I come to this fine forum seeking your comments and advice, because I’m afraid I’m at the end of my rope here.
Here’s a brief synopsis:
My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 3.5 of that. We’re a very happy and loving couple most of the time.
The sticking point, if you will, is when my husband needs me emotionally, I shut down.
Ex. He came home from work yesterday, told me he’d had rough day, got yelled at and was basically blamed for his bosses’ negligence. What do I do? Make rice! :eek:
My logic basically was this: I’m starving, so we’ll eat supper and then we will discuss this. Of course, I don’t say any of this out loud and basically go uh-huh and nod when my husband tells me about his troubles.
By the time we’ve eaten, he’s pissed and retreats to the den and broods there all evening. I go ask him if I can do anything but it’s too late. He stormed out the door this morning, after telling me if I don’t try harder, our marriage won’t work.
Well, the point is, I do this every time my husband needs a shoulder to lean on. I know that I’m hurting him and that he feels abandoned by me when he most needs me. This has not changed in all the years we’ve been together. Every time he lays out any of his problems, I feel the panicky urge to literally run out the door and go hide in the woods until whatever is bothering him goes away.
So there it is. I need some advice on how to become more emotionally available. Please ask questions about my past, our relationship, anything to drag answers out of me!
Yes, that’s mostly it. There’s also that nagging feeling I have that whatever I might say will sound trite or downright false. Like: “I’ll be OK”, and such. How could I possibly know that it’ll be OK?
No. Also, I’m from Finland, so being emotionally…um…understated is the norm there. Also, my parents marriage was/is cold emotionally. I am an only child.
Well, short of going to individual or couples counseling perhaps you could try to just listen when he needs to vent. You don’t have to offer advice or tell him everything will be ok. Just sit quietly and listen. Give him a back rub, or a hug and just let him know you care and that you’re there for him. Often times when we’re troubled all we need is somebody to hold us, to just be present in the moment.
Also, when he’s not feeling down, have an open discussion with him regarding your difficulty in being emotionally available. Let him know you want to work on it and ask him what he needs from you to feel comforted.
That’s all I’ve got for now. Good luck and I have to say kudos to you for recognizing the issue and trying to work on it!
Chao and tdn: See, I am intellectually aware that this is what I should do, but when I actually need to do that, I have the same powerful instinctual reflex. I’ve noticed that I blank out my thoughts when this happens. It’s like I’m forcing myself into denial of the situation.
I know I need to fight this reflex, but I’ve been trying for 8 years and all I’ve managed to do is to is lessen the frequency.
Maybe it’s not that you want to run away from his feelings. Is it possible that you want to run away from your own? What demons of your own does he awaken?
Perhaps you or both of you need to talk to a therapist?
Short of that, the best advice I can give is to force yourself to stop what you’re doing, look at him, and listen. Even if you don’t say much, showing that you’re paying attention and actually listening will probably make a big difference.
I guess I grew up used to suppressing my emotions and it just terrifies me to see someone else, especially someone I love, showing so much of emotion. I’ve learned to associate that with weakness.
It doesn’t help that my husband is a very up-and-down person and highly emotive. He definitely wears his heart in (on?) his sleeve.
I’d say that the traditional gender roles are reversed in our marriage: I’m the rational, emotionally distant ‘husband’ and he is the emotional, vulnerable ‘wife’.
I recently went through an outpatient program for various addictions and as part of that we had to really drill down into feelings and emotions. I always feel like people should ‘suck it up’ or ‘get over it’. Thing is, emotions are there to protect you (in the long run) and you’re *supposed * to feel them. Pushing them down and ignoring them can eventually cause other problems: anxiety, depression, addiction, etc., because after so long, your mind can’t handle the repression anymore so you search out other ways to avoid ‘feeling’ things.
Maybe you just need to learn to let yourself feel your emotions and the rest will follow?
