Fucking vending machine in my building. And goddamn the Coca Cola company, as well. I wish I had a gun so I could shoot out the change box. So first the soda machine goes on the fritz. It takes your money, but (miracle of miracles!) it doesn’t actually dispense any liquid beverages. Why? Because it is sold out. Are those handy little lights next to the buttons lit up to warn people that the machine is sold out? Of course not, then they wouldn’t put their money in. Silly rabbit, suck on my cock.
Has anyone else noticed that drink machines don’t actually use those little lights anymore? They just exist to fool people into putting their money into a defunct machine which, though it has more computing power than the entire Earth circa 1950, cannot or will not (my money is on the latter) return the money you gave it when under the assumption that it was actually functional and not just a giant electricity dump.
Now this machine was all backed up with cosmic diarreah for about two weeks. Then the Coca Cola representative showed up and refilled it. (Or somebody threatened to kill its mother if it didn’t start playing well with others. Who knows with these boxes?) I know this because I bought a coke from it last week. And instead of giving me the $.75 I was due in change, I got a shiney new nickel. Beautiful. Why do I keep going back to this machine? Because it’s the only one I have access to, that’s why.
Oh, but the plot sickens. Just now, not five minutes ago, I foolishly tried to purchase another drink from the demonspawn machine. Do I get the glorious Cokified joy I was hoping, nay yearning, nay creaming in my pants for? Hell no! I get a fucking Vanilla Coke. “Coca-Cola with vanilla flavor” the bottle reads. The ingredients? According to the list exactly the same as the regular variety, leading me to believe that somewhere in the world, probably mined by Indonesian children recently laid off by Nike, there is a vast supply of nasty vanilla substitute. But its natural. We know they couldn’t just put a shot of vanilla in the stuff, because vanilla extract is alcoholic, and we wouldn’t want to sell alcohol to children. They might drink 50 cases of the stuff and get a mild buzz, leading them to drive their parents cars off of cliffs in the twitchiest drunken stupor since Ceasar went nuts at the Saturnalia.
No its on the first floor. I’m pretty sure they know that Vanilla Coke sucks, but they made a whole shitload of the stuff and now they have to get rid of it. I mean, the label is close enough that at the convenience store on campus the people selling it actually ask people who are buying it if they’re not confused. It happened to me once.
Also this bullshit with the vending machine. I went back and looked, the top button, the button usually reserved for whatever is pictured on the machine, is for Vanilla Coke. And the decal looks just like some of the old school labels for regular style coke. The second button is for regular coke now. Did I mention that the top two buttons used to be regular coke?
Somebody will pay for this, and it will not be pretty. I’m envisioning thumbscrews, or maybe those special little fishies?
Am I getting whooshed by a joke I’m not seeing, or do you work with Tenebras?
Machines like those make me want to spend the $50 or so and get a tubular lock pick. You’d have to lose a lot of quarters for it to be worth it, though.
I am completely addicted to Vanilla Coke. Before it came out, my wife and I used to buy vanilla-flavored rum and drink it with Coke. Now I can have the same flavor in a nonalcoholic version. Woohoo!
Seriously, though, I’m burning through that stuff like a crack addict.
This rant was awe-inspiring. Nearly shit myself laughing. I put this on my shortlist of all-time greatest, just for my sheer amazement at reading someone that’s nearly about to strangle on sheer pissed-offness. Even if I liked Vanilla (in more ways than one) Coke…which I don’t…I’d still be amazed.
As someone who has always loved real vanilla cokes made soda fountain style with real fizzy Coke and vanilla syrup, I just want to say for the record that Vanilla Coke® is a chemically flavored abomination.
It tastes like paint thinner has been added.
Diet paint thinner.
It is the vile and nasty. It tastes so bad that to say it tastes like rabid butt-licking dog slobber is an insult to rabid dog slobber.
It sucks demon cock.
Demon cock probably tastes better than this crap.
I would not drink it in a glass, I would not drink it cause it tastes like ass, I think the stuff is an unfunny joke, I do not like Vanilla Coke®.
