My best friend’s mother died this morning. Not an inkling of warning - she got a sudden chest pain, her roommate called 911, and by the time the paramedics arrived she was dead.
I will not speak ill of the dead, save to note that she had a lifelong rocky relationship with her daughter, who, as I mentioned, is my best friend.
“B” is everything I am not - she is tender-hearted, generous and gentle. She’s emotionally fragile, and very introspective. She has always called me her “evil twin” because I am the “call 'em as I see 'em” type, whereas B will ALWAYS err on the side of kindness and caution. I hold grudges on her behalf, she forgives people on mine. She’s a nurturing person, I’m a tough-love type.
She has a husband and a young son, both of whom are ill-equipped to deal with the emotional fallout that is bound to happen here. B has been my “rock” through emotional crises, and I am at a complete loss as to what I can do to support her right now. She’s been at odds with her mom recently, and she does not cope well with guilt.
I need some ideas here. What can I do to support her, comfort her and ease her?
Listen to her. Don’t try to tell her that she shouldn’t feel the way she feels. Don’t change the subject because you are uncomfortable. Tell her that you are sad to see her hurting. Tell her what you told us about her in this thread. You obviously care a great deal about her. Tell her that too.
indecisive1 has hit the nail on the head here, especially the part about not changing the subject. It’s so hard to do, but I think it’s important. I had a friend who just lost her godfather, and hearing all about it was very uncomfortable. I know I didn’t contribute much to the conversation, but I let her know I was there and that she could tell me anything.
Do not say anything bad about her mother. This is not the time. If your friend refers to the rocky relationship or starts expressing guilt feelings, say positive things like, “You always tried so hard to make it work” or “You were really good to your mom.”
Agree with most suggestions here. I would just hold her, listen to her, and try to say the things she needs to hear (this is why listening is important, she’ll tell you what she needs to hear if you pay attention). Considering from how you describe her, she’ll most likely first worry about the family, then about herself and her relationship with her mom.
There’s one special issue though that nearly always comes up in these situations and is well documented in psychology as the transition from G-1 to G-0. In other words, after your parents die, you’re next and most people become aware of this right when they go from G-1 to G-0. It’s a very good angle to help her focus on what’s important in life. Regret is not something that deservers a lot of attention, when there are good things in life to focus on (like kids, carreer, beautiful skies, etc.).
I think we are seperated at birth. We are both Evil Twins. Whoo Hooo…oh, wait, this isn’t the place to celebrate our long lost internet doppelgangers findings.
Ahem.
I have nothing to really add that hasn’t been said.
Organize a handful of people who will take responsibility for delivering dinner to your friend and her family for the next week. It is a small gesture that means a lot. I remember a family that brought over dinner for us when my father died - it was so kind - and it was 35 years ago.
don’t ask - that’s a great site. Hard to read because of the sadness, but very useful. Thank you.
I’m trying to be very mindful of cliches - I was looking at sympathy cards last night and I must say they’re dreadful; either glurgy and phony or desperately generic. B had a combative relationship with her mom, but that doesn’t ease the shock and pain for B. I spoke with her last night briefly, and she laughed a little and said “Now that my mom’s gone, there’s nobody left in this world who loves me because simply they have to.” I told her that now all the people who love her, love her without obligation.
I called the lady she provides daycare for during school hours and told her what was going on - that’s one less person who will be ringing the house, one less person B will have to go through the story for. And when B said she was going to have to clean out and sell her mom’s home (the home she grew up in) I offered to come help clean and repaint. She accepted, so I think having a concrete offer of “I will help you paint” rather than “Can I do anything?” was helpful.
Thanks for all your suggestions - listening quietly is not my forte; I have to squash my tendency to want to “fix” this for her somehow.
LifeOnWry, I’m sorry to say this, but you can’t “fix” it for her. Her mother died and she will have to deal with it the way she best sees fit. You can be “there” for her, and it sounds like you have been. You are being a very good friend at this point, doing what you can.
I lost my Mom a few months ago, the drag being that we had been estranged a couple of months before she died. My Mom had wanted us to meet up in Las Vegas last summer, and I declined because 1: my Mom was a problem gambler; and 2: I just couldn’t condone feeding my Mom’s gambling addiction by meeting her in Vegas. Don’t take me wrong, I loved my mother; but I just couldn’t bring myself to indulge in my mother’s fantasy of “fun”. I wanted her to come down here to visit me on my farm, and she declined because of the ‘boredom factor’.
I have felt like a shit-heel since she died. How could I have been so selfish as to deny my mother her fun? It would have cost me naught but a few days of my ‘precious’ time, and meant the world to my mother. But it’s too late to rue on that, what’s done is done. I have a gut feeling that your friend is doing the same. Lamenting about what more she could have done to patch things up with her Mom, and then time ran out; time being no friend of hers, yours, or mine.
My sympathies to your friend. Just be there for her.
Lifeonwry you sound like good and caring friend and that’s the best start.
I’ve had some profound losses in my life (two children who died in infancy and my father who died when I was quite young). The thing that helped the least was when my well meaning friends would say things to make me feel better.
This is a perfect example of a time when “mirroring” is a good thing. When your friend expresses whatever emotion you can paraphrase whatever she’s saying and give her space to continue. For example:
Your friend: I just feel so guilty that mom and I were going through a bad patch when she died.
You: I’m so sorry you’re feeling guilty, do you want to talk to me about it some more?
That’s probably a clumsy example but what bothered me most when I was grieving is everyone trying to fix my grief. The absolute worst were the cliched platitudes “she’s happy in heaven now” or “she’s in a better place”.
What I needed most was someone to be with me while I went through all of the painful emotions and listen and be empathetic and offer me a tissue to wipe my tears when it was through. Nothing you can say will make her feel better or ease her loss. But being there and letting her express all of the emotions associated with death without trying to heal her will be ultimately more healing.
Prepared food is a lot of help, but make sure she gets some veggies too. Too many people will bring pasta and meat casseroles because that’s what’s easy.
If possible, take the son shopping for a suit (or at least a tie) for the funeral. And polish his best shoes.
Thank you for being there for her.