Take it with a grain of salt, but I have been in (perhaps) a similar situation, only in the role that your wife seems to be taking. My daughter (who is severely learning disabled, but I didn’t know until this year) and I moved in with my s.o. about a year and a half ago, after s.o. and I dated for about eight months. Prior to this relationship, I was really floundering with a child who was extremely demanding and willful. Because of her medical problems I pretty much let her run wild. I didn’t take command of my parental authority, which sounds like perhaps the way your wife might be handling things. However, my s.o., who is loving and patient, took charge of the situation in a subtle, creative manner. Even before the move, my s.o. patiently suggested ways of structuring our life, and supported me in doing so. He’s probably been more hands-on than he’s even wanted to. Anyway, with that and a buttload of counseling (which I attend with my daughter - at this point, we’re about ready to be done with counseling, knock on wood), our situation has really turned around. When my daughter was 10, I thought she was headed for a life of trouble. Now, at 12, she is more and more turning out as a well-adjusted kid.
Anyway, the long and short of what I’m saying is that parents providing structure and supporting each other can go a long way towards getting a kid out of trouble. We only have a short time to raise them before they’re in the adult world, with whatever skills, positive or negative, that they happen to have acquired. (DISCLAIMER: I totally understand that you know this already. I am not trying to question you in any way. Just rhetorical, I guess) I admit that I did a terrible job of providing structure and consequences previously, because of guilt, fear, or whatever reason, and the result was an oppositional, violent child that I was afraid would wind up in juvenile or worse. It was really difficult to admit my parenting problems, and a huge struggle to correct them, but with my s.o.'s commitment and support, things have changed dramatically for the better. However, denial is a very strong coping mechanism and blocked me from dealing with this problem for many years. I used to get angry when someone would suggest that my daughter needed more structure or discipline. It was only within the caring, trusting atmosphere of my s.o.'s and my relationship that I found the strength to perceive and change my shortcomings, for my daughter’s benefit. (I fought against change as much as my daughter did, at first!) Perhaps your support and strength might lend your wife the courage she needs to change the family dynamic. All I know is that in my situation, the change was slow and arduous to develop, but well worth it. My lovely daughter, who is now in most respects a typical child, has hope for a bright future since her social and emotional problems of the past have been pretty much resolved.
I hope I have not offended with this rather long-winded treatment of the issue. I have no way of knowing what your family situation is like. I can only express what has happened to me. I’m also not trying to imply that you do not know, or have not already tried, what I’m suggesting. I just wanted to throw our story out there to provide an example and deal with what I see as an important issue that may or may not apply to you. I do know this: it’s not just about the door. My heart goes out to you and your family. When someone in a family is out of control, everyone in the family feels out of control. I don’t know any specific suggestions of what to do or say, that can only come from you of course. I just hope that our story holds some ideas for you that you can perhaps build on. Good luck.