My wife is a marriage counsellor and 99 times out of 100 the solution is really that easy.
That’s interesting. Do you find yourself shutting down when he says something that makes you worry about your personal security? When he complains about work do you sort of instantly picture yourself living on the streets? Is it possible that on some level you think that by ignoring him the threat of homelessness (or something dire like that) will just go away?
Are there some things that he complains about that you can listen to with no problem, maybe things that don’t carry a personal threat component?
I might be way off on that, but it would fit what you’ve said so far.
No, the solution wasn’t as easy as “Talk, listen, respond, rinse and repeat,” rather, the solution was as easy as “Hire a professional to help you learn how to talk, listen and respond.” That suggests it wasn’t easy.
-FrL-
Simple does not often equal easy. The “simple” formula for weight loss is “eat less, exercise more”, but a huge number of people find it anything but easy.
Well, the more serious the complaint, the more likely I am to shut down. I have no problem listening to him complain about day-to-day small stuff and giving him feedback/participating.
OK, that’s interesting. You don’t want to hear the big stuff, but the little stuff is OK.
Besides his lousy work days, what other subjects do you not want to hear about? Is there a common thread? Does even thinking about those topics cause some sort of discomfort in you? Like the physical pain we talked about earlier?
For the past year, it’s been only the work stuff I have problems dealing with. This is the first incident in at least a few months. I don’t remember exactly when we had the argument the last time, but it was while we were living in this house, so less than 1.5 years ago.
Just to note, I’ll be signing out in a little while. It’s 4:38pm here and my husband gets home in about an hour. I don’t want him to see these posts (at least not yet). I’ll check in again tomorrow.
Again, thank you for all your help.
-NoLAFIN
It sounds like you have a phobia of strong emotions, NoLAFIN (I think we all know that you can have a phobia about anything under the sun). You and your husband might benefit from seeing a marriage counsellor for other reasons, but I think if you were to talk to someone who specialized in curing phobias, it might be the best use of your money.
I’m surprised at how many people think you can deal with this on your own. While I believe that a lot of life’s problems can indeed be solved by honest self-examination, you seem like you’re already really aware of what your problem is and how you might begin to change your behavior, and you still can’t bring yourself to do it. That means it’s therapy time, and an individual therapist, not couples counseling, might be the best place to start. Once you’re established with your therapist, if you would like to invite your husband to join you in sessions, it might help you progress. Be aware that it’s probably going to be very uncomfortable for you to open up with a therapist, and you’re going to have to be willing to do some really emotionally difficult things to turn this around.
It sounds like you may feel you have a general inability to deal with strong emotions, yours or anyone else’s. If you’ve been trying to change your response for 8 years with no success, it’s time to get some help. Once things calm down and he knows that you’re not just trying to appease him, let your husband know that you’re taking this problem seriously and that you’re going to take some positive action this time around.
If you were going to be able to change by listening to general advice from strangers, I imagine you would have done it by now. Go ahead, get some help.
I’m back with an update.
Yesterday, my husband calls me at work and I can tell from his tone of voice that he’s not angry any more. He asks me to call him when I get off work, like I usually do.
He picks me up from work. Asks me to buy him dinner, so we hit Subway on the way home. We have normal conversations during evening and a pretty good time just talking like we always do.
He didn’t say he forgave me, or refer to the argument in any way. I didn’t either, I was just so relieved he’s calmed down.
I plan on broaching the subject tonight and discussing the things brought up on this board. Just the thought of doing this makes me nervous.
Wish me luck.
-NoLAFIN
Luck!