Help me write a Biblical shopping list for kicks!

For some reason I decided that my shopping lists were way too boring and could do with some Shakespearean/Biblical/Tolkienesque touches. It would go a little something like this:

And so it came to pass that in the house of Warnas, where dwelleth Martijn the Courageous and Birgit the Fair, there was much need of shopping. And Martijn spoketh unto Birgit:

“Thou shallst go forth and make purchase of some bread. White it shall be, and pre-sliced. And beer you shall buy, as to make merry our minds and moisten our dry throats. With beernuts, as beer without beernuts is as Sodom without Gomorra.”
“And verily, fabric softener you shall bring, but not too expensive as it is but mere soapy water and I care not for A-type brands in this regard.”

Andsoforth. You do the legwork. But you can call me Martin, if you can’t work out how to pronounce ‘ij’. But you can also describe the shopping itself:

“And so it was that Birgit the Fair, armed only with her golden creditcard, set out to do her masters bidding. Unto Shoh-Pingmall she rode, where there was a supermarket.”

Etcetera.

Some groundrules:

  • Stay away from brandnames. I live in Europe and I don’t know who the Jolly Green Giant is or what Tide does, nor do I care to. Keep it generic. It’s more of a challenge.
  • Don’t rib me about spelling errors or other mistakes for I am not a native speaker and thou shallst not judge me before thou speakest fluent Dutch, yea the language of those who built their own land in a place where even God saw fit to build nothing. And a fair, thriving place it is, where we kick the living Shazaam out of wise-asses.
  • Anything funny you people come up with I will claim as my own when I ever get brave enough to do some stand-up comedy.

Salt. Lots of salt.

Salt? So that would be:

“And let there be salt, seven scores of it, so as to make tastier our dishes and protect our kidneys.”

C’mon, try harder :wink:

No bread or fish, thank you.

We’ll make do with what we have on hand.

Bored are you?

Slightly. Though this particular post has helped me overcome that in no uncertain terms!

Warning to Warnas SPOILER:

[sub]Tide=laundry detergent=Ariel

Would that be Lots’ Wife brand salt?
And, On the forth Aisle, Brigit harkeneds unto the sound of Muzak, and it did burn her ears, and make her heart swell with dread. But the store manager eased her plight, by Calling from the heavens for the cleaning crew to henceforth unto the Bakery department.

And Brigit feasted on Jacob’s Cream Crackers samples from the lady so much with make-up it was displeasing to the Lord.

Through a dry and weary land she trod, though her footsteps were sore plagued by the screams of the frustrated will of the Rug-Rattites that had infested the land. Many a time she wished to lay hands upon them in violence, however, the Spirit spoke within her, “It is not your place to wreak vengeance upon these little ones. The fathers of these shall pay for their looseness with burning fire and mortification”. Being strong of will and stout of heart, she pressed on.

Her journeying led her into the realms of Fruits and Veggies, a green land of mist and mystery, of foreign and unknown horticultural wonders, that dazzled at her eyes. Sensual purple, green of every hue, and earthy rich browns swirled in front of her eyes, pulling her to them with an allure that was bewitching. The selection would be difficult. Out of the treasuries, so rich to be perhaps beyond decision, she pulled eggplant, mushroom, and asparagus. Banana, apple, and nectarine. Their perfume, rich and sweet, brought about pangs of hunger. She had not eaten in, lo, many hours. The next leg of her journey would be perilous indeed for she ventured to……

the Aisle of Sugared Treats.

And there goes another voyage of discovery… sigh. I have always wondered what this ‘McDonalds’ thing is you Americans seem to be so fond of. Some kind of service station I venture to guess. We have Kwikfit in Europe. The coffee is free!

TwistofFate and BunnyGirl: full marks to both of you!

And in the sixth aisle, Martijn the Courageous beheld Oreos, filled to overflowing with chocolate creme, and saw that they were good. :smiley:
(You’re Dutch? Hey, do you know Coldfire? :D)

1.Then shalt thou turn down the aisle which is the fourth aisle. And lo, in the fourth aisle thou shalt see the dairy case.
2.Seek thou first the eggs, and finding the eggs, place thou one dozen of the large eggs in thine cart. Purchase thou not eggs which are cracked, for they are unclean in mine eyes. 3.Woe unto ye who eat the cracked egg! For if thou shalt eat a cracked egg, I shall smite thee with the worst case of Nebuchadnezzar’s Revenge thou hast ever seen, so that thy very stomach shall become water, and thy loins shall ache, and thou shalt use up all thy toilet paper and shall use even the newspaper to cleanse thyself, and thou shalt weep and wish for death and thou shalt cry out unto me “Lord! Lord! Let this anguish pass from me!”
4.And purchase thou not brown eggs, for they are an abomination unto me. How scarcer than hen’s teeth are the eaters of brown eggs in the kingdom of the Lord!

Coming now to the aisle that is fifth, behold before you a calvacade of cans. As thou was overcome by the colors and assortment of the veggies and the fruits, now do you behold the slendor of brightly colored tinned goods. Lo, though you walk through the aisle of prepared foods, know that thy pantry will be overflowing, and on nights when strangers come to your door, you shall be thankful for the bounty of cans that await you. For they shall be the offerings of hospitality, so you do not seem mean or impoverished before thy neighbors. Serve to them a feast of soup, sauce, dried noodles, small sausages, green beans of a shade not found in nature, and fruits in heavy sweet syrup. Come to the table of the Lord, my friends, come to the table of the Lord.

wine from water

Get some bottled water. Tap water turns into wine just terribly.

When you get to the New Testament section, pick up some frankensense and mir from the spice aisle.

Definitely need some fishes and bread. Might as well pick up some sunblock in case we ever get stuck wandering the desert.

Whatever you do, shop light. Jesus will multiply everything in a pinch.

Then go thou into the aisle which is the sixth aisle. There shalt thou find chips and soft drinks in abundance. Great is the bounty which the Lord hast prepared for thee!

Grab thou a case of Coca-Cola, for it shall be a nectar unto thee. Verily it shall quench thy thirst, though thy throat be dry and though thy tongue cleaveth unto thy mouth. Blessed be the drinkers of Coca-Cola.

Pepsi Cola shalt thou not drink, though all the Coca-Cola be gone. Purchase thou a store brand before thou stoopest to drinking Pepsi, which is displeasing to the Lord. If thou shalt drink Pepsi, then shall the Lord smite thee, and cast thee into a sugar-induced coma.

Tortilla chips shalt thou buy, and salsa in great quantities. Potato chips shalt thou also cast into thy cart, not forgetting the sour cream and onion dip. And the Lord shall bless thee and multiply thy cholesterol! Blessed is the name of the Lord!

I do the sound board for my church - my favorite has always been:

Book of Sound Engineering, Book 3 Verse 7;
“Letest not the minister leaneth over the altar to closely for the demons of feedback shall be close at hand”

Shopping List 23
A Psalm of Birgit

The LORD is my shopping partner,
I shall not want.
He maketh me to select the green produce,
He leadeth me beside the still mineral waters.

He displayeth fresh sole,
He adviseth me on the pasta and whole grain bread
For my health’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant,
I will fear no dented tins,
For care has been taken in warehousing.

My list and thy specials, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a path for me in the presence of a product sampling,
Thou pointest out the olive oil,
My complimentary coffee cup runneth over.

Surely the checkout lanes shall be clear to me all the days of my life,
And the wheels of my cart runneth straight and true for ever.

Spoons, excellent!

Our Father, who art in Albertsons,
Coupons be thy name.
Thy prepared Foods Section come, thy will be done,
In My Kitchen as it is at the Betty Crocker Plant.
Give us this day our Hamburger Helper.
And forgive us our Consumption of Healthy Foods,
As we forgive those who yell at us for eating a Pound of Hambrger in one sitting.
Lead us not into the Produce Aisle,
But deliver us from Avocados.
Amen.