I don’t even know. Not that I’m excusing it, but maybe Dude is just touchy feely? (Just a guess based on picking up the dogs too.) Some people are pretty hands-on. I don’t know where it comes from. It wouldn’t even occur to me to touch someone I just met, let alone lift them off the ground. He seems like a Grade A asshole though, considering he “Doesn’t know what your problem is.”
I’m guessing your husband didn’t really know how to process it either. Had to be some mix of failing you/failing to protect you, how the hell did that happen, why the hell did that happen, now the party’s weird, should I punch this guy I shouldn’t want to punch this guy but I really want to punch this guy.
As of the after-aftermath, I’d probably decide that both Dude and Friend don’t really need to be in the picture anymore.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this experience. Being petite shouldn’t mean that anyone and everyone can pick you up and play with you like a doll. What a schmuck. (him, not you)
I’m not perpetually happy for the gift of height that my Teutonic ancestors bestowed upon me, but your story reminds me that it isn’t always bad to be 5’11".
Absolutely. If someone did that to me and were actually getting my feet off the ground I’d punch them in the face. Hard.
I’d be uncomfortable at intervening in such a situation. 1. You don’t mess with my lady. 2. That is out of my character. I’m a chill dude and don’t like confrontation. So I would be upset at the dude for what he did and I would be upset that I was made to feel upset and I would probably have a hard time sleeping that night which would also upset me.
Touchy-feely and has no understanding of appropriate boundaries. This is a dude to steer a wide berth around. If he did that to me I’d have hurt him. And if that didn’t stop him, my husband would have definitely punched him out. And actually, I would have been secretly hoping the dogs bit him before this balcony thing happened because I am a big animal person and I can’t stand watching clueless idiots annoying them.
Hey I know exactly where you’re coming from. I’ve been there, it’s very scary. Even if it’s someone you know! If you’re small or slight it’s not that unheard of for a drunken friend to think, “Hey, bet I could lift you up!”, and then proceed to try!
It’s never happened to me, with a stranger, that would be so much worse!
Having spent an ungodly number of hours in bars with hubby’s drunken hammerhead friends, I eventually stumbled onto a Defense strategy that would work for me. I may not be large, or heavy, but the Gods gifted me with remarkably pointy elbows. And I learned to weird them like a freaking Ninja!
(That can give a girl a reputation! )
Glad you escaped and your man stepped in, but don’t apologize! Goodness, you’re both feeling bad to have been involved in such an incident, that’s all.
Yeah, the dog thing was such a red flag – the host’s girlfriend kept saying throughout the evening that the guy needed to stop picking up the dogs, and he just acted like she was being silly – ‘see! they like me!’ he even said, as one was writhing and barking and snapping at him… yuck.
The problem with people with no boundaries is that people with boundaries are so hesitant to call it out – because it would be rude.
I appreciate all the support, guys. It’s nice to be told I’m not nuts about this.
Any suggestions for how we should handle this if we go to visit Friend? He lives nearby in a nice town, and my husband and him have been good friends for a while (more than a decade). Would it be appropriate for my husband to ask that Dude be elsewhere if we make the trip? My inclination is ‘yes’ but I’m not sure if there’s a good way to phrase the request. I’ve already told my husband that if we do ever see this guy again I’m leaving immediately, and he was very supportive of that.
That guy was a grade A asshole and you have nothing to be ashamed or apologetic for.
His friend minimizing his shit behavior is sketchy though. Nobody would behave like that in my house and still get to stay in my house. But then for him to imply there was something wrong with you for being upset by it? No way.
Asking that you never have to encounter him again is a perfectly reasonable request.
I should clarify slightly: the host of the party was not Friend. Friend + Dude and Husband and me were all guests of Host (who was, I believe, passed out drunk at the time of the incident).
When people are passing out drunk, it is no longer a ‘nice’ party.
You & your husband need to have a plan or three already in your pockets with clear signals for each other for things like this.
also, if you don’t feel comfortable with gouging the eyes there are alternatives. Grab him by the ears, squeeze hard(use fingernails if so inclined) and TWIST, FORCEFULLY, his head back so he is looking up (or down depending on your physical position at the moment). If you’re not squeamish, had all your shots etc. you can then BITE him on the nose if the ear twisting doesn’t do the trick. You can make ANY man submit with a good ear hold
Now that everyone has assured you that you did nothing wrong …
You did something wrong. You left the party. That gave Dude the opportunity to “resolve” the issue without you, and to spin the event to his benefit. Leaving implied you were at fault in some weird way, or at least made it easier to blame you behind your back.
I know you were upset, but you should have stayed on the balcony, with the other guests, demonstrating that you were not some hysterical female type person. Okay, maybe not on the balcony, but the living room.
By the way, this man puts his hands on you without your consent, and after your expressed non-consent. He assaulted you. His friend is a dick.
Your husband is as shaken as you are, that’s all.
Oh, and the bridge of the nose is very sensitive. Go for the Adam’s apple, and when he drops his chin, get him on the nose.
Don’t ask your friend anything. The subject is not up for discussion. Tell him. Say, “Dude’s an asshole and we don’t like his girlfriend, either. If he shows up again, we’re leaving.” Then, if necessary, put it into effect.
And don’t apologize to Friend, either. Friend should be falling all over himself with embarrassment that one of his other friends assaulted you. If he wants to hang out with Dude, he can do it on his own time. If he chooses to hang out with Dude instead of your husband, well, that’s a shame, but it’s his loss.
Host is passed out? You’re at the wrong kind of “party” with the wrong kind of people. I’d have only stayed if I were getting shit-faced, too. And if everybody is getting “buzzed” you’re always going to have some idiot pull off what the Dude tried to do. I’d find another group of friends if you want to be sure to avoid such “harmless” assaults at a gathering. If that’s not in the cards, then be ready to handle a likely repeat.
I disagree strongly, unless the OP’s main goal in life is to be some kind of vigilante avenger. This is not a stage debate. This is a physical assault. Moving away from a physically violent assault does not demonstrate that one is a hysterical female type person.
I think Dude should have been thrown out immediately as a bare minimum. What I’d prefer to see happen is the host calls the cops (and a host should always be up to the task of assuring the safety of their guests).
I appreciate what you’re saying, and I do think we should ‘tell, rather than ask’ as you put it, but Friend is not a bad guy. I think he was really embarrassed, but the part that made me angry was him saying that no one else had ever objected when Dude acted like this before. Given how clueless Friend seemed by that, I want (my husband) to say something that is very clear, but not overly-angry seeming, before we visit.
One more thing: I wish host had been awake, too – he really was the only one notably drunk, though. It was not some raucous gathering, I swear.
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