I have a pair of men’s fuzzy slippers, size ten. They are a virulent shade of yellow, and have orange duckbills that flap listlessly, and googly plastic eyes. What gifts do you have in the back of your virtual closet to unload this year? Can we trade?
Ohmigod, I have to have those. Wait, lemme look in the closet.
Okay, I’ve got an original Furby that my brother the Electronics Genius “reprogrammed” with a TV remote, so instead of talking, it makes fart noises, moans “Oh, baby, oh, baby”, sings part of the dirty words to “Hitler has only got one ball”, and it will shout, “Tuck me, tuck me, tuck me IN!!” if you can figure out how to push Channel Up, Channel Down, Menu, and Pause at the same time.
Is it a trade? [waiting anxiously]
How about a 17" tall statue of Uncle Sam with a clock in his belly - on the hour, he waves an American flag while the clock plays a tinny electronic version of “Stars and Stripes Forever”…
I think that qualifies as the virtual gift for the person who has virtually everything!! What am I offered in return??
My aunts hold a “girls only” party every year and exchange gag gifts. I live a ways away so I’ve only made it to the party a few times, but one of the best gifts I got was a huge bra–like a double D cup thing, very large–and this lady had sewn red and green pom poms around the breast parts of it. It was hideous in a funny way.
Sadly, I think I gave it away the last time I moved. I kick myself. I wonder where it went.
The last time I went to a Gift Swap Santa party I got the “Mod” salt and pepper set that had been making the rounds since Laugh-in was on TV, apparently. Never opened, but they said it had just always gone to someone who would recycle it the next year.
And here I had brought someting nice.
I have a bottle opener that is shaped like a slutty trailer-trash chick. But I don’t drink anything in bottles.
Dibs on the duckbill slippers. [tapping foot impatiently] Hey, I came all the way downstairs to check this, the Better Half thinks I’ve slipped a cog.
I’ll be back…
The slippers are yours!
- Sorry I had to leave the party for a while.*
While I was away, I ran across this nifty clown corkscrew–he appears to be inebriated. At least, I think that’s what all the extra eyes he has are meant to indicate.
::attempts to hug furby, gets bitten::
Now I have a furby and a clown corkscrew to trade. I am thinking about the clock…** Fairy Chat Mom**, will you take this furby for the clock? I want to mail it to the presidential victor. Whomever it will be, he deserves it.
Ummm… I have a sequined tree skirt, with a Frosty the Snowman who apparently has red eyes. Red sparkly eyes.
I have a fish statue that looks like it’s sort of resting on it’s chin, with the rest of it’s body up in the air. The fish has big red lips and a goofy smile, and it’s covered with tiny seashells. Ugh. (sorry, no clock in the belly for this one.)
I’m going up to the attic to see what other crap I can find.
I have a coffee mug that a local artist made. It stands on two big feet, and that version is called the “foot mug”. But mine is part of a special edition set that has one “extra part” between the feet. Any takers?
::Picks up Baker’s mug. Puts it down and backs away slowly:: :eek:
Dire Wolf,
I found a disembodied “music box” in my junk drawer. I have no idea where it came from, or why it’s there. It plays a tinny version of “Under the Sea”, from the Little Mermaid. Does your fish have a hollow orifice into which it can be inserted? It needs a home.
I found a lovely black velvet painting. It feaures an Elvis head floating in space. A fully formed Elvis can be seen in the background. If I squint at it, I can almost see what sort of creative device the anonymous artist was attempting to employ. If I don’t squint at it, it appears that an Elvis is springing forth from the head of another Elvis.
tiggeril, what will you take for Frosty? I still have my drunken clown, and now I have a piece of fine art to trade.
Mine are boring in comparison, but great for annoyance value. One is a round gold figured ornament that chirps like a bird, incessantly, when you plug it in. No one in our family will open a package that even remotely looks like it is holding this, so I have been stuck with it up till now.
I also have a green metal bell that hangs from a doorway or low ceiling. The ringer part of the bell pulls down and winds the music box that plays Silent Night over and over until it runs down and the next person pulls it down.
But do I have to take something in trade? I have WAY too much stuff already.
----:p/
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Yay!! [doing happy dance around the room]
[putting on slippers]
[sighing in bliss]
They’re perfect! I LOVE the way the duckbills flap up and down!
I’m gonna put them in my sig line–they’re the only thing I’ve ever found that’s worthy of sharing space with the White Queen.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! 
You have made ////Duck Duck Goose\\ very happy, and that is what Christmas is all about (love and happiness and all that mushy stuff).
----:D/
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Tabithina, I can probably find the right size hole saw and make an opening for the music box. Maybe that will make it more appealing so I can get rid of the thing!
Up in the attic, I found something along the same lines as Baker’s mug: A 10" tall planter in the shape of a sad-sack Jimmy Carter-looking man wearing a jogging suit. There is an opening, um, in the pants…IIRC, there was a cactus in there at one time.
I found a statue of two elephants screwing (no, it’s not lifesize). I think I may bring that one into work and title it “The Republicans” 
I’m surprised no one has come up with the ultimate tacky Christmas present, the dreaded (gulp) fruitcake! :eek:
HOLY CRAP!!! My grandparents have had that ball for ever, untill some punk ass kid from their neghborhood tore it down, ripped the wires out of the ball and everything. Never did find it. But, I being the resident electric gadget wiz, wired up a new speaker, and now its louder than ever. We do miss the gold ball part of it tho.
Hey, I love fruitcake.
oooo - a Furby for the clock?!? YOU BET!!
and it just so happens I was cleaning out some cabinets and I came across these unique collector salt-n-pepper shakers. They’re from the “Famous Disembowelment” series. I’m pretty sure the salt shaker is a spleen, but we never could decide what the pepper shaker was supposed to be…
fnord, old buddy, old pal (heh heh heh)
As a service to disgruntled Dopers who may receive fruitcake this year, perhaps you should post your address or a PO Box so we can send them all to you! You will be in fruitcake bliss