The Lord is my Shepherds pie, I shall not be in want of seconds.
And now why tarriest thou before the ice cream cases? Know ye not that the path to destruction lies therein? The Lord is not mocked. Think thou to deceive him? He that knows thy inmost thoughts knows that ye seek not the low-fat yoghurt! Repent then thy gluttony, and get thee to the produce section!
I know you’re not supposed to covet, but couldst thou put thy neighbor’s ass on your shopping list?
And lo, they came to the aisle of the imported foods, and they were overcome with the strangeness of the items there. And Martijn was struck dumb by his wonder, and could not speak. And Birgit came to him and said “We desire not the food from this aisle, for it is tainted with the touch of the evil MSG, and we are unable to read the preparation instructions.” And Martijn could not be moved, for he still gazed in awe at the licorice drink tablets. And Birgit was struck by an inspiration, and she covered his head with the shopping basket, and lead him to the Aisle of Student Foods, where she fed him on Kraft Dinner and Top Ramen until his eyes focussed, and he spoke once more.
OK here goes
When thou hast done your shopping thou shall head towards check-out for Judgement in my eyes. If thy purchases are healthy and yummy thou shall be granted access to the heavenly check out aisle of no wait, no whining kids in front of you, and then thou shall head towards paridise stopping along the way at the gumball machines for the rewards you surely deserve.
If thy purchases are bad in my eyes you will spend a hell of a long time in the check out aisle of the dammed. There will be many lost souls in front of you, they will be paying by check, you will be surrounded by the little kids who will start their screams of the dammed, the check out devil spawn will need price checks on many evil purchases, the register will break, and thy milk will start to go bad, another dammed soul will come up behind you cutting off all escape and then will bore you with the mindless chatter of the soul who has no filter from his brain to his mouth.
Nothing to add to the shopping list today.
But I was wondering if I was the only one reading this and thinking of it like a Monty Python movie?
Not a Monty Python movie, but is anyone else imagining these posts to he voice of Reverand Lovejoy from the Simpsons?
Get me some devil’s food cake and kosher bacon, if you can find any. Buy some ribs (Adam), too. And some Famous Amos (the prophet) cookies.
<nitpick>
Mir is found in the space aisle.
</nitpick>
1 And, lo, on the sixth aisle thou shalt find the breakfast cereals and candy. Let not thine eyes stray from the wholesome goodness of the bran flakes and oatmeal. Let them rest not on the chocolate and sugar sweetness found on the other side. For man does not live by sweets alone.
2 Watch not the boxes bright with gaudy colors, for these you shall not eat. Neither shall you head to the granola box, for this is high in fat. Keepeth thee the bran flakes in thy cart, and you shalt remain regular.
3 Glance backwards not as you leave the aisle, lest thee be tempted by the foil wrappers. For then shall you be turned into a circus peanut and left to languish upon the floor.
4 Now cometh thee into the seventh aisle, the resting place of books and magazines.
5 Remaineth thou in this aisle until thy mind is clear and thy cravings satisfied, for no harm shall come to you and no costly items shall be placed into thy cart upon thy meanderings.
“And lo, if thou shall find thyself in the international section thy shall not partake of the wasabi, for it is hot. Though the pocky pleases me muchly…”
“Yea an verily, an with the finding of the Marshmallows, thou shalt make purchase of twenty bags and no less for I doth truely love marshmallows… yes, I know they make me looketh fat but I do love them so…”
Pick up some Ezeikel’s Wheels to replace the Fire & Brimstone Brand.
The talley for all this shopping will come to $666.
Thou shalt pay with Visa, for it is accepteh Kingdom of Heaven-wide.
Upon thy judgement, you shall be sheperded by Bag angels to the holy SUV of Eternity, with the reclining passenger seats and Air-con.
But, should ye fail my judgement, or thy moral credit be cooked, thou shall be submitted to the lake of consumer questionaires, where for eternity you shall writhe in Torment as you are questioned about your marital status and the eating habits of your family. Penance shall not be yours, for thou is displeasing to me.
Eggs, wheat, milk, sugar.
Bring to me so I may bake
and let them eat cake.
Upon entering the aisle labeled “dressings” thou shalt avoidth the temptations of HELL-mans, for it is truly nasty. Instead, pass it by without looking, and proceed to Miracle Whip, for it is truly miraculous.
A reading from a letter by Ed the afternoon shift manager to the stockboys.
When Bob, the first supermarket manager of the ages and the first in our hearts came to this spot he decreed that there should here be a building of plenty, with plentiful meats and all manner of foodstuffs and cleansers and toiletries, and abundance further reaching than any known hence. Bob commanded the contractors to build the structure, and in the third summer of the strip mall out on Route 9, the doors were opened and the masses were urged to enter, filling their baskets as though cornucopias.
Bob told the first stockboys, “Let Aisle 1 teem with vegetables and fruits, and let the small, narrow hoses bring mist to the vegetables and fruits, that they may remain as green and as fresh as the first day they were pluck’d from the bosom of the earth. Let Aisle 2 be replete with cereals, the hard-won grains threshed from the fields of farmers, and processed by the great mills, and placed into plastic bags which are fixed inside multicolored boxes and brought by the great petroleum-fired trucks of Peterbilt and Mercedes to the warehouses and then to our supermarket.”
Bob went on. “Let Aisle 3 contain spices from all lands, yea more than simply salt and pepper but also paprika and coriander and cilantro and chutney and cayenne pepper and oregano and basil and curry powder and dill weed and allspice. Let sugar and flour and all baking needs be found in Aisle 3, and let there be also food coloring and measuring spoons and spatulas, but not so many that they should take up more than two cubits of shelf space, for shelf space is precious and that is needed for the sugar and the flour, which come in containers larger than those of pancake mix, which should also be in Aisle 3, but on the end of Aisle 3 closest to the checkout registers and farthest from the deli counter, which is to be found in the back of the store.”
(The supermarket I have in mind is the one I usually go to, which is the Shop-Rite in Jersey City that is not in fact on Route 9, but it sounded better if I said that it was. I got to Aisle 3 and realized that I could do all nineteen aisles of the place, but that I’d be here for a couple hours doing it, and would wind up with something that I suspect most readers would find too lugubrious; three aisles does the trick. I’m willing to sum up the whole store if there’s a demand, but I suspect I won’t get any requests.
While writing this, I had the Book of Leviticus in mind. It seems that the Old Testament reads more like a store manager’s handbook, anyway.)
And good Matiníjino was tranfixed, nay, perplexed, as he stood at the threshold of the smokeshifter, his betrothed, Brigídina smiling expectantly as he thought; "what the hell is this? Has my Ruca lost her freakin’ mind?
I can’t believe you people forgot the Frankincence!!!
How could you forget the Frankincense??
And myrrh???
Did even one of you remember the myrrh??
I swear! One of these days, you’ll come home without manna for J’s sake!!
:wally
If you guys like this kind of stuff, then you have to read this:
My daughter and I saw Jesus stocking the cereal aisle the other night. So we came up with a new line of cereal. New! "Little Loaves and Fishes!"
We had worked out the entire spiel, went down the cereal aisle to pitch our idea to Jesus,then realized that it wasn’t Jesus at all, just some long hair guy named Bob.