I’m currently EXTREMELY distraught and fearful. However, I notice my emotional responses usually feel pretty muted when I observe and compare them to other peoples reactions to stuff.
Good.
How does that make your body feel? Does it cause any physical pain or any other physical sensation?
Oh God, yes! I wish I could feed my husband and his emotional need would be sated as well. I wish that buying him flowers chocolate, diamonds or the moon would end the argument. If it were so easy…
I have a headache, feel tensed up and I haven’t eaten breakfast yet. The breakfast part is significant because, I can’t deal with being hungry very well. I turn into the Incredible Hulk if I don’t feed every five hours.
Since you asked for advice, here’s mine;
You should practise/memorize a half a dozen or so phrases along the line of, “Oh man!”, “That sucks!”, “What a jerk!”, “I’m so sorry your day was filled with suckage…”, “It sucks to be you today, so sorry!”
Next time you find yourself ‘there’, stand your ground. (You’re not a child and there isn’t any flying shrapnel.) Force yourself to stay in the moment with him, full eye contact. When he gets to the outrageous part, you should show a little of that on your face. When he gets to the ‘he’s appalled’ part, look appalled. Exaggerate your facial expressions, from your norm. When you speak your phrases, speak up and with emphasis. Let him get it all out, finish up with a big hug and numerous kisses. Tell him something sweet, that the world be damned, you think he’s all that. Now pop out a distraction for you both, movie, dinner, videogame, a walk…, etc.
I think you only need to force yourself through it once. It will definitely feel awkward the first few times. But I think, in no time at all, you’ll be over this hump and it will feel normal and sincere in a way that it won’t in the beginning.
You must have surely realized, by now, that the lessons on life’s path that you don’t ‘get’, just keep coming back around, again and again. Until you do ‘get’ them. Good on you for recognizing a blind spot, it takes real self awareness to do.
I’m confident you can do this. Think about when you learned to swim. There was no half step to take, you had to throw yourself into the water. That first time was hard, like a leap of faith. You had to muster up your courage, calm your pounding heart, and override a basic instinct saying, “Are you crazy? Stay on the land!”. But you did it.
I wish you nothing but good luck in your journey to a more open heart!
Awesome. You seem OK with expressing your own feelings, at least on a message board. You say you are tensed up. In what body parts?
When your husband wants to talk about his day, what physical feelings come up for you? Is it the same tension you have now, or is it different?
At the risk of sounding like a pseudo-analytical git here, I found your typo very telling.
It seems to me that you are afraid that if you allow your husband to open up to you and yourself to open up to your husband that you won’t be OK. You are afraid that something bad will happen to you. Maybe you’ll lose your own feelings of security, or your ability to rein in your emotions, or something.
How’d the rice turn out?
Maybe he’s a whiny drama queen.
Who needs to hear it all the time? Especially when you’re trying to eat!
Love me Mommy! Love me Mommy! Keeeerist.
Pondering this later, I remembered a situation from my life that was a bit similar. The woman I was dating said that in her family, complaining wasn’t allowed. By contrast, my family is like the Flying Wallendas of complaining.
Anyway she got really frustrated when I complained. I think she simply had no experience with it. If I complained about traffic, she’d say, “I can’t fix it for you!” Um, I didn’t expect her to…just venting.
Any of that ring a bell?
I’d agree with those who’ve suggested that you really only need to listen. Generally, if you mirror his facial expressions, lean forward slightly while listening to show you’re truly engaged and make murmured “Mmm hmm,” “Oh, that stinks,” “What a jackass!” responses, you’ll allow him to vent and let him know that you care.
My opinion is that your husband doesn’t want you to necessarily freak out on his behalf (then he’d have to calm you down) - just show that you give a crap. By the by, do you ever vent to him? When you’ve had a bad day, what do you do and how does your husband react? Is the issue that he feels like your relationship is emotionally unbalanced (i.e., he’s there for you but you don’t reciprocate) or is he under the impression you just don’t have emotions period? How was this handled when you first began seeing each other?
Yeah, frequency might have something to do with it.
This sounds a lot like me and my husband. I’m the cool, logical Scandinavian and he’s the volatile, venting, needs-to-be-the-center-of-attention spouse. I did start out sympathizing and giving him the attention he demanded, but all it did was to encourage long ranting tirades, usually about how everyone in the world but him is an asshole. After many many years of this, I’m frankly sick and tired of it and I’m turning a cold shoulder to his demands for center stage. I call it “pity fatigue”.
You’re avoiding conflict and emotionally rough terrain. While that’s an understandable reaction (who wants to be around conflict), it doesn’t address the issue. If your husband can’t count on you for emotional support when he needs it, who can he count on?
I’d start with some couple’s counselling, but wouldn’t be surprised if the therapist didn’t want to do some pretty deep one-on-one with you to get you the tools you need to fix the situation.
Sitting looking at him and saying uh uh, gets old really quick.
Maybe try: sit him down, get behind him and just massage his neck and shoulders and say, “tell me about it.” Now he can’t read your face and the uh uh’s are easier to take and the physical contact tells him you are there for him. Your only problem comes if he asks directly, what do you think I should do?" I’m sure the dopers have some stock non-committal answers for you.
I agree with the other Dopers that suggest Hubby might be a drama queen and the OP might find him more off-putting than sympathetic. Obviously, I don’t know, but that is my guess.
I know some people who think everything in the world is a huge injustice. I’m sure they just want to “rant” but I get tired of every conversation being a “rant.” So I avoid talking to them more and more…
Anyway…NoLAFIN have you ever discussed this problem with your husband at a time when he is not in a tizzy? Like a Sunday afternoon, over coffee? If every time it comes up you’re both “in a state” I don’t think anything can be resolved other than you becoming a “monster” and him becoming a “victim”
Try this.
The next time he comes in with a problem, don’t say anything. Just give him a hug. It’s been my experience with my husband that all he needs to do is vent. You’re not expected to solve the problem, he just wants a sympathetic ear.
My question is…are you aware of what you’re doing when you’re doing it? Such as, Hubby’s had a bad day, time to shut down and make the rice? Or is it an automated response and you don’t realize you’ve done it until it’s done?
I noticed that also.
Hi, I’m back. Just felt exhausted and slept on the couch for the past 2hrs. Then I called my husband at work for his lunchbreak (like I do every day from work).
He nearly stayed home today, but decided to go to work anyway. He usually stays mad for two-three days straight when we have this argument. He’s still angry and told me I should have gone to work as well. If he could do it so could I, he said.
I told him how sorry I am and that I’ll try harder to listen to him and that I love him.
I think one thing you should discuss with your husband, when both of you are calm, is exactly what kind of response he’s looking for from you. Maybe he just wants you to take him in your arms and hug him, with a smooch. Maybe he wants the comforting words suggested above, while you just sit still for ten minutes and look at him. What kind of actions would make him feel that you care? What specific actions make him think you don’t?
Once you know what specific things HE needs, then you will know what YOU need to do. It would do no good to give him the comforting platitudes if he really only wants a hug. So talk. Tell him what you’ve told us, about what you feel inside when confronted with stress, and let him know that when you start doing “X”, it’s because you are feeling things too much, and this is your way of calming yourself.
And apologize. Make him your partner in helping you open up. And consider counselling, as well, as long as you both go, even for a few sessions.
It’s an automated response. I can analyze and recognize what happens after the fact, but don’t notice the behavior when I’m actually doing it. Or rather I will myself to ignore the behavior, and everything else.