Help me not be upset with my wife

I got home from work today and Mrs. Blue Sky greets me a warm hello and a “I need you to do something. Not right away though!”.

I was tired and aggravated from a long day of battling the evil minions of Satan also known as insurance companies.

I ask, “Do I have to leave the house to do this?”

She then proceeds to tell me my stepson has not only locked the key to his room IN his room, but he has managed to lock HER copy of the key in there as well.

Getting into the windows is not possible since they’re locked tight. The old credit-card-in-between-the-door-and-jamb is out since the outside molding surrounding the door prevents this. Attempts at picking the lock are unsuccessful.

I suggest cutting the lock out of the door and letting him suffer a little and then making him pay for a new one.

She calls a locksmith.

Thirty minutes and $45 later, the door is open.

That’s $45 we cannot afford right now.

I had suggested that we could have replaced the door at a time when we could afford it and it would have cost less, but she would have none of that logic.

The stepson has been a point of contention since he turned 13 a couple of years ago.

She will absolutely not discipline him! I mean, it’s not like he’s popping caps in people’s asses or anything…yet.

Her continual denial WILL end in tragedy. I’ve posted threads about this before and how he’s going down the path that my younger married five times w/4-6 children not to mention 4 DUIs and a couple of trips to the pokey brother did so many years ago and most Dopers suggested I was being paranoid.

After the locksmith left, I did too. I went for an hour-long drive and returned without much to say.

I’m a lot calmer now than I was when I got the initial news, but I’m still plenty pissed.

How old is the kid? Was it deliberate or an accident?

He’s 15. She says it was an accident, but he’s locked his key in his room on numerous occasions.

I would have killed for a lockable bedroom door at 15. But I didn’t get one … never even occurred to me to ask. Why don’t you just take away the key? (After unlocking the door, I guess.)

A lockable bedroom door? Not just one of those lame “push the button and maybe it’ll stay locked” locks, but a real honest-to-goodness key-requiring lock? WOW! The fun I coulda had at 15…

Why in the world is there a lock on his (I assume bedroom) door in the first place? Is it to keep siblings out? Or parents?

My kid brother and I got into a fight when I was around 15, the end result being my bedroom door being torn of the hinges (he’s a BIG boy). Part of my punishment was to not have a door for a few months. I had a blanket nailed to the door frame for privacy–but no REAL privacy. That’s a pretty big deal for a 15 year old with 2 siblings, but my bro and I never fought again (at least not physically).

I can’t see a reason why his door needs to be locked in the first place, unless he’s got something that he doesn’t want you or his mom to see. But, not replacing the door or the lock mihgt be an appropriate punishment. MHO.

~S

Make a copy of the key that only you know about. Then the next time it happens make everyone leave the area before you get your key. Unlock the door, call everyone back and make a show of using your Ancient Ninja Secrets and tap the door 3 times then open it. :smiley:

I agree, lose the lock. If he whines, take the door knob set too leaving him with a door that cannot be secured.

And what in the name of the 7 hells was HER key doing in his room?

Dude, at least make a freaking copy of the key and put it on YOUR keyring.

Well, the reason he has it is because his older sister (21) would go in his room and take his stuff (of course, denying it) and messing with his Playstation. She also has a locking door because, when he was younger, he would do the same thing to her.

Sharing is an alien concept between the two and, whether she likes to admit it or not, my wife favors him over her.

He’s not allowed to lock it when we’re all home unless he’s changing clothes or some such.

I am sorely tempted to remove the lock.

As I said, he locked his key in the room and my wife gave him her copy to get in and get it. The copy IS mine, but she was using it to get in his room to put his clothes away (he was staying with his father that weekend) and she just forgot to give it back to me.

Leave the lock, just make a copy of they key and don’t tell him. That way he thinks he is still in charge of his room.

Take it with a grain of salt, but I have been in (perhaps) a similar situation, only in the role that your wife seems to be taking. My daughter (who is severely learning disabled, but I didn’t know until this year) and I moved in with my s.o. about a year and a half ago, after s.o. and I dated for about eight months. Prior to this relationship, I was really floundering with a child who was extremely demanding and willful. Because of her medical problems I pretty much let her run wild. I didn’t take command of my parental authority, which sounds like perhaps the way your wife might be handling things. However, my s.o., who is loving and patient, took charge of the situation in a subtle, creative manner. Even before the move, my s.o. patiently suggested ways of structuring our life, and supported me in doing so. He’s probably been more hands-on than he’s even wanted to. Anyway, with that and a buttload of counseling (which I attend with my daughter - at this point, we’re about ready to be done with counseling, knock on wood), our situation has really turned around. When my daughter was 10, I thought she was headed for a life of trouble. Now, at 12, she is more and more turning out as a well-adjusted kid.

Anyway, the long and short of what I’m saying is that parents providing structure and supporting each other can go a long way towards getting a kid out of trouble. We only have a short time to raise them before they’re in the adult world, with whatever skills, positive or negative, that they happen to have acquired. (DISCLAIMER: I totally understand that you know this already. I am not trying to question you in any way. Just rhetorical, I guess) I admit that I did a terrible job of providing structure and consequences previously, because of guilt, fear, or whatever reason, and the result was an oppositional, violent child that I was afraid would wind up in juvenile or worse. It was really difficult to admit my parenting problems, and a huge struggle to correct them, but with my s.o.'s commitment and support, things have changed dramatically for the better. However, denial is a very strong coping mechanism and blocked me from dealing with this problem for many years. I used to get angry when someone would suggest that my daughter needed more structure or discipline. It was only within the caring, trusting atmosphere of my s.o.'s and my relationship that I found the strength to perceive and change my shortcomings, for my daughter’s benefit. (I fought against change as much as my daughter did, at first!) Perhaps your support and strength might lend your wife the courage she needs to change the family dynamic. All I know is that in my situation, the change was slow and arduous to develop, but well worth it. My lovely daughter, who is now in most respects a typical child, has hope for a bright future since her social and emotional problems of the past have been pretty much resolved.

I hope I have not offended with this rather long-winded treatment of the issue. I have no way of knowing what your family situation is like. I can only express what has happened to me. I’m also not trying to imply that you do not know, or have not already tried, what I’m suggesting. I just wanted to throw our story out there to provide an example and deal with what I see as an important issue that may or may not apply to you. I do know this: it’s not just about the door. My heart goes out to you and your family. When someone in a family is out of control, everyone in the family feels out of control. I don’t know any specific suggestions of what to do or say, that can only come from you of course. I just hope that our story holds some ideas for you that you can perhaps build on. Good luck.

The stepson has been a point of contention since he turned 13 a couple of years ago. She will absolutely not discipline him! I mean, it’s not like he’s popping caps in people’s asses or anything…yet.

Don’t let him manipulate you through mommy. I am quite certain you love her dearly, and she loves you BUT why let her kid make you crazy?

First step is in the morning go to the tool box in your house. Take the cylinders out of all the damned bedroom doors. Tell BlueBrat and BlueSisBrat to suck it up. Parental bedroom is the only bedroom in the house that should have a lock on the door.

Well, the reason he has it is because his older sister (21) would go in his room and take his stuff (of course, denying it) and messing with his Playstation. She also has a locking door because, when he was younger, he would do the same thing to her.

They screw with each others stuff, well MAYBE doing without will teach them not to screw with someone elses toys. DON’T let MrsBlueSky replace the stuff. If they screw it up for each other, then they can pay to replace it.

And is there any particular reason a 21 year old is still living at home? Doesnt she like have a job? Why can’t she live in a flat of her own? Sheesh, I was out of the house by 18 and so was my brother. Most people I know the kids are out after graduating and either working, military or in college somewhere.

Give him a locking footlocker box or something like that for his valuables and take the lock off the door. He can lock you out when he starts paying rent for his own place.

She has a job and was making a pathetic attempt at going to college. We told her that as long as she was going to college, she could stay. However, she’s lazy. She ended up losing her HOPE scholarship. She’s not going for the summer semester. If she decides not to go in the fall, she WILL start paying rent and doing a LOT more chores around the house or she will lose her phone, her internet access (she insists on paying for AOL), and I will cut her car insurance off. (For details, track down my Pit thread about her screwing my previous computer).

I was 23 when I left home and was damned happy to do so. She wouldn’t last long on her own. As I have mentioned in a previous Pit thread, she has a serious priority problem with money.

IANAP but I have worked with teens for years. Would it be possible to take both of their locks away, now that they are older, and let them figure it out on their own?

As a parent of three children (21, 18, 14), I have an opinion on this. Privacy is an earned privilige.

I have on occasion taken a door off the hinges for punishment for slamming doors in anger. There should be no way that bedroom doors have a lock on them. All the bedroom doors lock in my house, but with the type that doesn’t need a real key to open them. I’m not even crazy about the foot locker idea mentioned above by featherlou.

I don’t go into their rooms without knocking. I encourage them to have privacy when they’re in there. I just don’t think I should be restricted from going in there if I’m feeding, clothing, and educating them.

Yes, my younger two still get into arguments about going into the other’s room without asking. So be it. I use it as an opportunity to remind them to respect each others property. Siblings fight. Get used to it.

E3

I’m not a parent, just a teacher - which means I get to leave my problem children behind every day at 3 p.m. When I have students come up to me and say things like “I forgot my eraser in my locker,” “I don’t have a pencil, so I can’t do my work,” or “I left my CD player in the bathroom,” my usual response is something along the lines of “Gosh, sorry to hear that. Sucks to be you.”

He locks himself out of his room, he can sleep on the couch and wear the same clothes every day until he pays for a lock smith. I don’t see why you should have to strain yourself to fix his mistakes.

By the way, I think most of what we’re saying here is aimed at your wife who is preventing her children from developing the tools required to live in the real world by babying them.

That’s what I’ve been trying to do.

My aforementioned brother? He’s 37 now and guess where he’s living?

Go on. Guess.