Dear Sir,
I saw your ad for an non-existant position on your web site and would like to apply. I understand that many of the positions you post are often outdated or never existed, however I feel that I am a superior candidate to the 500 other identical resumes you will receive.
I feel that my education and experience make me eminantly qualified for this position. I have over five years experience occupying a cubicle where I generated reports no one will ever read, creating financial models no one will ever use and software programs that will continue to not work for generations. I am a dedicated employee who will devote every waking hour to appearing to provide the same high level of service to you until I recieve a better offer or you arbitrarily let me go.
I am also involved in a number of extraciricular activities, including friends and family. I know your company prefers candidates who have many outside interests so that it makes your cimpany sound more interesting. I will also pretend not to notice that I will be working and traveling so much that I no longer have time for those interests (turning me into the type of person you didn’t want to hire in the first place).
If you are interested in a candidate who can enthusiasticly pretend that this job is worth more than the pitiance of a salary you are willing to pay, my personal time, and even life itself, then we should go through the motions of the interview process.
Yours truly,
M Smith DXXXVII