Help me shop for Christmas

As is traditional at this time of year, I am scrambling to buy the last of my Christmas gifts. I know, I have waited far too long - I was hoping to be able to find the following items myself but have fallen short. I turn to you for help in finding the last handful of things I need to put under the tree this year:

  1. A life-sized cardboard cutout of Bea Arthur

  2. A dildo that looks like the Dildo Creature from Yo Gabba Gabba (image link, work safe - and no, I guess his name isn’t really Dildo Creature)

  3. Penguin footie pajamas for a man standing 6’1" weighing 250lbs

  4. A bottle of chloroform (ether is also acceptable)

  5. Someone who wants to buy life insurance (ahhh, you caught me - this one’s for me)

  6. A “Barbie” style doll with male genitals
    Your help is most appreciated. Thanks!

I don’t know who your girlfriend is, but you are definitely not spanking her enough.

Don’t worry - already got my new whippin’ belt for the New Year.

Behold, penguin footies in adult XL

The Bea Arthur cut out is something that I think every home should have.

This site looks very crappy but they appear to make custom cardboard cutouts

So at least using “custom cardboard cutouts” as a new starting off point to get the Bea Arthur cutout may help.

Here’s a very pricy Ken doll with junk:

Wow! We’re really getting somewhere. I…I have to say I wasn’t expecting pubes on Ken, but I’m not sad about it.

(There’s a sentence I never thought I’d say.)

Bath squirters that I guess you could use for adult fun from Yo Gabba Gabba

Ten Inches of Vinyl Muno Doll

chloroform or more chloroform or ether and more ether and yet more ether

This place make hollywood cut outs, you should be able to get them to do one of Bea Arthur.

Three days to accomplish what I couldn’t in three months - you guys rock. Thanks!

Ken with pubes and a dick, a Bea Arthur cut out; who are you buying for, John Waters?