beer and demands frequent threeways with her model friends usually eventually date enough to recognize when someone is an outstanding match for them despite the inevitable imperfections. It just takes some people longer to get to that point than others.
Giraffe,
It says something about my psyche and perhaps something about the influence of the placement of the words on the page, that I read your original post and thought “well, maybe, but . . .” but would not have felt the need to type a disclaimer/objection, but I saw Autumn Almanac’s “wise words” comment and immediately felt an overpowering need to type an objection/disclaimer.
I’m probably going to be fed a ton of shit sandwiches after this post but I’m going for it anyway.
In my experience, and this is just anecdotal, the people I’ve known who’ve had such intense issues with food have all been physically or sexually abused as children. Or at least suffered some sever psychological trauma. I’m **not ** suggesting that your girlfriend has, but I am suggesting that you may want to consider the possibility that this is less about culinary taste and actually something more pathological. If she does have psychological issues, you are now dealing with a whole new playing field. I don’t want to jump on the “dump her ass” bandwagon but I do think you need to seriously think about what you are and are not willing to live with.
I spent 7 months with someone similar. Not to the point of sucking the peanut butter off of peanuts and making knee scuptures but this person literally drove me insane. For every item I bought we had to have second one “just for her.” Mine was never good enough. Going out to eat was a nightmare. She bitched every time because the food was too tough, juicy, crunchy, mushy, tasted like mushrooms even though none were in sight. The onions were burnt. Now they’re undercooked. I must’ve heard the phrase “I can’t eat this” over 2 thousand times in the seven months we were together. I left her and ended up in therapy for 6 months because of it. (There were other mindfucking things she did but the food thing was a big one and I could bore you to tears with the full details of the food anti-fetish)
[QUOTE=The Chao Goes Mu]
I left her and ended up in therapy for 6 months because of it.
[/QUOTE]
Seriously?
Some explanations needed here:
-She’s 19, the youngest in her family. She does well in college, but big sis is very successful and right now she’s kind of living in her big sister’s shadow. Her sister is also a total loudmouth and rather rude g/f being picky, fat, and not hyper-successful. Her parents are retired, and she has no extended family. My theory is that because her parents were older than most when she was a kid, they didn’t have the energy to deal with it consistently. When I asked if they made her eat vegetables and stuff, she said they tried, but would always waffle on their statements. They are nice people, but don’t seem very capable of following through when it comes to consequences/punishments to their kids.
-The Hot Pocket incident happened early on in our relationship. I probably knew her for about a month or so at the time. We had lengthly discussions about it. From her perspective, she didn’t want my mom’s boyfriend to waste the time and effort to cook her something she may not even like. She didn’t want to be an inconvenience to him because there are a lot of things she doesn’t like to eat, and she was terrified she would have to sit with my family and be gagging on the food they gave her. Since then, she has made a lot of progress in that regard, and understands more of those unspoken ‘rules’ dinner guests should abide to.
-I see both sides of the argument, and it is hard for me to totally agree with either. I feel like if I dumped her over the food thing, I am focusing on the one thing I feel is really ‘wrong’ and completely overlooking all the good aspects of her. Yet the people who tell me to dump her also make me feel like a big fool for putting up with it for so long.
-I’m no perfect person myself, and there have been times she could have rightfully dumped me for my behavior but she didn’t. We went out to eat with friends last month and the four of us split 2 mini-pizzas (they have 4 slices each). Apparently they come with chunks of tomato, and she asked the waitress if she could have hers tomato-less. I was in a bad mood at the time, and got in an argument about why she couldn’t just pick off the stuff she didn’t want, so I wouldn’t be deprived of toppings. The waitress screwed up and BOTH pizzas showed up plain and sans tomato. Even though it was an honest mistake, at the time I absolutely flipped my shit and blew up at her, telling her if she wasn’t so damn picky 75% of the people at the table would have gotten what they wanted. She ran into the restaurant bathroom crying and I realized I had totally overreacted, humiliated her in front of her friends and made a total asshole of myself. She didn’t talk to me for the rest of the evening and I wondered if the relationship would have been kaput over that. Honestly, if she posted that incident here people would probably be saying ‘dump him!’ as well. But she didn’t dump me; we talked it out over the phone that evening and I apologized to everyone involved. Anyway, because she was so forgiving about something like that (and there were other times I screwed up majorly) I feel I ought to cut her the same amount of slack.
-Outside of the food thing, we get along great; we go to museums and aquariums, comedy shows and theme parks and all the other date-y stuff people do. She’s extremely generous with gifts, helped throw the best birthday party I had ever had, thinks I’m funny, attractive, etc. Recently I made a resolution to go to the gym at least 100 times this year (2+ times/week) and asked if she would be on board with it, she was and we go to the gym together every Friday and Sunday.
-I am probably going to get flamed for this, but oh well. The sex is great; it is the best sex I’ve ever had and if we broke up I know I’d miss having the kind of sex to wake the neighbors up. She is willing to try just about anything I propose sex wise and never passes up an opportunity to get frisky.
[QUOTE=tdn]
Seriously?
[/QUOTE]
Yes, seriously. Like I said, there were other circumstances involved. Think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction minus the boiling rabbit. The food thing though, was a pretty fucked up part of it. She would get down right emotional and sometimes psychotic over food.
[QUOTE=Incubus]
-I am probably going to get flamed for this, but oh well. The sex is great; it is the best sex I’ve ever had and if we broke up I know I’d miss having the kind of sex to wake the neighbors up. She is willing to try just about anything I propose sex wise and never passes up an opportunity to get frisky.
[/QUOTE]
Hot Pockets can be delicious.
[QUOTE=The Chao Goes Mu]
Yes, seriously. Like I said, there were other circumstances involved. Think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction minus the boiling rabbit. The food thing though, was a pretty fucked up part of it. She would get down right emotional and sometimes psychotic over food.
[/QUOTE]
Wow. I almost want to ask for details, but I’m not sure I want to read them.
[QUOTE=tdn]
Wow. I almost want to ask for details, but I’m not sure I want to read them.
[/QUOTE]
First of all, Hot Pockets are an abomination and should only be eaten when there is heavy drinking involved. Second. Are you mocking me? 
[QUOTE=The Chao Goes Mu]
First of all, Hot Pockets are an abomination and should only be eaten when there is heavy drinking involved.
[/QUOTE]
I think this was a joke that if the sex is that hot, it might be worth choking down a few Hot Pockets for. Can’t say I necessarily disagree with that. 
I can’t speak for tdn, but I don’t think there is mocking going on…it’s just that your post was very…intriguing. Just enough info to make you wonder what exactly was going on.
[QUOTE=The Chao Goes Mu]
First of all, Hot Pockets are an abomination and should only be eaten when there is heavy drinking involved. Second. Are you mocking me?
[/QUOTE]
First of all, hot monkey sex.
Second, no. I’m genuinely interested in what that crazy bitch did that could send a person to therapy after only 7 months. But I’m wondering if I could handle it.