Help me out with this difficult social setting...

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hi all,

There’s a long backstory to this whole mess but I’ll try to cut it short. Long ago, about 5 or 6 years back, I used to be an active Christian and served with a parachurch ministry. Now, I do not practise my religion formally (i.e, I do not go to church) and I had a falling out with that parachurch ministry some time back. It was during a bad time of my life and I decided to cut contact with them totally.

(The falling out was due to me disagreeing with some leadership issues, and the ever-increasing resentment that I got my freedom infringed on by them. The whole story can be found here. To be fair, now looking back, I might been over-reacting and generalising some of their decisions).

Now some years have passed and all the dust had settled, and I have more or less moved on. Just last week I recieved a call from someone in the ministry – let call her G. She said that R, one of my mentors last time back then during my ministry days, had thrown a causal gathering, and I am one of the person invited. It’s her birthday, actually. G said that she just wants to catch up with me.

Back during my ministry days, R took great care of me. Well, at times it was annoying. She nagged at me to look to the important stuff and in some way brought me out of the shell that I was socially hiding in. Of course, like all Christians who are entrenched in their beliefs, she could be fussy about certain things which are totally normal. But alll in all, she done a lot of good for me and I respect her.

So I made up my mind to go. But I am afraid that of the following:

  1. They ask me to rejoin the ministry. Saying ‘no’ may result in the usual 'But you need to put God first in your life" or 'But the Bible said “Seek Ye first the Kingdom of God” – you know, the usual “this-world-is-passing-away-so-why-fret-so-much” kind of argument.

  2. They ask me about my ‘Christian walk’, which as far as I am concerned, is of nobody’s business but mine alone, and I don’t have to share it unless I want to. I don’t feel like winging stuff, but I am get honest, well, I get a handful of preaching again.

Of course, this being a informal, causal birthday celebration, I am also hoping that each and everyone of them present knew it isn’t the right time to discuss those issues (especially point 1). But you never know.

On my part, I tend to be get emotional easily, and I not the best at pulling a poker face. How shall I respond to those questions? I lack experience in such matters, and beseech the Dope for advice. How can I brush those questions away without coming off as too brusque and making a scene and remain cordial?

(Not going there in the first place is one option, of course, but let assume that I have decided to go anyway)

2

You either want these people in your life, or you don’t. You know them, and what their agenda is. If you’re not down with the program, I think it’s best to just keep your distance, and skip the gathering.

3

Are these the kind of believers who would accept/appreciate a statement of “I don’t feel that God is calling me to be in that form of ministry at this time”?

If so, try that. Or make it simpler: “At this time, my place is elsewhere”.

“I hope to show people the glory of God through ordinary things”

“I’ve moved on. Maybe someday I’ll feel called to ministry again, but not right now.”

“Sorry. I’m happy in the field of [whatever you are doing now] and not interested in looking back at the past”

“I’d rather not talk about it”

“I’d rather talk about your walk. [listen] Didn’t anyone ever tell you about the virtues of humility?” (or to glory in trials, or whatever is an appropriate response. Note: I don’t think it’s coming across in print, but this is meant in a witty, even sarcastic manner. Though the nastiness of it might not come through to the other person, or else it might come across only too well, and you’d look mean. Oh, well, as long as I’m proposing things to say, might as well make a few of them obvious duds.
“It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, I’d rather talk about what’s going on your life these days”

“OH, Look, I see [blank] over there, I haven’t talked to her yet”
Don’t worry too much. It isn’t your words, as much as your tone and actions which will make you appear brusque or making a scene.

Remember, you are happy (unless you want to be sharkbait), you are healthy ( I assume), and this is one evening out of your life, so worst comes to worst, you leave early, and admit that going was a bad idea. But they might well be more sensitive to you and why you left than you fear. Or they might not be. (I’ll admit it, I didn’t read your backstory thread, so I don’t know what details you provided).

4

You left their company for a reason originally; it would be naive of you to assume that they won’t act in the ways that you know they are likely to act in. If you don’t like the way they will act, don’t go. If you want to socialize with some members of the group, socialize with them one-on-one; when you get in a group setting, you will probably get group dynamics again. If you do decide to socialize with any of them, it is perfectly fine for you to tell them as much about your religious choices as you choose; if they push, make it clear that religion is a private matter for you, and you’d appreciate it if they would leave it alone. If they still push, I don’t see much of a future for friendship with them.

As an aside, religion is considered a private matter in Canada. The way you United Statesians are all in each other’s faces about such a personal thing is quite surprising to me.

5

Send a card.
In it, if you want to show appreciation to R & get caught up, tell her that you’d love to take her to lunch.

That way, it can be on your terms, with one person. Not you vs. the accumulated God Gang, getting jumped by the whole congregation at once, being the odd man out.

Who knows? Maybe R would benefit by seeing your example right now. And it would allow you to separate R the person from R the member of the group.

Sometimes the Jerks for Jesus are so loud, people forget there’s non-jerk believers out there too. Thanks for linking to your old post, it was good reading.

6

I like Eureka’s suggestions, they’re the kinds of things Miss Manners advises.

Personally, when I wimp out on just saying No, I’ll do it in a present tense. Like “I’m not ready to join this ministry at this time.” It won’t necessarily shut down arguments, but you don’t have to take their position or explain yours. If you assume you’re going to get a sales pitch anyway, no point in arguing.

I hope the party is fun - I think it’s sometimes a good idea to stay in touch with people even though you’ve rejected the group’s ideals. Sometimes those groups can become so insular, they assume that everyone “outside” is somehow weird & different. And it’s often a good way to find out how YOU have changed.

7

Come up with a good reason, supported by the Bible, why you will not be a part of their ministry/answer their questions. It was easy for me to leave a religous organization when something the pastor said struck me and I basically did what he told me to do by leaving the church. People who were friends with me at the time didn’t quite get it, but that can be their problem, because I was at peace about my decision.

The verses about different parts of the same body/different spiritual gifts comes to mind a generic enough to work. If you are fairly sure you won’t be called on it, say you don’t want to get into a deep conversation at a social event, but “we should get together sometime” and then hope sometime turns into never.

I haven’t read the other thread yet, either, though, so YMMV.

8

If you’re afraid you’ll be asked questions you’re not comfortable answering, the obvious solution is not to go. If you choose to go anyway, the safest (meaning, least attackable) answer is “I’d rather not talk about it now.” (Unstated: “or ever.”) And repeat and repeat:

“When will we see you in church again?”
“I’d rather not talk about it now.”
“What does that mean? Aren’t you coming back?”
“I’d rather not talk about it now.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’d rather not talk about it now.”
“There’s no need to get defensive.”
“I don’t mean to sound defensive, but I’d rather not talk about it now.”

Keep trying to change the subject;if necessary excuse yourself and walk away. Lather, rinse, repeat.

A gathering where I would anticipate many such exchanges doesn’t sound like much fun to me. A gathering where I might suspect people would make concerted efforts to “reclaim” me really doesn’t sound like any fun to me.

If you are interested in maintaining a relationship with R. (or with G. for that matter), I would suggest sending her a birthday card in which you express your regret for being unable to attend her birthday party but you’d love to get together for a coffee or something. Then you can see one-on-one if she is really someone you are going to want in your life going forward. (Meaning, she brings something to your relationship other than a sense of guilt that you are no longer living your life as she thinks you should.) If she’s not, fine; if she is, fine. But at least if her true motivation is to try to drag you back into the fold, she’ll have to do it on her own, without a number of supporters behind her. I would especially recommend insisting on a one-on-one meeting (if any) if you don’t feel you’re emotionally equipped to handle pressure from several people at once.

I wouldn’t go to the party, though.