When I left work yesterday morning, I had half a 2 liter of Coke in the kitchen fridge. And so, when I came in tonight, I only brought 1 bottle of water with me, because I thought, hey, I’ve got that Coke in there for a 2 AM caffeine boost.
Imagine my dismay, disgust, disappointment, disgruntlement, disapproval, my sheer outraged pissed-offedness when I opened the fridge and saw my Coke missing.
Hey, fucktard, did that bottle have a sign on that said, “Drink Me?” NO! And do you know why? Because it was MINE!!! It was in that fridge specifically so that I, and I alone, could have something to drink tonight! What the hell was going through your tiny little 9-volt brain? Did you go to the kitchen for the sole purpose of swiping someone else’s shit? Obviously you must have, because if you’d had anything of your own in there, you wouldn’t have needed to steal mine!
Shitferbrains. Did you not notice the security camera in the corner? It’s only been there for a year and a half. Did you forget this whole place is wired like a fucking Christmas tree? One way or another, I will find you. I will either see you on the tape pilfering other people’s consumables, or I will find you in the bathroom puking your guts out after you swipe the Mello Yello bottle I plan to piss in and place in the fridge next week.
I’m starting to get a caffeine withdrawal headache and it’s entirely your fault. Fucker. I hope you got the trots.