Help me make fun of Crystal Gail

[loshan]

While looking at this thread, I found the site below and felt compelled to start a separate thread just to make fun of the woo.

I present: this site. My snarky talents just aren’t up to the task of taking this on by myself.

Reconnective Healing ™ is a healing modality using the light and information exchange of the fifth dimensional circulatory system for the renewal of the human body.

Hospitals and universities across the country are investing time and money in an attempt to explain them. People report seeing angels and experiencing miraculous healings from many serious afflictions.

and, finally:

My Spiritual teacher has shared that The Recent Tsunami in the Indian Ocean was caused by many factors, one being all of the unresolved emotions in human consciousness.

Crystal Gail’s site has already made my day better by making me actually LOL, which might lead me to believe in her methods, but I think Dopers could significantly enhance the experience.

If it has to be moved to the Pit, it is probably because my chakras were all fucked up when I posted this. Or maybe my personal transmission won’t shift into the fifth dimension circulatory system, leaving me forever stuck in fourth on the freeway of life.:rolleyes:

[Nobody]

That just makes my brown eyes blue.

[Cicero]

Isn’t Chris Gayle a West Indian cricketer?

[lost4life]

You could tease her that Loretta is more talented, or make fun of Kentucky.

[Chefguy]

Obviously, Chrystal Gail is a new form of concentrated meth.

[Sampiro]

Note: it’s not Crystal Gayle but somebody with a homophonic name.

[Cryptic_C62]

Hospitals and universities across the country are investing time and money in an attempt to explain them.

…and which country is this, exactly?

Perhaps what she meant to say was:

Hospitals and universities across the country are investing time and lollipops in an attempt to explain that our philosophy is nonsense.

[brittekland]

Wannabe

[Chefguy]

@Sampiro

Note: it’s not Crystal Gayle but somebody with a homophonic name.

Homophonia is just so repulsive and unnatural, innit?

[running_coach]

@Chefguy

Homophonia is just so repulsive and unnatural, innit?

It only sounds like it is.

[Rhythmdvl]

I herd what you did there.

[Jenaroph]

Reconnective Healing ™ is a healing modality using the light and information exchange of the fifth dimensional circulatory system for the renewal of the human body.

But it only works when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars.

[postcards]

First sentence of the second paragraph of OP’s link:

“Crystal Gail provides healing in a number of different modalities.”

Tiny print at the bottom of the left sidebar of same link:

“Crystal Gail makes no specific claims, promises, or guarantees. Crystal Gail does not prevent, diagnose, treat, or cure disease.”

So if she doesn’t treat or cure disease, what the fuck does she heal?

[Nobody]

Modalities, duh!

OK, according to Wikipedia

@Wikipedia

Medicine

-Sensory modality or Stimulus modality, a type of physical phenomenon that one can sense, such as temperature and sound
-In psychotherapy, a method of therapeutic approach
-In medical imaging, any of the various types of equipment or probes used to acquire images of the body, such as radiography, ultrasound and magnetic resonance imaging

Clear as mud now?

[running_coach]

@postcards

First sentence of the second paragraph of OP’s link:

“Crystal Gail provides healing in a number of different modalities.”

Tiny print at the bottom of the left sidebar of same link:

“Crystal Gail makes no specific claims, promises, or guarantees. Crystal Gail does not prevent, diagnose, treat, or cure disease.”

So if she doesn’t treat or cure disease, what the fuck does she heal?

Swollen bank accounts.

[Inner_Stickler]

The surplus of zeros in your bank account.

[BigT]

@Nobody

Modalities, duh!

OK, according to Wikipedia
Clear as mud now?

I know you’re being humorous, but I do want to point out that Wikipedia is not a dictionary. The word really has a meaning, and the following is the correct definition from TheFreeDictionary:

5. Medicine A therapeutic method or agent, such as surgery, chemotherapy, or electrotherapy, that involves the physical treatment of a disorder.

It’s a medical term, used to make her sound more like a real doctor.

[Full_Metal_Lotus]

It pretty obvious that the cynicism is caused by all the red meat you guys eat misaligning your chackras. I can help, just send $14,99 for my free booklet on how to avoid online healing scams, and I will include some earth crystals infused with healing vibrational engery from the 6th dimension (only quacks, charlatans and the ignorant believe in that silly “5th Dimensional” healing energy - DON’T Fall for it!). If you act today, and mention this ad, I will include absolutely free (small shipping and handling charge of $19.99 applies) the do it your self elemental aluminium mind shield. One size fits all!

Fullmetallotus makes no claims of healing or tharapuetic value, or honesty, integrity or concern for your well being in anyway. Send $10.99 plus your banking and credit information for a full disclosure and demonstration of our ethical framework and financial modality adjustment service.

All sales final. Send $10.99 today for a demonstration of this spiritaul principle.

[postcards]

@runner pat

Swollen bank accounts.

Thank you. I was trying to think of a phrasing like that.

[Cat_Whisperer]

@Full_Metal_Lotus

It pretty obvious that the cynicism is caused by all the red meat you guys eat misaligning your chackras. I can help, just send $14,99 for my free booklet on how to avoid online healing scams, and I will include some earth crystals infused with healing vibrational engery from the 6th dimension (only quacks, charlatans and the ignorant believe in that silly “5th Dimensional” healing energy - DON’T Fall for it!). If you act today, and mention this ad, I will include absolutely free (small shipping and handling charge of $19.99 applies) the do it your self elemental aluminium mind shield. One size fits all!<snip>

Wow, that’s a great deal! Where should I send the money? Or would you prefer my VISA card number? How about I just give you my bank account numbers?