Help me with my cover letter

Dear Sir,

I saw your ad for an non-existant position on your web site and would like to apply. I understand that many of the positions you post are often outdated or never existed, however I feel that I am a superior candidate to the 500 other identical resumes you will receive.

I feel that my education and experience make me eminantly qualified for this position. I have over five years experience occupying a cubicle where I generated reports no one will ever read, creating financial models no one will ever use and software programs that will continue to not work for generations. I am a dedicated employee who will devote every waking hour to appearing to provide the same high level of service to you until I recieve a better offer or you arbitrarily let me go.

I am also involved in a number of extraciricular activities, including friends and family. I know your company prefers candidates who have many outside interests so that it makes your cimpany sound more interesting. I will also pretend not to notice that I will be working and traveling so much that I no longer have time for those interests (turning me into the type of person you didn’t want to hire in the first place).

If you are interested in a candidate who can enthusiasticly pretend that this job is worth more than the pitiance of a salary you are willing to pay, my personal time, and even life itself, then we should go through the motions of the interview process.

Yours truly,

M Smith DXXXVII

Don’t forget “Of course I have 16 years of experience in a field that’s only existed for 5 and I’ll be happy to work for $15000 a year.”

“I am glad to see your company relies on all the trite buzz phrases all your competitors use, including leveraging core competencies, being a leader in your chosen field, and considering your people to be your most important resource.”