Help me invent some fictional airport signs

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

There was a story (and a couple of threads) recently about a female air traveller who put her baby through the x-ray machine at the security gate; based on this, I created this airport sign…

I have an idea for an audiovisual project that will require a few more of these kind of signs, and I thought the witty dopers here might like to help me dream them up. When it’s complete, I’ll share it here.

They need to be:

-Absurdist
-Expressible as an icon (I may be animating them, so they can incorporate actions)
-Expressible verbally in ten words or less
-Not necessarily explicit advice or admonition - they can just be information

Would anyone like to contribute?

2

Oh. They have to be reasonably child-safe - no swearing or excessively gruesome concepts such as decapitation.

3

Sign inside plane near windows

“Keep head and hands inside the vehicle at all times.”

(With X-out graphic of head out of window with big smile on face and hair blowing straight across and down the body of the plane stretching towards the turbine intake)
(or an arm doing the same thing)

Or similarily

“Do not attempt to exit moving vehicle.”

With like graphic of emergency door open and body getting swept out.

Sign near escalator

“Keep loose clothing/articles off moving stairs”

With graphic of pants being pulled off the body into the inards of the escalator.

Sign near airport lounge

“Happy hour for pilots only - from 6am to 9pm. Three for one!”

With graphic of passenger jet doing an inverted loop while barrell rolling, or an Andy Capp-esque character at the controls, full with bubbles over head and crooked smile.

Sign near gift shop cash register

“Pre-approvals in fifteen minutes or less!!”
Or,
“Get your quickie loans here”

Graphic of traveler with inverted empty pockets and hands in air with frowny face.

4

“This way for a full body-cavity search”

“Please tell our baggage handlers about any easily-accessible valuables in your suitcase”

“Muslim passengers may pray (and make other passengers very nervous) here”

“Please do not feed TSA personnel any donuts with sprinkles”

“Your feet stink. Please do NOT remove your shoes here”

“Hear selected flight-data recorder excerpts here”

“Discard cheap, disappointing paperback novels, bought just for the flight, here”

5

No Bombs Beyond This Point

Stand to the right on the escalator or you will be plowed flat by somebody who’s about to miss his flight

Cell phone use while at the urinal is strongly discouraged

NO jokes about bombs

===

I would like to say, however, that your “Do not put baby in X-Ray machine” sign is the funniest thing I have seen in a long, long time…

6

Laptop Area

7

“Racial profiler at work”

“Colicky baby section”

A sign for a special line at the security checkpoint for freaks with two laptops

“Please refrain from burping your meal during landing”

A sign for iPod snobs to listen to the announcement that does pertain to them.

8

No Sex in Lavatory; Blowjobs OK

9

Express security check for passengers with 5 weapons or less.

10

Concourse signs:

Treadmill 3A
Treadmill 5
Treadmill 7

And so on down the hall.

11

an airplane on a treadmill to indicate that the flight has been cancelled.

12

**In the event of an in-fllight emergency
large jagged holes will appear randomly
throughout the cabin for your convenience.

Do not eat contents of air-sickness bag

As a courtesy to your fellow passengers
please remove unexploded shoe bombs
from lavatory after use.

Press button to summon flight attendant.

Press button to summon Demons.

The cushion under your seat may be used as a
flotation device. This will allow you to die of
hypothermia or shark attack for
your convenience.

The use of portable electonic devices is strictly prohibitted.
Unless you have a laser gun and the plane is
experiencing an alien attack.**

13

How about “constant inane loud cellphone chattering section” - have a sign with a few people figures on cellphones with loudness lines around them?

Or “warning - pinhead TSA agent ahead”. Put in a red triangle, a figure with TSA on its chest, with a head a few sizes too small?

14

Express Lane

15

Do not stow babies/pets in the overhead compartment.

Do not stow fragile items in the overhead compartment, under the seat in front of you or in your lap.

Customer service desk is [Closed] to serve you better.

When do we get to see some more icons?

16

By the way, when I saw your work in the origianl thread, I laughed my butt off. It took me moment to realize that it was not real. Kudos.

17

“NO BAUMS ALLOWED ON THIS AIRLINE. (WE DON’T DARE PAGE THEM.”
(I’ve always wondered about my friends with this name but never wanted to ask them about it.)

Addendum to OP X-ray sign:

They must go into checked baggage.

18

Hmmm… there are some useful ideas here, but I probably should elaborate a bit on the intended style of the project.

The soundtrack is going to be Kraftwerk-esque, with an electronic voice reading verse something like this:
Restaurant, elevator, departure screen
Do not put baby in x-ray machine
With various signs flashing up in time with the words.

19

No farts allowed beyond this point?

http://www.thisistrue.com/currentissue.html

20

Do NOT bring any (Oedipal) snakes on this (Oedipal) plane.

No live fishing bait in carry-on bags, please.

If you are carrying musical instruments, please inform TSA, so they can destroy them BEFORE boarding.

If you don’t eat your meat, you can’t have any pudding.

No fuming, even in self-defense.

If an in-flight meal is served, clean your plate before end of flight.