Help me write a wedding toast.

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
1

My sister is getting married in less than a month (July 16). She is flying me and Gunslinger back up to NY to be her photographers. She wanted me to give a reading during the ceremony, but I won’t have time if I’m shooting things, so instead she asked me to give a toast. And not one of those things where you stand up and hold up your champagne glass and say “To my favorite sister” (she’s my ONLY sister) and everybody drinks and you sit back down; it is to be a real thought-out miniature speech that ends with everybody having a drink and hopefully laughing a little.

Well, crap. What am I going to say?

So I turn to you Dopers to help me out here.

A little background info in case it helps: This is her second marriage; the last one didn’t work out, obviously, and they split up after I think 5 years, and it’s been 4 years or so since then, maybe even 5. I can’t keep track of how old the she is, I just know she’s older than me. The guy she’s marrying this time was her high school boyfriend; they were very serious, but ended up breaking up (I remember hearing her cry at night over it). She got married, moved away, got divorced, moved back, and now she’s marrying the first guy after all. He’s bringing two children, both between 5 and 10 (no idea of their exact ages), to the union.

I was very young when they dated - they were in high school, and they’re 6 or 7 years older than me, so I was under 10 - and my only memory of their relationship besides the crying and the Bryan Adams songs is that once he bought me a 1lb bag of M&Ms and everybody thought that was really nice of him, but they were already open and they tasted horribly stale.

He’s all metrosexual and she’s all Queen of the Universe so they’re ideally suited for each other. I have no idea how to express this in front of an audience without being rude or sounding like I’m taking a dig at them.

2

High-school sweethearts? How about:

‘To <sister’s name> and <husband’s name>, together for now, together forever, as it was always meant to be. May you have days of joy, years of happiness and a lifetime of peace.’

3

I hate to say this, but you haven’t given much to work with. What do they have in common? What are her hobbies? What are his? How did they meet? What was a childhood memory of what a cool/warm-hearted/interesting/etc sister she was?

If you can’t answer these, you really should call her up and ask her, talk for a while and collect notes for ideas.

The candy thing is good; just say what you said in fond way: “I remember when I first met Fred, I was 9 at the time. He gave me 1 pound bag of M&Ms. It was a sweet gesture, and I’m happy to see such a sweet man marrying my sister.”

One thing to keep in mind: this seems tough now, but it’ll be the easiest speech you ever make. Everyone will laugh at every one of your jokes, everyone will say “awww” at all the appropriate moments. Everyone will smile warmly and applaud when you’re done.

If you really want to write a decent toast, you gotta get a new view on them if only for an hour. You’ll never write anything good with these sorts of thoughts bubbling around.

4

Hey, when I say that he’s all metrosexual and she’s all Queen of the Universe I’m not takin a dig at them. That’s just who they are; I’m fond of both of them and they wouldn’t be the same if they weren’t like that. But it’s hard to express it without it SOUNDING like I’m complaining or insulting them, as apparently has been illustrated.

They met in high school. There is no “meeting story,” because they went to school together in a class of under 100; everybody in that school knows everybody else in all 7 of the classes that attended during the same years as them, by sight and reputation if not personaly. She sells sex toys and likes big cats. I have no idea what his hobbies are, except that he plays golf very well. I hardly know the guy. My childhood memories are sparse because of the age difference: when I was little she was in middle and high schools, with a blooming social life that kept her out of the house most of the time; when I got to middle school she’d gotten married and moved away. She did used to stick up for me when the neighborhood kids beat me up, and when I broke my wrist at age 9 she bought me a stick of rock candy to cheer me up while we waited in the emergency room.

I love my sister dearly and wish her all love and luck and happiness, but we’ve never been close - not even in the sense of physical location. That’s what makes it so hard to come up with something earnest and heartfelt; you can’t just stand up in front of a group and say “I wish all possible love, luck and happiness to this pair of complete strangers who ought to be my only sister and her husband.”

And of course she works days and I work nights and she has off on the weekends and I have off on Mondays and Fridays, so we’ve been playing phone tag for days and I might not even GET to speak to her until I arrive in NY with my camera.

This sucks and I look like a rotten sister.

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Sis, Rock on.

Dude, screw with her and die.

God bless America.

– The End - The best toast EVER

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I have some really radical ideas, if you’re interested.

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Racinchikki, I usually get paid for the service over here at
Personal Wordsmith but you’re a doper, fer God’s sake…
So here goes.

Welcome friends, relatives, honored guests, (and if you’re feeling saucy add)and you guys, over there at table seven, <wink> hey.

We’ve come together today to witness <Queen of the Universe> and <MetroSexual boy> as they begin a new chapter in the book of their lives. They each bring with them the experience of a life well lived, and on their cheeks, the blush of newly requited love.

(*)

High School sweethearts, these two, and I remember quite fondly the days of my youth, spent in their company. (*) I was the pesky little sister, always hanging around when they didn’t want me there, yet when the neighborhood kids beat me up, there was <Queen of the Universe> sticking up for me as only a sister could.

(*)

You remember <Queen of the Universe> when I was stuck in the Emergency Room with that broken wrist, and you bought me that rock candy I’d wanted so badly to cheer me up? (*) Well I do. And it looks like today, that small kindess has been repayed tenfold.

(*)
You’re entering into a new, and exciting time in your lives and I hope that some of the same sweetness I once tasted from that candy, will fill your lives each and every single day.

(*)

[raise glass]
<Queen>, <Metro>, I am proud to know you, proud to be a part of your lives, and prouder still to welcome you into the world, as Mr. and Mrs. Whatever, ladies and gentlemen, a toast, to this handsome couple, may luck, love and laughter be your shadow for all the days of your lives!
[/raise glass]

Use or adapt it any way you wish. It runs about a minute twenty or so, and you can safely add a 2 second pause everywhere you see (*) <–that symbol.
Peace,

Jockey.

8

Alright, so maybe I wasn’t the best. Buttonjockey, I’m writing that site down in case I’m supposed to be serious one day.

9

You could always go the “Ladies and gentlemen, today I stand before you …because I don’t have a chair” route.

(Insert something sentimental here)

and finally: “At this time, please raise your glasses” (at which time you raise your eyeglasses up in the air)

short and sweet and a little corny.

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Thanks, Robin. Cause I’m feeling generous, henceforth, 15% off anyone mentioning the SDMB.

11

Why, thank you, buttonjockey. I pray you’ll not be offended if I take your kindly offering and tool it a bit towards my purpose? I very much appreciate your time and work. I owe you a drink.

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That’s good material though, especially *because * she’s your only sister. My suggestion would be something along the lines of:

“As I was furiously jotting down some notes for this toast on the way to the reception just now, I reflected on all the wonderful experiences my favorite sister and I have shared. She’s always been supportive of me, has been an ever-loving ray of sunshine on my most bleak of days. We have shared so many laughs, so many tears, and so many wonderful chapters in our lives. And that’s when I realized that I was reflecting not on the memories I had with <Sister>, but with that of Jacob, my imaginary friend when I was 6 years old.”

And then go into something nice like buttonjockey wrote.

13

Last summer my ex got married and I was his Best Woman. (After almost 20 years of knowing each other, four of them married and now about 12 apart, we’re still very good friends, and he’s simply part of the family.) I knew I was supposed to give a “speech” of some sort, but I was wracking my brain trying to come up with something clever and somewhat entertaining. We really like Cathie, his wife, and I wanted something that would welcome her into our family as well. It was a small ceremony, with a few friends and family members (which also included her ex as well).

I finally came up with a Top Ten Reason Why We’re Really Glad Cathie Decided to Marry Mitch–which basically pointed out all the great things about Cathie and how well they compliment each other. (One was something along the lines of how the Christmas presents from Mitch–which are notorious for being in bad taste and tacky–would get much better since he would now have Cathie’s good taste input.) Not everyone “got it” at the wedding, since they obviously didn’t have some of the same experiences with Mitch and Cathie as we had, but most important Mitch and Cathie thought it was funny and personally touching, and that’s what counted most.

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Another one:

Of all the weddings I have been to, this one is definitely the most … recent.

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I’ve used a Garrison Keillor poem called The Finn Who Would Not Take a Sauna for a wedding toast.
You may be able to find it online but it is in his book We are still Married The book has some great other pieces too.