Background: During term time I live in a college owned house (more of a little dorm really), with about 30 people in it and a kitchen per 4-6 people. Last term a lot of items mysteriously disappeared from our kitchen (mostly mine I think, but I’m not certain), so I’m going to put a sign up on the door basically to the effect of ‘don’t do this’. Unfortunately I’m not sure how to phrase it. Here are some possibilities I’ve come up with:
Blunt: “Last term items were taken from this kitchen without permission from the owner and never returned. Return them and do not repeat this.”
Hostile: “Taking items and not returning them is theft. If it occurs again it shall be treated as such.”
Polite: “Please could any items which may have been borrowed from this kitchen be returned, and in future it would be best to ask the owner’s permission first.”
Semi-Humorous: " ‘From Miss Manners Guide to polite borrowing’:
Rule 1: Always ask before borrowing things. Upon use clean them and return them promptly, and without prompting.
Rule 2: If you find anyone in violation of rule 1, you are entitled to shave their head and set fire to their eyebrows without repercussions’
You’d look silly without any eyebrows, wouldn’t you?"
Unfortunately I don’t think any of the above quite work. Any suggestions?
I don’t think a sign will do any good. In fact people may start stealing out of spite. Are the missing items food or small appliances/dishes, etc?
In a community kitchen frequented by starving and probably stoned college students, any consumeable items are fair game. I wouldn’t put anything in there that I didn’t mind being eaten, broken or sexually assaulted.
Are the current term students the same ones as from last term? If so I would just ask them face-to-face if they happened to pick up a Ronco Salad Spinner and if so, could they wash off the semen stains and return it (assuming you want it back).
Anything that you can’t keep in your private bedroom (i.e. refrigerated stuff) needs to have a label on it that says “WARNING - STOOL SAMPLE”. Or get a roll of those “DANGER - BIOHAZARD” stickers and apply liberally to all of your You might think this won’t work on things like milk cartons and soda bottles, but believe me people would rather not take a chance.
Small appliances mainly. e.g. My sieve took a holiday to another kitchen near the beginning of last term. I eventually went and reclaimed it. Also taken are small containers, etc.
What really irritates me is that I know most of the people in the building, at least vaguely, and if they asked to borrow said appliance I would probably say “Yes, as long as you return it.”.
Food may also be missing, but I’m less likely to notice.
If anyone steals any my kitchen utensils I’m going to beat the thief to death with a marble rolling pin then beat your dead body some more with a tenderizing hammer, saw your head off with a rusty bread knife, gut you, flay you, debone you and then cram your dead thieving carcass full of Pepperidge Farm stuffing and garlic cloves, roast you overnight and serve your punk ass for supper with a nice merlot and some roast potatoes.
Keep your own stash of paper plates, a spork made of titanium attached to yourself at all times (yes, I own one of these, cost me $10) and a can opener. You’ll be set, no worries on someone stealing your stuff.